Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night

Eternal God,
This holy night is radiant with the brilliance of your one true light. May that light illuminate our hearts and shine in our words and deeds. May the hope, the peace, the joy, and the love represented by the birth in Bethlehem this night fill our lives and become part of all that we say and do. May we share the divine life of your son, Jesus Christ, even as he humbled himself to share our humanity.
Amen.

~Rev. Richard J. Fairchild

Props to my birthday boys

Bob the Builder here and his Pops both celebrated birthdays this month: 3 and 34, respectively. My hub's is actually celebrating his today, and Benji's glorious day of birth was the 10th. I recounted his birth story last year, here, if at all interested.

Just gotta say that I love my December boys and celebrate not only their arrival into this world but their arrival into my life.

Fact: There are 30 days in November.
Fact: Though I committed to NaBloPoMo (which requires a blog a day), I blogged a total of 17 entries in the aforementioned month.
Conclusion: Sometimes I REALLY suck at following through on things I say I'm going to do.

This is a character flaw that has recently come to light for me. For the most part, when I commit (particularly if other people are involved) I stick to the commitment. But it has become clear that without some sort of external motivation (ie: someone counting on me) I have a really difficult time with follow-through. Other examples from recent months:

- The South Beach Diet and exercise: While I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the way I treat my body, both in what I ingest and lack of physical activity, is going to produce detrimental effects down the road, I can't seem to stick with any sort of positive bodily regimen. I was super excited about the South Beach Diet because I have seen it work for friends of mine and because the principles behind it really are sound. Yet getting through the first two weeks of detox have proven, three times over, to be apparently impossible for me to stick with. Exercise: love the way it feels, but when the going gets tough (too dark in the morning, too tired in the evening, too cold now, etc. etc.) I fizzle out.

-There is a looooong list of people in my life who I vow constantly to be in touch with more frequently, get together with, and just in general let them know how much they mean to me. James and I started a letter-writing campaign a few Thanksgivings ago with the intent to let everyone in our lives know how important they are to us. We didn't even make it a quarter of the way through our list. I fear that my friends and family will not know how much you mean to me/us because I just plain poop out on picking up the phone, writing an email, setting a date for coffee or a drink. Because I know that no one is really EXPECTING this of me, it seems I take for granted the time I have to spend with those I love.

- House projects: another long list here. When I get spare time, though, to work on these things I find myself picking up a book instead of a paintbrush because there's no real deadline. When the day comes to put our house back on the market I'm sure I'll curse myself for this.

-The way I spend money. I find that old habits die hard here. You'd think I would learn a lesson or two from past experience and current debts still being paid, and there have been SOME positive changes in this area of my life, but I still seem to get sucked back into old patterns of behavior. Suffice it to say I put plans in place to be better about this and am challenged in following through.

-When I think about my past I can see that throughout my school career I was a bit of a procrastinator and half-assed worker, forgive the crudeness. Which works against my theory of external motivation because there were grades involved there. But I guess I was just content to be your average student.

Long story short, I really despise this part of my personality. I would like to change it. I want the satisfaction of a job well done and time well-spent to be my motivator, rather than the pressure that someone else is looking over my shoulder. I want to use the gifts and talents I've been bestowed with to be a blessing to others and in my own life/activities. But I'll betcha I'll need to build in some sort of accountability for this knowing how my personality works. At least I put it out here in writing. That has to be SOME sort of external motivator right? Time will tell.

No Tannenbaum

I am ALL for traditions. This is by far my favorite time of year, and I am absolutely giddy about all of the preparations, celebrations, and decor. With that said, we made the decision this year to forego a tree. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty devastated at first. Part of the reason, honestly, is that I just don't have it in me to continuously put down efforts made by Grayson, the human tornado, to dismember my tree. But also, I had to question my initial reaction to the very idea of "Christmas Without a Tree". While I like to think I'm able to keep the correct perspective on the Reason for the season, I can see that the last several years I've really fallen in to the trap of focusing on buying the perfect gifts (cost be darned), decorating "perfectly" (as perfectly as things ever get in this house), etc. etc. I don't mean to say that any of these Christmas traditions is inherently wrong. There's just MORE to this holiday than that, and I keep wondering if James and I are truly teaching our kids the right message about Christmas. Is there something more/different/radical, even, that we could be doing? I'm certain the answer is yes. For this year, what this will look like is not having a tree adorning our front window, waiting for its plethora of presents to protect. I also want us to look more intentionally than we have in the past for opportunities to spread the message of Christmas to those who might not otherwise hear it.

*Disclaimer: I did end up breaking down and buying a dinky tree for the boys to decorate and put in their room. And I have been pushing pretty hard the idea of putting lights on the house for the first time ever. I didn't say I was ready to throw in the towel on Christmas decorating altogether. :)

Count your blessings, name them one by one

1) The unconditional love and mercy of God
2) My hubby. He's a-ma-zing.
3) My kiddos. I complain, I know. But they are pretty stinkin' great.
4) My parents - how blessed I have been to have them raise me and remain so closely in my life
5) Siblings! Both by birth and marriage. Sharing life with you is a privilege
6) Laughter and having so many reasons to use it
7) Health - not just for me but for almost everyone in my life at this moment. For those I know and love who are struggling in this area, I'm so thankful for modern medicine and caring doctors.
8) Living in a country that, even with all its problems, affords me freedoms so many can only imagine
9) Friends I have known for years and are still willing to be associated with me (some even for my entire life!)
10) New friends
11) People who challenge me to think, act, know better
12) Books
13) Vehicles that (usually) run great and get me where I need to go (even if sometimes they have to be bribed with ridiculous things like, oh, new brakes. What gives?)
14) Enough to eat and then some
15) My humble abode. It works plenty good to keep us sheltered from the elements, and we have lots of great memories here.
16) My extended family - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. So many people in my life that fill me (and now my kids) up with love!
17) Incredible in-laws. Not everyone gets the privilege of marrying into such an amazing family.
18)All 4 of my grandparents being a part of my boys' lives. Watching the relationships they're forming is priceless.
19)Cofffffeeeeeee
20)CenterPointe church - God is working!
21) Sunshine
22) Living in a place where I can experience the majesty of God's creation through all 4 seasons (even though I tend to get grumpy about snow)
23) The wonders and convenience that modern technology affords
24) James's job and the fantastic people he works with/for
25) God's provision for all our needs plus a lot of our wants too
26) Christmas - a time to specifically reflect on the incredible love of God to send His son to earth so that we would not remain lost.
27) Music
And the list goes on........ Now the trick is to reflect on this EVERY day of the year!

Gleek

I loooooove music. Love it. I love how songs can say what I struggle to, how each different tune I hear can evoke a different emotion. In recent years (much to my husband's chagrin - thank goodness for DVR so I can now tape and watch without his commentary) I have fallen in love with the show "Glee". Even more recently, I fell a little out of love with it, to be honest, due to increasing crassness and some episodes that were, quite frankly, an insult to my faith (Grilled Cheesus episode, anyone?). But last Wednesday, after a VERY long day with the chillens, I was delighted to watch my taped episode from the night before and see some tunes that were just plain fun, including the one below. I included it here for your viewing pleasure, as I go and continue packing for our trek to Michigan to celebrate Thanksgiving with the fam.

Cheating!

Today's post can be found here.

Grateful

For my guys

Blech

I'm fairly apolitical, to which my more politically inclined friends could probably attest. At best, I'm indifferent (I heard the audible gasp from some of you political passionates). If I was forced at gunpoint to put a label on myself I guess I'd probably go with Republican, since, in general, my moral standards and beliefs tend to line up with that camp. Sometimes I wish I could muster up some sort of patriotic gumption. Not that I hate my country because I do NOT - I am deeply grateful for the freedoms and opportunities I have here. I am just completely jaded by the way things have been/are run and have no confidence whatsoever in a government where the name of the game is being politically correct and re-electable rather than the best interest of the people.
Today I saw a bumper sticker that read, "At least when Clinton lied, nobody died". I can only assume this is meant to be some sort of political statement trashing the Bush era, perhaps the war on terror? In any case, my thought after reading this was: REALLY?! Really. This is our standard now? But it is! Sadly, it is. It's all about opting for the lesser of any number of evils rather than having any absolute truth or moral code. Looking at what will be the least detrimental to the majority (or to those running the show, however you choose to look at it). And it's sad and scary and sometimes horrifying, and if I didn't know Who already held the future in His hands, I'd probably be ready to jump ship and give Canada or Western Europe a try.

Once upon a time, in my former life, I was a teacher. You perhaps knew this. There are days when I have the itch to get back in the classroom: to interact with and build relationships with the kids/teachers/parents, to guide and direct the structure and layout of my days (within the confines of that blessed schedule administration so arduously creates), to get those creative juices flowing while planning lessons/organizing and decorating the classroom. There's no doubt that when June arrives there is such satisfaction derived from looking back over the course of the year and seeing the fruits of my labor in the form of bonds made with the kids and successes they have achieved. I would love to delve deeper into the vast array of learning styles that kids enter into the classroom possessing and to become more equipped to help children who struggle, perhaps through earning a degree in special education.
Other days I think that I'd love to pursue a career in the writing industry. I'm particularly interested in editing/proofreading. NERD ALERT! I just love language! I can remember sitting in 6th grade, diagramming sentences, welling up with pride and satisfaction as I fit those sentence pieces into their place in the puzzle. I sometimes sit and dissect a sentence that was just spoken, naming each part of speech.
Wow. Even I am sitting here aghast at the depths of my dorkiness right now.
Along with pulling language apart, I also love the flip side: piecing it together into a work of writing. When I was younger I would spend HOURS writing stories (and, for a brief stint in high school, poetry). I wasn't all that great at actually finishing any but still, the bug was there. It's never left. It's just been buried under academic pursuit, career choice, and now children. It's that hobby that always gnaws at you: could I make this a career? Most days I think I'm just too chicken to try. And I certainly wouldn't know where to start.
I'm not really all that concerned about what the future holds for me career-wise. God has guided me thus far and has, for now, given me the most crucial job of all: Mom. But sometimes it's fun to dream about what could still be coming; to wonder at how I'll be able to use the gifts and talents and passions He has instilled in me. And, let's face it, sometimes it's just nice to know that my job description won't always include "nose-wiper and diaper-changer extraordinaire!"

I'm Just Not That Mom

~ My kids do not match, coordinate, or otherwise look as if they belong together. Heck, most days they're not even all that clean.
~ My house gets a weekly dose of being pseudo-clean, is sometimes tidy (probably if you're coming over I've raced around to get it looking halfway spiffy), and is not adorably decorated.
~ Whatever is available and remotely edible is substituted for nutritious, well-thought-out snacks. Don't even get me started on anything homemade.
~ Arts and crafts in my home equal coloring and Play-doh.
~ I do not adhere to the American Academy of Pediatrics daily recommended tv limitation. This also goes for the Wii and the computer.
~ In lieu of carefully planned out and artfully executed birthday celebrations you will receive some balloons and streamers mounted in your honor, a gift (though it may technically be from the grandparents and not me), and a McDonalds dinner.

I regularly feel some level of shame about these things and would like to see some of them change. And I know that these things are not the truly important parts of being a mom, but it's easy to lose sight of that in light of our culture and playing the comparison game. Ultimately, I know that none of you who truly know and love me hold any of these things against me. A reason why I'm so glad to know and love YOU. Now if I could just stop holding them against myself and get my fanny off the Guilt Express, we'd really be cookin'. (Oh yeah, I don't really do that either....)

Planes, Trains, and Sexy Stuffed Snakes

I am totally blessed by the friendships God has brought into my life. These ladies represent two of them. I am always touched by their realness, their laughter, their encouragement, and I always feel at ease to be myself. And, really, who would continue to hang out with you when you show up to a night out wearing yesterday's clothes, jump around a darkened room in front of them flinging about a stuffed snake and calling it "dancing", and are lame enough to have seen about three 80's movies in your entire lifetime? These girls, that's who. (Ummm...right? Girls?)

XOXO!!!

A Marvelous Day

~ The boys playing happily and (mostly) without incident with a couple of buddies all afternoon
~ Going out and reveling in the glorious weather
~ Making a connection with a new family
~ Managing to accomplish a few things around the house
~ Kicking back with girlfriends

Badge of Honor

This morning, as is typical of at least 4 out of the 5 weekdays lately, was filled with the sounds of disobedience, fits, and crying. Then James left for work. Aaahahaha! Ok, I kid! I kid!
Seriously, though, our mornings have been starting off on some pretty sour notes, which is really wearing me out. I don't want to throw anyone under the bus, so I'll just refer to the main culprit as Deran. This individual absolutely insists on having his own way, however painful that might be for himself or the rest of us, and I'm working on sticking to a form of discipline and being consistent with it (per the wise words of my hubby) to send the message that the way he's behaving is not acceptable and, hopefully, to see some changes around here. We may be on our way, folks, because this morning I was bestowed with what I consider to be a great honor. The phrase: "I DON'T LIKE YOU MOM!!!" A certain level of pride and satisfaction welled up in me as these words were flung down the hall, combined with a measure of sadness and weakening of resolve. But mostly it was pride and satisfaction. You know, I love my kid, and I want what's best for him. And what's best for him is to realize that the world doesn't revolve around him and hurtful behavior usually has hurtful consequences. To be out of my child's good graces is simply a sign to me that I'm doing something right. Because when we're disciplined we don't like it and generally harbor some ill-will, at least for a short time, toward the person responsible for our discomfort.
In a few minutes I'll be walking into my son's room to discuss his offenses and the ensuing consequences. There will be sniffles and then hugs and kisses. And, no doubt, "I love you"s will be exchanged. But probably what I'll relish today is that for a few minutes this morning my son didn't like me because I was doing the right thing for him.

Lots of fall fun to be had with these rascals.!

My Own Little World

Yesterday totally got away from me, as you can clearly see by the absence of a Nov. 7th blog post. It really wasn't a day of rest which kind of irks me, but sometimes, what can you do? And a lot of that was just due to the choices I made with my time. Anyhoo...

Another awesome time of worship at church yesterday (you can read a little more about where we are now and how we got there here ). So challenged, so encouraged to feel God moving in me, so desperate to tap into that ALL the time. By God's grace. We were challenged by PF to take a good, hard look at what we consider to be the best life we can possibly live. According to Scripture, it's not the safe life; it's the life lived out of faith. Which pretty much means looking outside myself, my life, my little world, and following where GOD leads, not ME. Which is hard and uncomfortable and so challenging. We've had some pretty powerful visual images accompanying our time of learning and there's another to get you thinking below. Along with some of the obvious trains of thought that accompanied this video, I also pondered the recent elections and how jaded I am about politics, government, etc. While I voted, I wasn't really enthusiastic about the outcome (even though it pretty much went along with how I voted), and the reason for this lack of enthusiasm was because I don't really have any hope that who we have in office is going to make any major positive change in the way this ol' world is going. Where the real change will take place is in the day-to-day interactions among the people in this country and looking outside of ourselves to the good of others. It can only begin with me. And you.

"The King will reply, 'Truly, whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'" Matthew 25:40

What does this look like for me even today? Stopping to talk with someone and really listen, patiently guiding my children, staying tuned in to God and His leading, giving priority to His Word, watching out for needs that I can meet, and putting an end to living in fear: fear of rejection, of what people think of me, of where faith will take me that I might not want to go. But I'm tired of living in fear. I'm tired of being so self-absorbed. I want my heart to be broken with the things that break God's. And with that...

Turn back the clocks! Turn back the clocks!

And start placing your bets now about how early my children will awaken tomorrow.

Just squeakin' in my Nov. 5 blog. Phew! First of all, I have to express my EXTREEEEEEEME displeasure that my Food Network has been yanked because some money-grubbing network is trying to rape AT&T and therefore, us customers, on the price we pay. Food Network is basically why we decided to even get cable, so you can understand my ire. HOW WILL I SURVIVE WITHOUT FINDING OUT WHO THE NEXT IRON CHEF IS????!!!! (Side note: It may be time to consider losing the cable and getting a life.)

Because I could not watch my previously recorded Iron Chef episode (Ming Tsai vs. Bobby Flay - sniff) I perused the movie channels and fell upon Good Morning, Vietnam. And on a more serious note here, is there anything more horrific, dehumanizing, and gut-wrenching than war? Really, I don't want to make light of this now. I know it's a fictional movie, but it depicts some of the very real horrors of war, and I'm left feeling a little bit ill. I know families who currently have loved ones overseas and in some very volatile areas. I recall not that long ago when my own brother was serving in Iraq and all of the fear and uncertainty that went along with not knowing exactly where he was or how he was doing. Yes, we trust the Lord that He will work ALL things together for the good of those who love Him. But, forgive me, God, there is still fear. Tonight I am praying specifically for Jeremy and Andrew and in general for all of those who are fighting to preserve our freedom and bring that same freedom I so recklessly take for granted to those who are oppressed. And in light of all that's going on in the world, being denied the ability to watch cooking shows is really not such a tragedy.

NaBloPoMo

Generally I devote my Thursday afternoons to restoring some order to this living space we sometimes refer to as "The Sty". It makes me feel better, however futile it might be, to get things spic and span and back under control. Today I just can't seem to muster the motivation. It's been one of those weeks. Instead I have devoted my Thursday afternoon to eating caramel apples, uploading pictures (sloooooooowly) onto Facebook, and catching up on blogs (others' as well as my own). A blogger I regularly enjoy has participated previously in National Blog Posting Month (or NaBloPoMo, as the website cleverly dubs itself) and is doing so again this month. This is a site devoted, quite simply, to challenging bloggers to post something every day of the month. I blog. Therefore I am a blogger. And as such I have decided to take on this challenge. I realize I have missed the first 3 days of the month of November. But I posted twice today, so I figure then I'm only down 2 posts, and no one is going to make a federal case out of two little posts. Right? RIGHT?! Ahem.
Since I've given you such food for thought as pee in a cup, I'll just count these as my first posts and leave it at that.

Take Care Clinic

Is there anything more humiliating than walking the aisles of Walgreens with a cup of your own pee? Probably, but that's GOTTA be at the top of the list.

Ew

So this morning I let Grayson toddle around the house with his sippy of milk (WHEN oh when will I learn to stop letting him do things like this?), and it has gone completely and utterly missing. I'm afraid. I'm very afraid.

A little breathing room

I'm feeling really thankful today following a weekend spent with family in Michigan and a really fun morning with my boys at the zoo. And it actually really was FUN, albeit slightly stressful as well. There are three of them, after all, and only one of me, and we were navigating our way through packed crowds of people (what, everyone has to go to the zoo on a gorgeous fall day when there's no school? What gives?!). Anyway, I feel like I've had my head on a little bit straighter lately. Not that I'm any less exhausted or even that the stress has lifted; I think my perspective just continues to come into sharper focus, and I realize I am immensely blessed and don't want to squander these days that only come along once.

You know you're getting old(er) when...

...whilst in a room full of teenagers you
A) don't understand half of what they're talking about,
B) are equal parts horrified and amused by the things you do understand, and
C) are a little relieved to never have to be 18 again.

Freedom

I've been struggling a great deal lately. Struggling with waking up motivated to face my life and tackle the day. Struggling to enjoy my children rather than just be exhausted by them. Struggling to focus on all the good God has placed in my life rather than on the inconveniences and challenges. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that I could choose a different line of thinking and a different perspective but having no energy to even be willing. I hate waking up in the morning and feeling almost as drained as I did the night before when I went to bed. I feel like a failure as a wife, a mom, a friend, and I feel like a fraud as a Christian. Shouldn't I be relying on God more as my strength? Shouldn't I trust Him to pull me through what is a tough, yes, but not impossible time of life? Isn't every other mom I have the privilege to know going through this? I'm certainly no exception to the rule. So why do I wallow in it? I feel like Satan has me completely bogged down, wrapped up in myself, full of confusion as to how to get out of my own head, completely incapable of seeing the bigger picture.
Yesterday morning I spent some time just crying out to God and seeking comfort from His word. (Took me long enough! It's these simple acts of rescue that don't even cross my mind when I'm so completely buried in the daily trenches; the most obvious courses of action just aren't obvious when you feel like all you're trying to do is survive.) Below are the verses He directed my attention to and some of the thoughts I had and wrote down as I read through them. And,though not immediately, I did find peace:



Psalm 62:1-2, 5-8, 11: "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. [at which point I wrote in the margin: But I DO feel shaken today, Lord! I just can't get it together!] Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. [I have a choice. I WILL NOT be shaken.] My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong and that you, O Lord, are loving."


Psalm 63:1, 3-8: "Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary [soooo weary] land where there is no water. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." [My focus needs to be on praising the Lord for who He is, not on what I'm not. I desire to find contentment in all he has done for/given me and to allow His hand to uphold me, not my abilities, plans, or unworthy substitutes.]

Ephesians 3:16-21: "I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. [Yes! God's Spirit DOES dwell in me! An endless wellspring of love and strength!] And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love [am I? IS that where I'm rooted? In Christ's love and in living a life of love out of gratitude to Him? Are all of my thoughts, words, actions, established in and out of His love?] "may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. [Empty me of myself! Fill me with You! How I desire to TRULY grasp the love of Christ for me.] Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen." [His power IS at work within me today.]


I still struggled yesterday, don't get me wrong, but not to the extent that I had been. I didn't feel SO weary, worn, and stretched thin. I found rest in the message of His words.

God had another message for me yesterday as well. After dropping JJ off at school I was driving toward the highway on a major route that passes our house and also, farther down the road, happens to pass a state penitentiary, so it's not uncommon to see DOC buses or vans passing by. This was the case yesterday. I happened to pass a van carrying a couple of inmates, made glaringly obvious by their neon yellow jumpsuits. It hit me as I drove past that I have been given immeasurable freedom. Freedom to wake up in my own bed each morning, to spend unlimited time with my children and husband every day. Freedom to be driving in my own car to meet up with friends. And beyond all of these glorious choices I'm given, even greater is that I am not trapped in a spiritual prison of hopelessness. I have been given the greatest gift of salvation through Christ Jesus. I have no cause to live in fear and despair; I have been set free. What a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I realized this!
The day to day is still going to bog me down. But I hope I can hang onto this renewed perspective and rest in the Lord, even when rest seems far from me.
I am choosing joy.

Wha's up

The fall decorations are up (ok, LIE. But I have it on my to-do list), the nights have turned cooler, there are sudden bursts of color already evident here and there, and the scent of fallish candles fills the house. I am excited for every change of season, but autumn is without question my favorite.

So what's going down in R-ville?

First off, my camera is finally fixed and returned!! Just in time for our Labor Day weekend camping trip with some of our favorite families from church. While the weather was a tad cooler than we would ideally like, and we experienced some heavy rain and wind the second night, it was overall a fantastic time! Campfires, laughs, yummy food, silly games, a time of Sunday morning reflection together, and just good times with friends. We already can't wait for next year!

Benj made friends with Mittens the dog, who was hereafter known as "My doggie" or "My Mittens".

LOTS of time for play and leisure!

Watching a kids vs. adults volleyball game and playing in the sand. He loved being able to just run wild with the other kids!

Kindergarten is in full swing for JJ. He and I both had to go through a period of adjustment these last couple of weeks. There were definitely nerves on both our parts. For awhile there, every morning brought with it protests of having to go to school. As he's made friends and learned the routine, however, that has happened less and less. I'm already amazed at what he has learned and am really happy with the teacher he has. I had been praying for just the right fit for his personality, and she seems to be it. I'm anxious for our parent-teacher conference in November to get the full scoop on how he spends his mornings.

Our sweet, mild-mannered Ben has apparently decided to fully embrace the terrible twos before he turns 3 in December. Somehow, my laid-back boy has disappeared and this growling, screaming, frustrated, red-faced whirling dervish has taken his place. Anything that doesn't go his way is cause for a meltdown. If we happen to need to be somewhere say, oh, before the turn of the next century and have to hurry along his attempts to "do it myself" we have a half-hour long fit on our hands. It's pretty unreal and pretty stressful. I have confidence that his sweetness will return so I'm just hanging on for the ride. On the upside he amazes me everyday at the things he IS able to do on his own and the patience he exhibits in making these attempts. While it's true he falls apart if we won't let him do something on his own, if we just give him the time he needs then he will make try after try to get it right and get it done. So I love to see that. He and JJ love to be together (although, honestly, I think Ben is a LITTLE relieved to have some alone time in the mornings now): wrestling, telling (non-sensical) jokes at the dinner table, using their imaginations, reading books, and hugging.

Grayson is firmly established as the family clown. He loves to laugh and make us laugh with him and can really be a total goofball. He has to do EVERYthing the older boys are doing whether that's playing outside, eating a lollipop, brushing his teeth, singing, running, or jabbering away telling stories. His personality is an interesting mix between Jeran and Ben. He has Jeran's non-stop energy (I mean NON.STOP. He's into absolutely everything all the time) combined with Ben's laid-backness, in the sense that he's pretty content with anything that's going on and will go with the flow. For the most part. He definitely has discovered he has a will of his own, even at only 17 months, and he works it out now and again.

As for the parental units of this brood, we are hanging in there. Life is a pretty wild and crazy ride right now. I won't lie: it's exhausting, it's chaotic, and there are a lot of times when all James and I can do at the end of the day is stare at each other blankly and wonder how we're going to do it all again tomorrow. Aside from parenting (and trying to do it well, no less) we are more and more involved with the new church we're a part of (which is officially off and running! More on that to come), not to mention trying to keep connected to one another and our family and friends. Our days are filled with lots of prayer for perseverance and guidance, and, despite what I may portray here at times, we do find joy in what God has given us during this season.

So that's some of the haps currently with us. What's new with u?

Sounds I will miss

~ My son pedaling his bike furiously down the sidewalk, making up a story or song along the way
~ The ice cream truck. Despite the fact that it emits an altogether annoying song and turns my kids into slobbering maniacs, it is a sound of summer.
~ Shouts of joy out my window
~ Wind chimes (as they sway slightly in summer breezes, not as they are whipped furiously by winter gales)
~ Birds
~ Mosquitoes. Kidding.
~ Splashing pool/lake water
~ Crashing waves along the beach
~ Wind rustling along a tent's canvas (er...waterproof breathable material. Whatever) over my head
~ Rain (hey, when it's rain or snow I will take rain...said the girl with no basement to be flooded)
~ My footsteps pounding the pavement during a morning run
~ Campfires crackling

School Days

We celebrated what I view as our last official day of summer today. This involved staying in pajamas until about 11:00, playing outside, and a post-nap visit to a splash park. Tomorrow Jeran begins kindergarten which he will be attending every morning at the school just around the corner from us. I underestimated, perhaps naively, the range of emotions it has evoked: excitement, both for him and myself (I love him, but he IS a taxing child); anticipation of all that he will learn this year; joy over the start of his school career; anxiety over how he will fare socially, academically, and emotionally; nervousness about whether he will succeed at sitting/listening/sharing/respecting; panic over the fact that I have no control over what happens in his classroom during the day (my sympathy and understanding to all the helicopter parents out there!) I also have what is probably the typical sense of how time is flying by and worries over whether I have prepared him enough for this step. Sitting in the Curriculum Night spiel last week Thursday and hearing how the kids will be reading by the end of the year, writing sentences, etc., I wondered whether I should have been doing more with him up to this point. But then a very wise friend pointed out that these are the things he will be LEARNING this year, and isn't that what his teacher is there for? True, true. It seems I already am getting caught up in the academic "competition" and wanting my kid to always have a leg up. Not that this idea is wrong or bad, but it's not something for me to be losing sleep over.
This milestone is another lesson for me in surrendering everything over to the Lord. Thinking I have control over anything is an illusion. Even though, yes, I have more direct input in his behavior and that of others in my home, the control rests fully in the Lord's hands either way. Through prayer, my anxiety (and it seems Jeran's as well - there have been some nerves about meeting new people and not knowing what to expect) is being alleviated. Once again I recognize that one day at a time is the wisest course of action, and when I lay down my plans, ideas, worries, then I am left with anticipation for all the ways in which Jeran (and I!) will grow this year and excitement for what's to come.

Camping 2010

raccoon friends~campfire bassoons~"tea bags"~lovin' on a lantern~pontoon cruisin' and sandbar hangin'~watermelon~tent texting~educational debates~prohibited swimming~lost keys~found keys...MIRACULOUSLY found keys~Christmas lights~Beersbie~killer food including, but not limited to, peanut butter cup s'mores~Strawberry Shortcake's cell~livening up the campfire crowd~reminiscing~coffee crises~bacon bi*ches~shared toothbrushes~late-night loo visit~skeeters and locusts~Tom's Donuts~fishin'~year 11, baby.

Colorado

There are few places where I sense God's presence as keenly as Colorado. No doubt the breathtaking majesty of His creation there wakes something up in me that the Great Plains just doesn't inspire. My grandparents have lived in the Denver area my entire life (with the exception of a brief stint they took in Montana - also awesome), so I've been visiting there every couple of years since I was born. With them moving near my parents this fall, one last trip was in order, so that's exactly what we did last week. Along with my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew, our party of 5 loaded up into an RV and hit the road west.

There was a bit of fear and trepidation about how our kiddos would travel, I won't lie. But they did AMAZINGLY well. My mom brilliantly brought along lots of new items to entertain the masses, and the boys' cousin, Liam, brought along lots of "new" things that helped keep Grayson entertained for the duration of the drive. We even made it through the entire first day without relying on the TV/DVD player (not from lack of trying, however. The outlets in the RV were funky, and we couldn't figure them out at first). The first day we drove to Omaha and crashed at a campground there, enjoying swimming, hot dogs, and s'mores. Our second day brought us to the foothills of the Rockies where my grandparents and aunt and uncle from New Mexico awaited us. We had a great evening reconnecting, and the boys of course immediately located great-grandma's toys.

The first day out we drove a few miles from my grandparents' house to Deer Creek Canyon because Jeran just couldn't stop talking about climbing a mountain. So we lunched at the picnic area there then did some exploring. It was HOT hot hot, so we kept it short, but the boys loved it.

Day 2 was our day to celebrate Grandma's 80th birthday. We started out in the morning with a family photo shoot, joined by my aunt and cousins who also live in the Denver area. My aunt and one of my cousins were in the midst of preparations to move to Ecuador where they will be living/working/schooling for the year, so we were really glad that our visit fell at a time before they left.

The Gunnink Fam

We lunched at a park near G and G's house which also happened to be the site of the Columbine memorial, so we took the opportunity to take a look at that and reflect. It was pretty powerful, and it's hard to believe that 11 years have passed since that nightmare unfolded.
After we had eaten and let the kids play themselves out we headed home, taking a detour to visit my uncle Paul's gravesite. Three years ago on the 30th of July he lost his battle with lung cancer; the last time we were in Colorado was actually for his memorial service. Going to the cemetary was a tough visit to make but also a good time to spend remembering him and the life of faith that he lived. It was the kids' first visit to a cemetary, so it also brought out an interesting line of questioning from Jeran.

In the evening on Tuesday we all trekked down to G and G's church for Grandma's birthday open house. It was a neat time of celebrating her, seeing other extended family members, and speaking with friends of my grandparents and hearing about the many lives they have touched during their years of ministry there (my grandpa is a retired minister). Following our celebrating we had some time at the house to just all hang out together and sadly had to also spend this time saying goodbye to my aunt and uncle who headed back to New Mexico the following morn.

Taken at Grandma's open house. Ben and my cousin Leesha really hit it off!

Our 3rd day of the trip was our day to head up into the mountains. This has always been one of my absolute favorite parts of our Colorado visits. Driving along the winding roads, taking in the awesome scenery, ending up at some small (or not-so-small) town or landmark in the mountains. We drove for about an hour to a state park in the mountains where we did a short hike (to feed Jeran's "climb a mountain" fix), followed by a drive to a panoramic lookout point, and ended up at a VERY cool but remotely located restaurant where we all had lunch (a restaurant which, incidentally, doubles has a hot night spot apparently and was located directly next to the drive-thru liquor joint. Sa-weet). My brother and sis-in-law took off in their rented car after we ate to do some camping in the mountains with just the 3 of them. We were really sad to see them go but were so glad for the time we got to spend with and grow closer to them on this trip. On the way back from the mountains we drove through some absolutely breathtaking areas and watched a rain storm track us almost all the way back to G and G's before catching up to us. One of only a very few times that we experienced rain on the trip.

Day 4 was our last day in town. One of the state parks has a "beach" (I have to use the quotes after experiencing Michigan's sandy shores), and our boys LOVE the water, so with another hot day granted us (and the beach being only 5 mins. from the Gp's) we spent some time playing lakeside. In the evening we said our good-byes to my aunt and cousins over dinner and then spent a few more hours hanging out as a fam.

Leaving CO, I fastened my eyes on the mountains until I could no longer discern if it was the peaks I was seeing or simply clouds. While it's melodramatic (me? Never!) to say that I'll NEVER see the mountains I love so much again, it probably won't be soon and certainly not as frequently as these first 30 years of my life. It was a wonderful time spent bonding with family, and I was particularly happy that my boys could get to know these people whom I love so much.

The trip home mirrored the trek out, with a stop overnight to camp. The boys once again did marvelously well and while it was with a slight air of sadness that we said farewell to our home on wheels, it was also reallllllly nice, as it usually is, to be home once again.

Thoughts on growing older. From other people's brains

Hit the big 3-3 last Friday. As panicky as I felt three years ago about entering into the 30's, I'm finding it quite nice here. More comfortable in my own skin; content with the life God has given me; excited for the future but enjoying the moment; blessed by an amazing family. The year ahead is just ripe with possibility.

A few thoughts on growing older that I enjoy:

"Everything I know I learned after 30." - Georges Clemenceau

"It takes a long time to become young." - Pablo Picasso

"Pleas'd to look forward,
Pleas'd to look behind,
And count each day
with a grateful mind."
- Alexander Pope

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years." - Abraham Lincoln

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." - Psalm 90:12

You've Been Warned

It is high time we shed our inept web address. Therefore, one of these days you will find yourself denied access to the Party. No worries. You will be able to find us here:

www.louwersefam.blogspot.com

Just wanted to give you fair warning so those of you who enjoy stopping in from time to time will know where to find us.

Vacation Rules

This was pretty much my mantra for the last two weeks. After loading down Minnie the Van with what seemed to me like all of our worldly belongings (sans the proverbial kitchen sink) the boys and I took off for Michigan. We headed up before James as he was going to ditch us for a golfing excursion over the weekend first, so our first week of vaca was without him, and I’ll be honest that a vacation from my hubby is no vacation. But we filled up our time with fun excursions, hanging with family and catching up with friends we do not often get to see during our whirlwind stops in the Hometown. We playdated, ate donuts, fed carrots to horses, watched TV (more than 10 channels- worth!!), frolicked on the beach, drank fruity drinks (OJ for the boys, other fun stuff in the evening for Mom with friends), ate lots of great food, celebrated an earned degree of higher learning (way to go, Meliss!), etc. etc.
Upon James’s return to us we promptly ditched the children (with heavy hearts, of COURSE) and enjoyed three blissful days of adults-only time at a cottage near the lake (thanks to Mom L. for hooking us up with that one!). Here is why adult vacation R-U-L-E-S:
- I did not watch anything of any redeeming value (ok, that’s not totally true. There was a LOT of Food Network). My newly discovered favorite show is VH-1′s “You’re Cut Off”. Hilarious! And slightly troubling.
- I read an entire magazine (again, with little redeeming value) in one sitting.
- Every single meal was eaten at my pace, at an enjoyable and appropriate temperature, without interruption.
- I went to the beach twice and only got up to swim.
- I arose out of bed after 9 a.m.
- I had no schedule or agenda of any kind. I only checked the time out of sheer habit.
- I actually had the chance to miss my kids.
- I interacted with my husband beyond, “What time will you be home?” “Can you get (insert child’s name here) more (insert edible item here)?” “Your turn for baths.”
- There was mental energy to spare! I was able to reflect on more than just what the next meal, disciplinary action, or necessary chore would be.

I really don’t mean to give off the impression that I dislike being with my children. It’s just that they are so ALL-consuming, and I didn’t even fully realize how much so until all of that came to a complete stop. It was a much-needed and much-appreciated time with just my hubs.

The remainder of the week was spent having loads of fun with the kids, first at Auntie Rach’s house in GR where we visited the zoo, Millenium Park (a playground/beach/splash pad extravaganza on the outskirts of the city), and the children’s museum. The rest of the weekend was spent boating and beaching it with friends, hanging with the girls-only (as well as Anthony the flirtatious waiter, Edward, and Jacob), attending a fireworks display with a few of our VERY favorite people (followed by a really hard good-bye), and several fantastic hours spent with friends over a delicious dinner followed by a backyard fireworks show. The only downside to this vacation was the following list of things we missed: Robyn and Russ’, my BFF from the ‘hood and one of my favorite comfort-food joints.

It was harsh coming home, I gotta tell ya, but at the same time I think it’s these amazing times away that make you feel like your real life is pretty amazing too.

Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise....well, one outta three ain't bad

If you're a regular reader here at the ol' blog you may recall that a couple months ago some friends and I set some goals to a healthier us. You can refresh your memory on that here . Speaking for my personal goals, well, I coulda done better. The snacking after dinner habit is a thing of the past and was actually not all that difficult to give up, surprisingly. As for something as simple as drinking enough water in a day, I have been ridiculously lazy about that. I don't know WHY that should be so tough for me, but I still just don't get enough into my system. I think what would really be helpful is just investing in a Camelbak so that it's on my person all day long. The exercise portion of the goals has been nil. Unless you count chasing after 3 young children all day long. And I do. But I know it's not enough.
Tonight I got up my gumption and went for my first run (of what I hope is many). I finally began to understand my runner friends. It felt AMAZING to be outdoors doing something so good for myself. I was pathetically tired by the end, but it's a start! I'm using the Couch Potato to 5K program so what's even MORE pathetic is that I didn't even run for more than a minute at a time. For the first couple run/walk cycles I was all, "What? I could do this all DAY, punk!" and by the end I was all, *wheeze*- *cough*- *sweat*. (Ok that's a slight exaggeration but only slight.) However, I definitely had a small sense of that euphoria and adrenaline, and I'm excited to see how long I can keep it up! Speaking optimistically, hopefully it's the start of a healthier new me. Stay tuned.
So to recap: one out of three health goals accomplished. For now I'm going to stick to just two and try to whip into shape my drinking and exercising habits. So check back in 6 weeks to see how Julie is doing on:
A) Drinking approx. 64 oz of H2O per day &
B) Exercising 4 x/week

A Love Story

In honor of my 12th wedding anniversary (which today marks, incidentally) I thought I would present to you...our story.

Rewind all the way back to 1989. 6th grade. James's and my elementary schools merged into one junior high, and thus began our history. While James really didn't even know I existed (a fact about which I like to give him endless grief), the hottie across the orchestra room (sorry, honey, it's out now. Yes, my man did, indeed, play the cello) was not lost on me. I harbored a crush on the cello-playing, spectacle-sporting cutie who didn't know I existed through the ensuing years, and at our 8th grade skating party I finally worked up the nerve to ask him to, you guessed it, skate. But lo, it was not yet to be. Out on the glossy rink was my crush, hands linked with another 8th grade female (whom I immediately loathed). Fast forward to the spring of our sophomore year. Thanks to our typing class seating arrangement (yes typing! We were the last class not to have computers) a whole lotta flirting started going on (ie: jabs made at my excessive need for the correction fluid). And finally (no, really, FINALLY - the following FALL), thanks to some help from my BFF, Robyn, James asked me out. And ever thereafter we were an "item". High school sweethearts. Aside from a couple of kinda laughable breakups (is it really considered a breakup when it lasts for 2 days and you talk on the phone that entire time?).

We did the whole long distance thing for a year and a half in college, after which time I threw in the towel on THAT whole deal and transferred to Trinity.

On August 8, before our junior year, James took me on a dinner cruise aboard the "Spirit of Chicago". As I had been putting on the pressure pretty heavily to get married (and truly, what a testament to the love of my guy that he would put up with an 18-year-old girlfriend whining about getting MARRIED! It really is absurd when I see it in print like that), I felt confident that this was THE big night - the proposal! The romance was a bit squelched as we had to share our table with another couple, but, not to be deterred, I took every opportunity to pull James onto the upper deck so he would not have to miss his opportunity! However, as we docked back at Navy Pier I came to the disappointing, nay, devastating realization that no ring would be placed upon my finger that night. Dejected, I allowed my boyfriend to lead me back through the streets of Chicago to our waiting vehicle. So disheartened was I, that I was taken completely off-guard when he stopped in front of a horse and carriage and secured us a ride! My brain clouded by shock, I honestly didn't even see it coming (but you do, don't you?) - the proposal. Simple and perfect. Beneath the moon (and skyscraper) - lit skies. A ring on my finger. The words: "I love you. Will you marry me?" (I should point out here that James was pretty darn proud of himself at this moment. Due to the aforementioned incessant marriage talk he wasn't sure he could pull off any sort of surprise on my part.)

We wed in June of 1998, and what a celebration it was! Nearly 10 years in the making for me. :) Admittedly, I have the worst memory of almost anyone I know, but I clearly remember the joy I felt that day. Not just over marrying my love and best friend but also for having so many friends and family around us with which to celebrate. We were young, yes, and have had a lot to learn, OH yes. But when I look back and see how much we have grown and how God has matured us, and having shared that with one another, well, I can say without hesitation that I love James more today than I ever could have imagined loving him 12 years ago. I won't say there haven't been rough or painful moments, but in large part we have been spared from tragedy and heartbreak. Which, in this life, means that it's still coming - that's not pessimism, it's just real. But who better to face those moments with than the man who has already been a part of every great joy I've experienced in the past 17 years? Not to mention with the God who brought him to me. I am filled with both fear and excitement at what the future holds for our family. And when I look back over the history we have already, it's largely excitement. And gratitude for what's behind AND ahead.

(Side note: We realized that this year, including our years spent dating, we have known each other over half our lives. Yowza.)

The Haps

I consider summer officially here because A) It's been freaking HOT this whole week! Therefore we've broken out the kiddie pool and slip 'n slide. And B) Jeran celebrated (bittersweetly) his last day of preschool today. My dear, generous friend, Amy, drove on down with her girls to watch Ben and Gray so I could attend Jeran's last-day picnic. I sat watching him run around, all hot and sweaty, yelling and laughing and pretending with his friends, amazed that he has reached this milestone. Now, I grant you, it's no PhD in psychology (props to my bro-in-law, Keith, for that ENORMOUS milestone!), but it has been an important year of growth for him in all ways: physically, academically, developmentally, socially. We've seen a lot of incredible changes in him, and his teachers have been instrumental in that. So I was really sad to close this chapter and say good-bye. (Jeran was too, but I think it will hit him later. He was a little bit too anxious to get to D.Q. for his promised celebratory ice cream to really get sad in the moment.) Kindergarten looms, and as I use such an ominous-sounding word as looms to describe what really should be an exciting, as well as customary and not unexpected next step, I start to realize how averse to change I really am. And it would appear I am starting to project that onto my children as well. I want them to embrace where God is leading, not cower from it. But that's a tall order for me, so it can be difficult to teach my kids.
For now, we have an entire summer of fun, fun, fun to look forward to.

Ben, dear Ben. Still into everything and anything. Laughing all the time (except for those times he's screaming in that banshee-esque, two-year-old fashion when he is told no, is frustrated, isn't allowed to do things himself, or is pestered by his older brother). He displays more and more of Jeran's openness with people, even moreso than Jeran at times. He is not content to leave a store unless the sales clerk (and anyone else in a 10-foot radius) has given him an enthusiastic response to his "hi" and "bye". He is mischievous and curious and adorable with a capital A.

Grayson is dangerously and excitingly close to walking! Personally, I vote for the walking with this one. I just think summer will be SOOOO much easier if he's got that skill under his belt. JJ and Ben LOVE to be outdoors (and I've got the sunburn to prove it), and it would just make my life a tad easier not to have to concern myself with concrete burns on the knees or with what inedible object is going into his mouth next. Like his bros, he is a happy, carefree, generally social and smiling boy. I say boy, not baby. Despite his round, bald, adorably shiny head (challenged in the area of hair growth, also like his siblings) he seems less and less like a baby to me. His mannerisms, the way he tries to copycat, the almost-walking...it all points to a BOY. My joyful, kissable, active explorer of a boy. And yet, on some level, always my baby. :)

Oh yeah, and the adults in our household (I'm no dummy. People only ask about us out of sheer obligation). On top of being the social coordinator for my three men-about-town I have taken a very part-time administrative assistant position. It's something I do from home and has been a perfect way to turn my thoughts away from Legos, diapers, and PBS cartoons once in awhile. I'm very much looking forward to a summer filled with plans to hang out with family and friends, vacation a bit (camping and Colorado, to name a few), and soak up time with my beloved boys (all 4 of them).

James has been keeping extremely busy with work and his role as treasurer for our new church (which finally has a name other than just "church plant". And that would be CenterPointe). He also remains an incredible husband, dad, son, and brother. I know he'd like to see a little more fishing and golf enter into the picture, so we'll see what summer brings him.

That's the haps here! Happy summer to you and a safe and restful Memorial Day!

Reminder

If things are quiet in the house, always always ALWAYS go in immediate search of Ben.

Yes, that is my mascara on his face and my toothbrush in his mouth.

Momma's Day Love

My mom has shown me by example that with God all things are possible as she has walked through some giant challenges and hurts in her life. She has a real, deep faith. She is a prayer warrior. She is gentle, patient, wise, kind, and genuine. She is a selfless wife, mother, and grandmother. She has become my friend as well as my mom and is one of the greatest blessings in my life.


My mom-in-law is the hardest working woman I have ever met and has passed on this trait to every single one of her children. She is endlessly giving and unconditionally loving, compassionate, tender, and godly. She has exemplified humility and contentment, and she gave me one of the most incredible, highly treasured gifts I've ever received: my husband.


Just a few of my incredible mommy friends/family who have taught me about life and parenthood (in no way a comprehensive list):

Robyn, who has taught me about making my kids my top priority but also about not giving up on my God-given identity, still pursuing my passions and interests, about always struggling to find that balance. Most importantly, who has taught me about keeping my eyes open to the world around me and challenging the status quo, to never settle.


Steph, who has truly been changed by the love of Christ, and is living out her faith authentically, powerfully modeling it for her children so that they can't help but be transformed by it. Who has taught me the joy of caring for my family and home and the equal joy of standing confidently in my identity as a woman of God. Who always listens, always prays.


Amy, who has shown me I am not alone in my struggles as a mom and wife but also that I am not a failure because I struggle. Who has encouraged me through her own life not to give up on pursuing Christ and to give to others selflessly.


Kris, who is showing me that we can temper the madness of motherhood with humor while also being real about the madness. Her authenticity and encouragement are more valuable to me than she probably even knows.


Aunt Joy, who has encouraged me to persevere because this too shall pass and who has truly been "great" to my children and me. :)


Jeni, Jill, and Ruth, truly my sisters, who have taught me about living in the moment, loving deeply, and staying true to myself.


Kara & Cathi, who have shown me the importance of just plain having fun with my kids and who have always had a listening ear (or email).


My grandmothers, who got this whole ball rolling. Who have clung to their faith through trials and triumphs, and who have given me years of their time and love. Who gave me my mom and dad, playing a pivotal role in who they are as well as who I am.


Jess, who has shown me how to embrace change in life fearlessly (even though sometimes we're scared spitless).


Trudy and Karen, who have taught me grace amidst the chaos of life and motherhood, and who so selflessly give.


Kathy, who has shown me how to put family first and know my limits, but who also so naturally finds ways to give of herself to others.


Jeanne, my "big sister" and dear friend. Who has stepped in and so willingly been there for my kids when I could not. Who models an unselfish and tireless love in caring for her husband and kids.

Happy Mothers' Day to these rockin' moms in my life and all of those who I neglected to mention. You ALL provide me with encouragement, support, and inspiration. My love to each one of you.

Mad Cow....Chicken, Pig, Soybean

I made the brilliant mistake last week of watching "Food Inc." on PBS. Brilliant because wowee oh wow did I need to have my eyes opened to what my family and I are actually ingesting. A mistake because now I have my eyes opened to what my family and I are actually ingesting. I question everything that goes into my mouth these days, wondering where it actually came from, how it was raised, etc. Do I still eat these questionable things? Well, yeah. I don't want to starve. But I of the iron stomach, who will eat (and very nearly have eaten) almost anything, find myself queasy as I pass by fast food restaurants and panicky as I peruse the grocery store aisles, wondering what's safe.
If you haven't been privy, yet, to this documentary, you're probably getting talked out of it right now. But don't. It is SO important to be aware of these things in our lives and I have put off this topic, amidst many others, basically because I'm lazy. It's tough to change. But I would rather be slightly inconvenienced and know that I am making healthier choices for myself and my kids. The synopsis of Food Inc. is basically that our food and the way it's raised are being determined by the almighty dollar. Giant fast food chains as well as a handful of manufacturers are monopolizing the food industry and have found ways to cut corners that are horrifying. Just one example: beef. Cows were designed to roam grassy fields, chewing their cud and naturally fertiziling the ground upon which they live (if you catch my drift). Instead, the powers that be have found that it's cheaper and quicker to corn-feed cattle and raise them in mass quantities upon flat expanses of muddy acreage. The short story here is that this has led to e. coli infestation in these animals. Rather than going back to the natural way of things, however, industry has instead found high tech ways of "cleaning" our meat before it finds its way into our burgers. One such way being meat "filler" that has been showered in an ammonia mixture. Grossed out yet?
In James's and my quest to become healthier and raise healthy kids we find that this food issue is not one we can ignore, especially having been educated by this film. I was outraged at how my food is being controlled and misused, and, darn it, I intend to do something about it. What, you may ask? Going organic is one way. I love stores like Trader Joe's who give me multiple options in this area. We also intend to start buying more local produce and livestock. I am ANXIOUSLY awaiting the start-up of farmers' markets in my area. If you live in the Chicago area check here or here for a list of local markets. I also hope to check out the Green City Market located downtown (which is year-round - woohoo!). We also are interested in things like fruit and veggie co-ops (still learning about those) and buying a cow. Seriously. Not to raise (though I'm tempted) but bought direct from a farmer and then butchered for us by a local butcher. It all sounds pretty extreme right? Well, extreme times call for extreme measures I guess. I know it probably means slightly more cost and time investment for us, but in the end I see it as worth it. Now, realistically, does this mean I will never again visit a fast-food chain or pick up produce at such-and-such grocery store? Of course not. But can I work to make changes, however small, to produce dividends of benefit for my family in the long run? You betcha.
Seriously, see Food Inc. All ignorance ever produces is more ignorance, and I refuse to believe that is truly bliss.

Baby boy

It's amazing, but after five years and three kids I still have moments of mind-blowing realization that I'm a mom. I'm somebody's MOM. How did this happen? (Ok, well, I know HOW it happened.) There are countless challenges but also so many precious moments in the midst of motherhood. One of those was yesterday, my baby boy turning one. The last kid (Lord willing) so I find his milestones much more bittersweet than with my first two. While it is incredible and thrilling to watch him creep, explore, laugh hysterically at his brothers, eat bigger and better things, and start to get the hang of this whole standing up and moving his feet thing, I also feel some sadness at his ever increasing independence (and that of JJ and Ben), knowing that my boys are growing up and, eventually, away. I am trying to be more conscious of the passing of time and more stingy about wishing it away. I read a great article about living your life fully in each moment and not letting the multitasking, the planning, the virtual reality detract from what's happening to and around you now. I SO often do that. I'm so set on getting my agenda done, crossing off the items on my list, and looking to what's ahead that I'm not really present in my own life. And in that spirit, my boys are munching popcorn and watching cartoons (or munching Cheerios and watching the ceiling fan, depending on developmental ability). So I think I'll go and enjoy this fleeting moment in our lives with them.

Spring has been treating us well over here at the Louwerse homestead though we've found ourselves increasingly busy as school and our various other activities start to wind down. We got Jeran signed up for kindergarten last week and that, alone, is blowing my mind as I start to think ahead to preparing him for that transition. Summer doesn't show any signs of slowing down which is bittersweet. We have SO many amazing things planned, but I just know it will fly by. There's the pessimistic part of me rearing it's ugly head. One day at a time, lady, one day at a time! As we continue on full steam ahead, I will leave you with some photos of my darlings.

Coming Out

My love affair with food is something that started out as what could probably be described as harmless but has grown into something obsessive, out-of-control, and just plain wrong. I've never had to watch my weight, and somehow this has become an excuse to eat whatever I want. And I do mean, whatEVER I want. Things that defy logic and reason. Orders of loaded nachos that were originally designed for a party of three. Portion sizes and helpings that would make large men cry with discomfort. Late night snacks that would probably feed a small, third-world village if they weren't so repulsively unhealthy. I've always known that how I relate to food is slightly unbalanced, but I have finally started admitting to myself that I don't eat to live. I LIVE to eat. I'll be eating a perfectly great meal and dreaming ahead to the next one, wondering what I'll be having then. My moods are often hinged on what kinds of goodies will find their way onto my palate in the hours ahead. Entire days will go by without a fruit or vegetable or anything, really, with any sort of nutritional value, passing my lips. I'll recount my liquid intake at the close of a day and realize that coffee and Coke have been the only things I've guzzled in the past 24 hours. And condiments. Mmmm, condiments. Oh, the condiments.
Food has, without doubt, become my idol in life. The intense level of mental, emotional, and physical energy that goes into something that should be so simple is frightening to me. It's an example of something that sin has gone and distorted, made unnatural. God created this amazing work of art, my body, to process and be fueled by some pretty amazing natural creations (we can call Cheetos natural creations, right?), and I know His design wasn't for my love and affections to be placed on His creation rather than Him, the Creator. And as I see my kids starting to adopt some of my eating habits, I cringe and finally see the need (and, beyond that, feel READY for) a lasting change.
Yesterday morning, some girlfriends and I discovered that we're all pretty much in this same boat: unhealthy relationships with food, readiness to change. So we formed a little support group for each other and have decided to set six-week-long goals as baby steps to changing our habits and lifestyle. We're trying to keep each other accountable and will celebrate our victories together (because I am CONFIDENT there will be victories!). So for this first six weeks my baby steps are:
1) Drink 64 oz. of water a day.
2) No more after-dinner snacking (you'll be happy to know I pulled the Crunch 'n Munch out at 10:00 last night, remembered this goal, then promptly put it back).
3) Exercise 4 times a week.

And perhaps you can give me some accountability too, now that I have spewed out my closeted skeletons to you, dear cyberspace friends. If you see me going up for that third or fourth helping, debating ordering that Big Mac versus, well, pretty much ANYTHING else, you can just lean over and whisper a little code word as a reminder. We'll make it...."condiments".

Here Comes the Sun

Whether it's literal or figurative, spring is a time for emerging from dark caves. I'm no polar bear, so I'd say I'm dealing more in the figurative sense. While this winter was a bit easier than the previous couple, it was still a bit of a dark time mentally. Everything is colored in shades of gray and that includes my mental attitude. So it really does feel like coming out into the world once more with spring's arrival. I can tell, too, that my senses have been just starved for spring: the riot of colors, scents, and sounds that the deadness of winter just doesn't allow. I can't wait for that first day when I notice the explosion of green on the trees.

We've been taking advantage of this a-maz-ing weather by getting outside as much as possible. Generally this means the boys go out in the backyard and roll around in the dirt. Several times a day. My bathtub's dirt-ring is approaching legendary status. There have also been visits to the park, walks to the library, ball-playing, ice-cream buying, and last week we made it to the Morton Arboretum (on discount Wednesday during everyone else's spring break week. MOBBED! But still fun). Next week Jeran has spring break from school which, sadly, won't amount to much since he goes to school in the afternoons and the other boys need to nap at that time. But it does mean we'll have lots of fun morning outings with no pressure to get him anywhere on time (not that "on time" is a phrase that usually describes our family anyway).

In other news: Jeran now owns his very own bike thanks to Papa and Nana's birthday gift.

Stop. Don't even think it. Oh my word - you just thought it! I know you did! Something along the lines of: Your FIVE-year-old is JUST getting a bike?????!!!! (This is roughly the same thing that JJ's doctor said at his five-year check-up a few weeks back. With slightly more tact and slightly less dramatics.) I really have no excuse for the fact that my child only now owns and is learning to ride a bike except that he's never expressed interest, so we never really pursued it. For some reason this summer we are all sorts of motivated to really be outdoors as a family and do some of these things (like bike-riding) that we haven't before. I know this has a lot to do with our kids getting older. It also has something to do with the whole physical fitness kick James and I find ourselves on lately. Something about being smack in the 30s is finally lighting a fire under our pathetically out-of-shape behinds. It has gotten really old to feel as sluggish as we often do, so we've started to slooooowly make some changes to our eating habits and activity levels (which, I should add, is really easy to do when you're starting from practically nil). One area of exercise we've found that we both enjoy is yoga. Not the whole sit-cross-legged-and-chant portion of the event, but the gaining-flexibility-and-strength area. James, especially, has had a lot of issues with his back since a major car accident several years ago, and he finds this helps decrease the pain he has. So we've gotten some yoga DVDs from the library in order to embarrass ourselves initially in the privacy of our own home. It has certainly been an exercise in hilarity.

I have also found myself compelled to RUN. Gulp. Yes, run. This is more in the "thinking about it with good intentions" stage, but it's there, nevertheless. I can think of only one other time in my life when I have wanted to run, and it had everything to do with a very motivated, energetic friend and mass quantities of extra time on my hands. So we'll see where these fitness aspirations actually lead.

In news of the friendship sort, a couple of weeks ago we had a visit from our close friends, Russ and Jess and their adorable offspring (two boys ages 3 and 1 - we love boys!). When I say close I do not mean geographically. Philly, PA stole them away from us about 6 years ago, but their newest address is in NY state. What I love most about these two is that EVERY single time we are together it's as if we saw one another just last week. It truly feels like no time has passed at all, and we pick up right where we left off: the laughter, the conversation both silly and deep, and the ability to just kick back and be completely 100% ourselves. Of course this means that every time we part ways again my sadness lingers a little longer. But I'm looking ahead to years of fun that our families will share, and it was great this time to watch our kids start getting to know one another, particularly as we've been sharing this journey of parenthood across the miles.

JUMPING on the air mattress is so much more fun than SLEEPING on it!

Grayson and Jude getting acquainted. HOW CUTE ARE THEY??

Who WOULDN'T bond over ice cream and Wii?

And now we've come to the best news of all: Easter is here, and I am officially reminded of what my Savior has done for me and what gives me cause for even greater joy than the sun that fills our days. And that is the love and mercy God pours out upon me, and the hope of an even brighter future.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans. 5:8

Hallelujah and Happy Easter!