Initially I wasn't sure why I was so compelled to drop everything and put this song on repeat. Something about it was speaking to me in a very deep place. I don't necessarily consider myself or my family one who strives for the "American Dream", yet I related so strongly to references in the song: "breathing but asleep", "don't let the devil bury me alive", "don't let the suburbs kill my heart and soul". As much as we try to fight it, our culture is on a quickly downward spiraling path of chasing things that just don't matter. I've felt it, as much as I think I'm above such things. My soul has gone through periods of starvation this past year because I too often choose the path of ease and convenience, wants and desires. I bury myself in material comforts and control and fleeting pleasures. And that's not really living.
Here's another thing. I'm really done with suburban living. Oddly, with all of its people and activity, it's a really isolating way to live. All the pieces of my life are so disjointed and spread out and even with all my incredible friends and church and school, there still seems to be a sense of community missing. And there's the relentless quest for "more" that just seems built into our DNA. I've had bouts of depression where I feel like the suburbs are killing my heart and soul and that I'm breathing but asleep.
Another thing about the past year is that it has been such a waiting period. I've felt God calling me to be still (heh, heh - still working on that one) and to just wait and see what he has coming. To pursue contentment and learn how to just be where I am. To learn how to just be. And I think I made some strides toward that end. At the start of this year, I sensed God calling me to focus more on surrender in my life. Yeah, I've been there before, Big Guy! It didn't go so well, did it? But this year has been different. There are definitely changes in the works. Not the least of which is this little guy/girl:
It's taken me awhile to surrender my plans for the future on this one. Next fall the boys will all be in school, and it was time for a new chapter, perhaps some more freedom. And now instead I'll be headed back to the land of diapers and naps. But, as God has clearly pointed out to me the last couple of months, I'm also going back to the land of baby scent, cuddles, growing and birthing a miraculous little life. And we're excited for this new chapter, though it might not have been the one we envisioned.
There are other new things in the works that we didn't see coming at the end of 2013, and I find myself back in the waiting period giving up my control over and over again. And there's a strange peace in that. In surrender. I want to truly discover abundant life this year. To be still. To simplify. To just "live in the mess" as a wise soul recently told me and give up the illusion of perfectionism and the idea that all my ducks will EVER be in a row. To stop running and chasing after the things that don't matter. And to just wait and see where God takes us next on this crazy journey.
