Freedom

I've been struggling a great deal lately. Struggling with waking up motivated to face my life and tackle the day. Struggling to enjoy my children rather than just be exhausted by them. Struggling to focus on all the good God has placed in my life rather than on the inconveniences and challenges. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that I could choose a different line of thinking and a different perspective but having no energy to even be willing. I hate waking up in the morning and feeling almost as drained as I did the night before when I went to bed. I feel like a failure as a wife, a mom, a friend, and I feel like a fraud as a Christian. Shouldn't I be relying on God more as my strength? Shouldn't I trust Him to pull me through what is a tough, yes, but not impossible time of life? Isn't every other mom I have the privilege to know going through this? I'm certainly no exception to the rule. So why do I wallow in it? I feel like Satan has me completely bogged down, wrapped up in myself, full of confusion as to how to get out of my own head, completely incapable of seeing the bigger picture.
Yesterday morning I spent some time just crying out to God and seeking comfort from His word. (Took me long enough! It's these simple acts of rescue that don't even cross my mind when I'm so completely buried in the daily trenches; the most obvious courses of action just aren't obvious when you feel like all you're trying to do is survive.) Below are the verses He directed my attention to and some of the thoughts I had and wrote down as I read through them. And,though not immediately, I did find peace:



Psalm 62:1-2, 5-8, 11: "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. [at which point I wrote in the margin: But I DO feel shaken today, Lord! I just can't get it together!] Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. [I have a choice. I WILL NOT be shaken.] My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong and that you, O Lord, are loving."


Psalm 63:1, 3-8: "Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary [soooo weary] land where there is no water. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." [My focus needs to be on praising the Lord for who He is, not on what I'm not. I desire to find contentment in all he has done for/given me and to allow His hand to uphold me, not my abilities, plans, or unworthy substitutes.]

Ephesians 3:16-21: "I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. [Yes! God's Spirit DOES dwell in me! An endless wellspring of love and strength!] And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love [am I? IS that where I'm rooted? In Christ's love and in living a life of love out of gratitude to Him? Are all of my thoughts, words, actions, established in and out of His love?] "may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. [Empty me of myself! Fill me with You! How I desire to TRULY grasp the love of Christ for me.] Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen." [His power IS at work within me today.]


I still struggled yesterday, don't get me wrong, but not to the extent that I had been. I didn't feel SO weary, worn, and stretched thin. I found rest in the message of His words.

God had another message for me yesterday as well. After dropping JJ off at school I was driving toward the highway on a major route that passes our house and also, farther down the road, happens to pass a state penitentiary, so it's not uncommon to see DOC buses or vans passing by. This was the case yesterday. I happened to pass a van carrying a couple of inmates, made glaringly obvious by their neon yellow jumpsuits. It hit me as I drove past that I have been given immeasurable freedom. Freedom to wake up in my own bed each morning, to spend unlimited time with my children and husband every day. Freedom to be driving in my own car to meet up with friends. And beyond all of these glorious choices I'm given, even greater is that I am not trapped in a spiritual prison of hopelessness. I have been given the greatest gift of salvation through Christ Jesus. I have no cause to live in fear and despair; I have been set free. What a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I realized this!
The day to day is still going to bog me down. But I hope I can hang onto this renewed perspective and rest in the Lord, even when rest seems far from me.
I am choosing joy.