Please hear me: there has been rich reward for us in this move. I LOVE my extended family and the opportunity to be closer to them. This has been a priceless gift that my heart LONGED for during the years we were away. I have been reunited with lifelong friends with whom I've had to spend the majority of my adult life in long distance relationships, and this has been a treasure. I have been richly blessed by the new people we've met and communities we have become part of here. I am in love with the beauty of our town and our state and all of the opportunities it has to offer.There is joy, without doubt.
But something in me has shifted. Something I haven't been able to name or put my finger on. It's clouding out the light of that joy many days. I think that my prophetic use of the word "stripped" would most closely describe what this journey has been doing to me. I am being remade; I can feel it. God is using this time (or wants to use this time, anyway, if I would just let Him) to show me Himself in a new way, to do in me and through me a new thing. But I have spent a lot of time nursing hurts, living in fear, and sheltering my ideals and expectations of this journey. Unmet ideals and expectations, I might add. Surrender is a painful process; letting go can be exhausting. And most days that has described well my state of mind: exhausted, overwhelmed, feeling inadequate.
We're zeroing in on the two-year mark of this transition. I am ecstatic to note that we will not be continuing our tradition of moving into a new house every August 1st. There is immense relief in this. And in this second year, my capacity to climb out of the wallowing and reflect has grown a bit with each passing month. As the calendar turned to 2017 I felt a stirring to once again focus in on a particular area of growth for the year ahead, and I believe this year it's to continually pray the prayer of indifference: "Thy will be done. I am your servant". To live with open hands. To lay down my expectations, my disappointments, my dreams, my anxiety and inadequacies.....to release these so that there would be greater room for God's Fruit to grow: for love, joy, peace, and on and on. I am being pruned, which can be painful. But I believe it WILL yield a greater harvest in the end.
And so I desire to open my hands so that I can release the past and surrender the future. So that I can focus on today and the joy therein (see last post). It is a battle for me. But one I know is worth fighting.