FINALLY!!!

After an absurdly long time (ok, it was, like, two months, but that can feel REALLY long) of waiting, we finally received James's CFP test results in the mail today. We had a pretty good feeling that today would actually and at long last be the day since the results, according to the CFP website, were mailed out last Thursday. So when the boys and I got home from Little Lambs and some errands (poor James...I made him wait while I ran extra errands on today of all days) I ran straight for the mailbox. The long-awaited envelope was (and I cannot say this enough) FINALLY there. Without any ado I tore into it, and the first word that jumped out at me was CONGRATULATIONS. I assumed they did not mean, "Congratulations, you've lasted two long months while we tallied the scores" or "Congratulations, you get to study for this crazy thing again", and immediately called James at work. His shock and disbelief were priceless. He REALLY had prepared himself that he would not pass. I don't think he will truly believe it until he sees the letter with his own eyes. Phew! So that chapter can fade behind us now. His CFP is basically a title (and in my opinion there's a lot of stress attached for a title) that grants him greater credibility in his profession. People know you are serious about what you do when you have studied your butt off to put those three little letters behind your name. For James it was a combined effort of 11 years of experience, a year of classes, a week-long review class, and countless odd hours spend studying on his own.
There may be more opportunities and open doors for him via this designation, but for now I am just so proud of him and all the work he put into this endeavor and will have to think of a way to MAJORLY party to celebrate his accomplishment.

Movin' on

Another week has passed, not quite as fraught with self-abasement and cabin fever, despite temperatures at 30 below. Yikes! Part of what helped me cope a bit more positively was a few outings, including the return of Tuesday Little Lambs and MOPS to our life. Outside of that, not much new to report. Oh, except for the discovery of books on CD for use during Jeran's "nap" time (not that sleeping has been in the mix for a number of weeks now). Now if I could just get him to quit destroying the CD cases....the library will be very unhappy with us.
We continue to wrestle with our decisions about the future - where we will be, what we will be doing. It's no secret, I think, that we have been talking about moving back to Michigan to be closer to family. Obviously that would be the big draw (well, except maybe for also the beach); it's certainly not the economy there. :-) Anyway, we are at an overwhelming place right now where we realize all the huge, monumental things that must take place for this to happen: selling a house, finding jobs, leaving behind all that we know and love here in Illinois. Even if we did not end up in Michigan we are ready to get outta R-ville. It's not home. There's no community feel here. In all fairness we aren't ever really around the neighborhood long enough to pursue that feel, however... it's definitely not where we feel led to stay. So where do we feel led? It's tough to know right now. One thing I do know: God is faithful to lead us. Prov. 3:5-6 has been popping up all over the place lately, and I know it's His way of reminding us that He has it all under control.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
What's interesting is this is the verse James and I chose as our "marriage verse" when we tied the knot. It's never been truer or more needed than at this crossroads in our life. And we need to remember that although we cannot see the way ahead, God knows it. It's only our job to trust.
So...many changes lie on the horizon, and the details are a mystery to us. We have our third baby due to arrive in about 3 months, gender unknown. We are planning on putting our house on the market in/around March. Lots of details to undertake so it's ready, and who knows how long it will take to sell. Future work - ? Future town of residence - ? We leave it all in God's hands who knows our personal desires, and in the end will work according to His purpose for us.

Adjustments

It has been a week of adjusting back to normality. And I do mean adjusting. For one thing, I definitely got spoiled having James off of work for a full week. For another thing, my pregnancy hormones, sickness rotating through my family, and being confined to my house every day but one this week have all conspired to make me lose my marbles, as well as my perspective. I have been playing the good mom/bad mom routine in my head with alarming frequency, if not constancy. All of my words, attitudes, actions are weighed on the scale of the good mom versus the bad, and the scales have been tipped far in favor of bad mommy. This has not been good for my self-esteem or confidence in this full time job I have and has therefore not been great for my kids either. I don't know what kicked off this self-sabatoging behavior, but it's GOT TO STOP! I have had so many "I can't do this anymore" moments this week it's not even funny. On more than one occasion I've stopped berating myself long enough to reassure me that I'm being crazy and way too hard on myself, but for whatever reason I don't believe me. And I get too prideful to admit it and ask for help too, sometimes even from my hubby. I have a newly realized fear (or maybe not so new, actually) of being a pest, a pain, a burden. I think it probably just all comes down to pride that I don't want to admit I'm struggling. I convince myself that everyone else has it all together and is doing just fine, which I also know is crazy. My breathing and heart rate have come down to a normal level, at least, as I've admitted this all in writing. I'm sure it also helps that the weekend is here, we have no pressing obligations for a whole day tomorrow, and James will be home with us. Maybe I can regroup and face the next week with a better grasp of reality.

Speaking of adjustments, my body continues to go through some as this little one progresses along. Heartburn has hit me something FIERCE, and I know (although it's painful to admit) that some serious food adjustments (there's THAT word again) will need to take place, so that I can begin to get some sleep again. Especially since I don't think Tums meets the recommended dietary allowance for calcium, really. Also, as predicted, my ice-crunching compulsion that has reared its ugly head in my past 2 pregnancies has hit at roughly the same time with this little bean: month 5. It's an odd thing and the only real craving I've had throughout my three pregnancies. It's also a bit embarrassing.

We gave the boys another trial run in sharing a room this past week. Up to this point, Ben has been relegated to the guest bedroom, which we have never given up as it is used so often with family coming through from out of town. Although he really could care less, I find that I feel badly for him that he doesn't have a "real" bedroom; rather, just a Pack 'n Play jammed into the corner of a spare room. With James's parents coming through and staying overnight this past weekend, I thought it would be a good time to re-try the arrangement. We had given it a go once Ben was sleeping through the night, earlier last year, but the boys had (and still have) their moments of waking up and needing to cry themselves back to sleep a little bit. Well, when one awakens in the night (or VERRRRY early morning) so does the other, and we found that to be true in this case as well. I had high hopes since they're both a little bit older, and admittedly, we did have some really cute brotherly moments to witness: laughing hysterically together one night at bedtime when Ben hadn't yet fallen asleep before Jeran came in. This grew considerably less cute after about 30 minutes, though. Also, Jeran, at first, loved having his little brother share his room, but when we moved Ben back into the guest room last night, I must admit he seemed relieved. Perhaps we can try again when they get even older. Better yet, perhaps we could move into a bigger house where everyone just has his own room.
Benjamin news: the kid is CRUISING. He can make his way, walking, around the perimeter of pretty much an entire room while holding onto things or people. It won't be long now.....and I haven't totally reconciled how I feel about it either way.
A few Jeranisms that catch our heart:
(saying good-night to Ben) - "Good-night, Minj (Benji's nickname). Love you in the mornin'!"
"I need some medicine (or cookies, or candy, or t.v., as the case may be) to feel me better, Mom."

2009

2009 has rolled in, and I'm proud to say we stayed awake long enough to see midnight, although barely. I have great peace about the coming year and high hopes. There's something about feeling like it's a fresh start that is very motivating. Speaking of motivation, I guess I should unpack sometime in the new year....
Today was a relaxing day spent as a family. We restocked our shelves with a quick grocery trip, then braved the Brookfield Zoo. It was definitely chilly when the wind picked up but so worth it. Jeran's enthusiasm for the zoo is so contagious, it's hard not to love it. I can tell you I did NOT love the smell in the pachyderm house, though. Phew! After a lunch at McD's we came home, and the boys hunkered down for a nap while James and I had some deep talks about goals for the coming year and beyond. We're trying to be intentional about our priorities and where those are rooted, and there's just something so intimate, if I may use that word, about being on the same page in life. I definitely praise God for my hubby. Now he's off playing a friendly game of poker with his buddies, the boys are soundly sleeping, and I'm trying to decide what takes precedence around here: cleaning up and unpacking or the latest book club read that needs to be finished by Monday. What was I saying about motivation?
In pregnancy news, heartburn sucks.

Ick

This morning's coffee is a must as opposed to a luxury. Well, hmmmm...coffee addiction runs in my genes, so I guess more often than not it's a "must". Today, however, my need for a caffeine kick-start results from Ben's early morning escapade with the aforementioned (see previous blog) G.I. bug running through the family. Around 3:00 a.m., much to my horror, I awoke to hear Ben choking amidst panicked cries. Praise the Lord we are at my parents' house where we essentially share a room, so I was easily able to hear him. In the few seconds that my foggy brain had to speculate about what was happening, one word formed in my mind: puke. The lamp shed light (literally) on the cause of his distress, and he had indeed lost his lunch. Or more accurately I guess, dinner. I learned as a teacher and then later with Jeran to go into auto-pilot mode at this point. Bed and baby clean-up (with a great amount of assistance from my husband - who has a fairly weak stomach and I'm sure was also on auto-pilot) ensued, and we settled on the couch to wait out the storm. Poor little guy had a few more episodes, and we could tell he was very confused as to what was happening to him. This is another cause for praise since it means he's been really healthy his first year of life and hadn't experienced this before. One clear thought I did keep having was that this could be so much worse. Jeran's first experience with this ailment was around the same age and occurred while we were driving back to Illinois from Michigan. In the pouring rain. Which means no windows could be opened for relief. We also quickly ran out of items with which to protect him and the rest of the car. I think he ended up wearing a garbage bag. So yes, it could have been so much worse. At this point he is sleeping, and it seems that everything is over (knock on wood), so I sip (actually it's more of a guzzle right now) my cup of joe and try to move on with the day.

Merry Christmas...and a happy new year!

Once again I am sadly behind on posting updates about our life. I guess living it takes precedence over writing about it these days. My most favorite time of year has come and is passing by - the Christmas season. It has been a wonderful time in Michigan with our families, and we hope to catch up with a few friends as well. We arrived last week Wednesday and will be staying until New Year's Eve, at which time we will high-tail it home, so I can fall asleep on the couch before the ball drops. We enjoyed a very white Christmas amidst all of our holiday fun and festivities, since when we arrived here there was just about 3 feet of snow. Of course, once we planned on taking Jeran sledding for the first time (I know - 3 1/2 and first sledding; it's a sad commentary on our parenting and lack of outdoorsy gumption) it rained and rained and depleted the supply. However, he's perfectly happy tromping through puddles in his new boots and got to hit the library with Nana that day instead, so I guess there's no long-term trauma involved.

My thoughts are turning to the new year and wondering what lies ahead in it. One thing I have finally gotten through my thick skull in 2008 is that there are no guarantees in life. One day can change drastically what happens in subsequent ones. I have seen that through illness, death, and various other traumas as well as great joys, experienced by people in my life this past year. At the risk of sounding too blase' about it, it is with a grateful heart that I acknowledge God's blessing over my family and the overwhelming presence of joys as opposed to traumas. However, I recognize this doesn't guarantee smooth sailing in 2009. One day at a time, though. What are my hopes for '09? Always at number 1 is to grow in my relationship with the Lord. I feel He is breaking new ground in me as the year closes out and pray that that continues on in the new year. I hope for a healthy baby come May (I'd love a girl, Lord, but I won't push my luck here), a potty-trained 4 year old when March 17 rolls around, and continued closeness in my marriage (not necessarily in that order). I'd love to fast-forward through the year and know for sure where we'll be city and job-wise. It's been rattling around in our brains and hearts the last couple of years to be closer to family. It would be incredibly hard to leave behind our life in Illinois as well, though, so we'll see what answer God provides in that sphere. Another hope I have is to curb my addiction to junk food and abhorrence of physical activity. If I could hire a personal trainer and nutritionist that would really help. Guess I forgot to put that on my Christmas list. In short, living each day to the fullest, praising God in all circumstances.

In other news, this pregnancy has taken a turn on me in the last week. On top of various digestive issues (which, in all fairness, should also be attributed to some sort of bug passing through as James and my mom have also ended up with it - or maybe that's sympathy gastrointestinal problems?) I find myself much more fatigued. I also feel, wrongly so due to my actual size (pics to come, eventually), more cumbersome and clumsy. Getting down on the floor with the boys is a feat but nothing compared to getting back up. And praise the Lord I do not have stairs in my home. The motivation and energy I've had to muster up each time I've had to climb stairs here at my mom and dad's would probably make a 90-year-old on oxygen shake their head in disgust with me. Perhaps this all speaks to my sad lack of physical in-shapeness more than anything else. I've been struggling more with catching my breath too, in any situation, particularly when I have to stand for long periods of time. I had this annoyance with both of my other pregnancies as well and have been told by the doctor it probably has to do with where my uterus and the placenta are; they may be infringing upon my diaphragm's freedom to move. My other wierd thing in both other pregnancies was an obsession with ice-crunching, so I'm waiting for that one to hit. When I was pregnant with Ben, even my fifth graders and their parents started commenting on my ice-eating quirk, so it's a pretty prominent affliction unfortunately. I guess there are worse cravings I could have.

More news and pics to come in coming days. My other hope for 2009 is to be more consistent with the blog and especially with photos. One day at a time...

Calgon, take me away!

One of the biggest differences between my full-time working life outside the home and my full-time working life as a stay-at-home mom is the fact that there are no breaks. Granted, with teaching there were few breaks to speak of in my day, but I could at least catch one 15-20 minute snatch of time in which to regroup or at least chug some coffee before returning to educate the masses. It's so wearing now to be needed ALL the time. Just in the typing of this short blog I've had a 3 1/2-year-old climbing on me, interrupting to ask for a snack, then needing to be disciplined for hurting his brother, and a one-year-old has needed his nose wiped, a toy retrieved, and tears dried from being hurt by his brother. To be fair, there are those rare days when both boys will nap, and that is glorious, a time when I definitely take at least 15 - 20 minutes for myself. But most of those days I just feel the pressing need to take care of various duties around the house. Today I am wishing I just had 20 minutes to myself. 20 minutes to drink coffee, read something that has nothing to do with children, and not be needed in any way. Sigh. Those of you reading this who work full time outside your home AND have children are rolling your eyes with lack of sympathy. I can take it. I've been there too, so I understand. I guess that's all the time I have for right now because my one-year-old is telling me by his cries and big brown eyes pointed in my direction that he needs me...