"Do or do not. There is no try." - Yoda

A recent conversation in my home:
Me: I'm no good at cooking. I do not enjoy it.
Hubs: Why don't you just embrace this about yourself? I did a long time ago.
Me: silence.  hearty laughter

It may sound like a cruel statement to the average listener, but it was actually very freeing for me to hear.
I allow myself to fall under the illusion that I have to be great at everything, particularly those gifts which many stay-at-home moms find themselves possessing, like cooking.  Or having clean children. But I'm starting to realize the misery I've been inflicting on myself and those close to me as I strive to be perfect in areas that don't bring me any joy.  While I claim to hold the belief that God has created each of us uniquely, I always find myself comparing me to others and coming up short, rather than exploring how He has actually made me.

On the heels of this conversation at home, I was directed to a book entitled Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. In one section of the book, she deals with the "Things I Don't Do", quoting a friend who encouraged her by saying that it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about.  What's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.
This. Is sheer genius.
And so unbelievably hard to spell out.  I don't like to feel like a failure, wimp, weakling, quitter.  I have a really, really difficult time admitting that there are some things I just am not good at and don't enjoy. But I love this idea that by admitting and letting go of those things, I will have more room in my life for the things that bring me joy, that God created me to do and love.
And so, here are the lists I have been pondering:

THINGS I DO:
~ I regularly sit at the feet of my Savior, reading His word, talking to and listening to Him. I wish I could say I did this everyday.  I am not there yet.  But more and more, as I get to know Him, I find that true peace comes from trusting and following Him and that all other areas of my life fall into place.
~I spend time connecting with my husband and growing our relationship, living each day walking with and carrying each other, by turns. I have learned so much about what selfless love is from this man.
~ Each day I try (whoops, sorry Yoda) to give a little more of myself than I did the day before to my children, snuggling and playing and laughing and praying with them, teaching them, watching them grow.
~ I have been blessed with some amazing, giving, wise women in my life and I cherish these friendships and strive to make time for them.
~ My mind and soul are fed through reading and writing - two things I don't give a lot of time to these days but I'm adding them to the "do" list because they really need to be there.
~ I am committed to my church family, thriving on the corporate worship and teaching and service and love I am able to give and receive there.  
~ I love for music to infiltrate my life: listening, singing, occasionally playing my violin.
~ And of course there are the have tos: buying groceries, changing diapers, paying bills, laundry/washing dishes/sweeping and vacuuming floors and generally trying to make sure our home is not a danger to our health, because my boys, God love 'em, would probably be pretty content with a bit more squalor than I'm comfortable with.

THINGS I DON'T DO:

~ I don't cook. Wait. Hold on. I "cook". I mean, I can't have anyone starving to death on my watch. But I am ready to let go of the perception that I am, or one day will be, good at it. (See above convo with the hubs). Mind you, I LOVE Food Network. And I will probably offer to make you a meal should you be in a situation where this would make your life easier. But I should ask my hubby first as he'll probably be cooking a good portion of it.

~ I don't keep perfect house either in cleanliness, clutter control, or decor. I'll admit to having a once a week cleaning day to exorcise my compulsion for cleanliness, eliminating dishes I've no doubt let pile up, spraying down a bathroom that by all rights should probably just be lit on fire and done with, and vacuuming up crumbs on a carpet that's a lost cause anyway.

~ I don't give much* of myself to people who are negative to a toxic degree or who suck me completely dry. I don't spend time with those who think I'm less of a person because I don't meet their standards or who just won't try to understand where I am in my life right now.  For example, the fact that I don't shower everyday or may go a week without wearing makeup. Also, my children are very important to me.  If they are too noisy or inconvenient for you right now, we'll probably be going our seperate ways.

~I do not have my children signed up in any and every activity that could conceivably be loved by a child. I would be lying if I said I didn't believe that because of this I have already stripped them of a future in professional sports.  But we've tried to give more precedence to just letting them be kids and spending time as a family.
~I do not landscape and barely garden. My husband helps me select things and plant them. I do my darndest to not let them die but this is a yearly crapshoot.

And what about those things that I WANT to do and for which I feel a passion but have not yet made time for? Like learning to play piano and guitar. Traveling. Perhaps one day fostering a passion for cooking. There are so many things that this life offers, and I can't possibly do them all and certainly not well. So I'll continue pondering these lists and (hopefully) living them out proudly.

* I wish I could say I give NONE of myself to these people, but I'm still working on that "no" muscle. :)

The Words I Couldn't Speak

What is your only comfort in life and death?*
Color-stained sanctuary
Lily-scented air
Tear-lined cheeks
That I am not my own, but belong - body and soul
To my faithful Savior Jesus Christ
Sun-dappled greenery
Biting chill in the air
Gaping hole
Sealed box
Body and soul
And now we turn to leave you here
Your body
Just turn away
And I keep looking back
Thinking how wrong it feels
To leave you behind
In life and death
Memories
Moments
Love and laughter
Always your laughter
            your encouragement
                 your wisdom
                     your affirmation
To my faithful Savior Jesus Christ
But it is not you we leave here
It is not you for whom I grieve.
Because I belong to Him,
Christ, by His Holy Spirit,
assures me of eternal life
You are whole
You are rejoicing
You are free
and makes me whole-heartedly willing and ready
from now on
to live for Him.
to live

*Heidelberg Catechism Q and A 1

Time Marches On

Ok, so check it out. This guy turned seven on March 17:

Oh, how I want to hold on to these days. And oh, how in true Julie fashion I get all nostalgic and look back and forget about sleeplessness and strong little wills and only see (FINALLY) the light at the end of the "simply surviving" tunnel and realize how quickly it's all going. Anyway, I could go on and on along this vein. You get the picture. You've heard it before.I'm amazed to watch the person this boy is becoming. His energy, his love for Legos and drawing and telling stories, the moments of pride as I watch him teach and oversee and love on his younger brothers, the spiritual connections he's making and how real God is to him even at this young age. It's enough to make a mom forget the meltdowns and frustrations and off-the-wall hyperactivity that can sometimes seem to be the only things making up our days. I am so proud. Not in a "look what I'm doing" kind of way, but in an awe-filled "look what God is giving me a front row seat to" kind of way.

I love you, J. Happy 7th. May God see fit to slow our time with you down JUST a little.

The Simple Life OR Nun Sightings

During recent visits to a Target store near my home I have noticed the same petite, elderly nun shuffling the aisles, the dull gray dress and habit lined with white giving her away. I watched her ahead of me in line one day making her purchases and the thought that immediately came to mind was "How simple her life must be". Her sole purpose in life is laid out clearly before her. Every morning no doubt begins with solitude and silence and probably ends the same way. The days routinely are divided into times of service, prayer, and apparently shopping at Target. (I should point out that I'm purely guessing at all this as everything I know about nuns I learned from the Sound of Music.) I think of how I race through my days and how much I've been grappling lately with how and where my time needs to be spent, a steady stream of guilt-ridden thoughts about where I should/shouldn't be plaguing me, the clutter and detritus of life strewn around me. How I would love to rise in the morning with no one needing me except my Savior. And to face the day without having to think about what to wear (and making this same decision for three others), what to eat, where to go.
Not long after these ponderings took place, I was driving along a four-lane road and was passed on the left by a red mini-van whose passengers were (take a guess)...nuns. This went so against my nun stereotypes (ie: Sound of Music) that I laughed out loud. And immediately realized that my perceptions of how simple the life of a nun is and how complicated my life is, is all a matter of perspective. Do nuns really have the potential to be more fulfilled than me? Would my life really be that much simpler? Clearly they still have decisions to make like which mini van to drive and what to buy at Target. I guess another glaring question here is was I really pondering life as a nun as one of the life choice paths I didn't take?
I do struggle lately with the idea of simplifying, as I always feel rushed/overwhelmed/burdened. But it is in the midst of all this that Christ calls me to come to him and find rest. Just because I don't live in a convent (is that what they call those anymore?) doesn't mean that my day can't begin and end in solitude or be filled with acts of service. I still have to decide what to wear, I guess, and I still awaken with the needs of my family immediately at hand. But even in this, hasn't God commanded me not to worry about what I will eat, drink, and wear? He has called me to be IN the world, not of it. And in the world there are decisions and distractions and people and activities vying for my time. But there is also relationship, beauty, joy, fulfillment. There is peace in the midst of chaos and contentment and wisdom if I will simply seek those things in the middle of it all. Which reminds me of this verse:
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:12-14
Maybe it really is simple. Though not easy.
Just some things a couple of nuns showed me.

The Truth

I have been troubled lately by a startling lack of truth in our world today. Maybe it's more appropriate for me to say I am troubled by the startling ABUNDANCE of truth(s). The conversations around me are saturated with words like "tolerance" and "relative" and "what works for you". I find it disconcerting and confusing, to say the least. What I hear these days leads me to believe that we kind of just want to do our own thing.
Well, duh.
We're looking for freedom. Freedom from limitations, restrictions, consequences, anything at all that would dare infringe on our inherent right to happiness. So be careful if you carry with you a message that even remotely reeks of intolerance. As I do.
You see, I'm a Christian. The most heinous abuser of tolerance there is, according to general society today. It's like a punch in the face when I witness how outraged some people automatically become the second you slap that label on yourself. The offensive message I carry is that I know, personally, a loving God who desires to have a close relationship with me. And I want you to know and love Him too. But that's not what people hear in my message. What they hear is that I am intolerant. I hate homosexuals, Buddhists, abortionists, and anyone else who doesn't think the way I do. (I don't, for the record.) Because I take it literally when Jesus says, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" (John 14:6), I am ignorant and unaccepting.
It makes me sad. Not just because I REALLY really don't like it when people don't like me. I have a pride issue, I know. But it makes me sad that people have totally misunderstood Jesus' message. Yes, he IS intolerant. (what???) He is intolerant of our sin. Because he wants BETTER for us. He was mocked, abused, unpopular, downright hated, killed...to bring us better. And when he says "I am the way", he doesn't say it to be restrictive and take away our freedom, he says it to GIVE us freedom. To give us life "to the full" (John 10:10). God didn't come as a man to win any popularity contests, people. He came to give life and save us from ourselves. Yes, he asks that we give up our lying, thieving, covetous, materialistic, promiscuous, drunken lifestyles. But in exchange he wants to give us ABUNDANT LIFE.
I guess I am just saddened by the fact that rather than speaking the truth in love, there are a wealth of people who are trying to speak a message of love while abandoning the truth. But their message is one of emptiness when it doesn't include Jesus and what he did for us. And I guess I'm just frustrated because I don't really know how to convincingly get across my message in a postmodern world that will respond with "Whatever works for you".
Well, I'll tell you what works for me. God's absolute truth. Am I perfectly submitted to it yet? No. I still wage war with the world on this point. But I have found Jesus' words to hold truer than anything the world has shown me yet.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid...I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 14:27, 16:33)

Back to Basics

It all seems to come back to this:
1)Read the Word
2) DO it
3) Pray and Listen
4) Live by faith

Simple, right?
?????

Pity Partay

Dearest loved ones (because, truly, you must love me if you keep coming back here), I struggle lately with feeling that I have anything worthwhile to say. I could bog you down with tales of how everyday I feel just a little more overwhelmed by my life. I could depress you with the regrets that I wear to bed each evening lately. I could list for you the shows that I become more engrossed with the longer I keep my subscription to Netflix. I could put out there my huge list of "Improvements to Make" or whine about how badly I want a vacation. But none of this seems very grateful or fulfilling. I'm not sure what my deal is lately. I can't seem to get a grip or to live out that word: GRATEFUL. I am. I really am so grateful for the life that I have, for the people in it, for the God who has made it all possible. But I don't feel it these days. I'm not living it. I feel lost and confused. I look around me and see all these people who have direction! focus! a purpose!
(This might be a good time to make a pitch for what I really think I need: a personal assistant/trainer/nutritionist who also has nannying, cooking, and house-cleaning skills. I think that would pretty much take care of my issues. Wouldn't you agree?)
There's not much point to this post other than to have a little pity party. I'll get back on track. Just struggling a bit right now is all. Maybe say a little prayer for me and let me know how you get through these kinds of moments.