All Dried Up

Many Two of you expressed despair mild disappointment over the fact that your Christmas greeting from our home did not include the usual family update. Honestly, I felt I had nothing to say.This year was uneventful, it seems, and in many ways I feel like we're exactly where we were a year ago.  For many reasons this disappoints me.  I had high hopes of a year filled with growth and maybe a little bit of change. But here we are. The same things about myself that frustrated me then, frustrate me now. Vices from years past plague me still. We reside in our tiny house in our mid-sized suburb. It's a whiny, complain-y way to start off 2013, no? I wish I could look back and say I just sucked the life out of 2012.  That was my intention anyway. But I keep getting all caught up in my head, wondering what's God doing?  What does he have in store? And vascillating between waiting for life to start and pleading with it to slow down.
See why I haven't been blogging lately?  Who wants to listen to this?
In the past couple of years, I've been trying to focus my growth in the area of a word with which I feel God supplies me.  The past couple of years it has been surrender.  Again, I wish I could speak to great growth in this area.  It's slow in coming. This year I think God has a couple of things He wants to teach me and our entire family, for that matter.  The first is:
-wait. While I do some whining about how small our house feels and about the fact that life seems to be in a holding pattern (thus, no Christmas update), I sense God asking us to just be patient and stay put. He has us exactly where we are for a reason.
I have also felt a strong pull to the words gratitude and contentment. Because I think a lot of my struggle has to do with not being these things. This especially came to my attention during the most recent Christmas season when, despite my best efforts, I found myself all caught up in the consumeristic b.s. that tends to overshadow the true meaning of the time.
I don't know what 2013 will hold.  But I am entering into it, despite the disappointment of what last year was or wasn't,  with a great sense of hope and peace. That whatever comes our way, whether earth-shattering and new, or steeped in sameness, whether full of life or seemingly dull and dried up (even if that's just my words), God is in it.

35 Things I've Learned in 35 Years

First of all, I'm on another life-changing book kick. I know. The book is called Organized Simplicity  by Tsh Oxenreider, and it is exactly the book I've needed to read for about a year now. Anyhoo...more on that another time.
I was reading on Tsh's blog and came across this post about the 35 things she's learned in her 35 years.  The list totally made me laugh and also nod my head in agreement. So I thought I'd post my own list of 35.  Which feels a little bit lame since I'm stealing the idea from someone else, but I'm a sucker for a good list, so I'm doing it anyway.

1) Treat others as you would want to be treated.
2) Show compassion.  I love this quote: "Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." -T.H. Thompson and John Watson
3) A life without coffee is not really a life.
4) God first - family second - career third
5) Legos are a blessing and a curse.
6) Trying to be anyone else other than yourself is exhausting and totally not worth it. And man, have I tried over the years.
7) On the heels of #6, do everything you can to learn about yourself and then find joy in using your own unique gifts and talents in all aspects of life, especially loving and serving others.
8) Surround yourself with people who encourage you and love you for who you are.  Count these people as your true friends, but show kindness to EVERYONE.
9) Live out of a grateful heart (I'm still working on this).
10) When upset or hurt or angry, take at least an hour before talking to anyone else about it (or putting it out on Facebook). Many hurt feelings and misdirected emails and unnecessary rants can be avoided this way.
11) This world is full of hurt and sorrow and disappointment.  Know that this is the reality, but rejoice in the good moments and know that God is present with you through the joy and the pain.
12) The Bible is life's most reliable road map.
13) Read, read, and read some more.
14) When feeling anxious in a social or public-speaking situation, fake it. No one will be able to tell you're nervous unless you let them see it.
15) God's plan is ALWAYS the best one.
16) There is a WORLD of parenting advice out there.  When in doubt, go with your gut.  And also, with your girlfriends. They know you best.
17) Everyone's normal until you get to know them. And then we're all just a little bit crazy together.
18) Pray. Persistently. In other words, PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens)
19) Not everyone you come in contact with is your mission.
20) In college, your plans for the evening will start at 10pm. At 35 this is most likely your bedtime. And this is ok.
21) Work on a 50/50 marriage. It's perfectly acceptable, and even preferable, not to operate out of gender stereotypes.See #22.
22) It's ok not to enjoy cooking as a woman! (It works even better when your man does.)
23) Discern between the mountains and the molehills. Don't lose sleep over the latter.
24) Dancing is almost always a good idea.  Drinking excessively (even when dancing) is pretty much always a bad idea.
25) Live within your means. Debt is bondage.  Do everything you can to live financially free.
26) Having "a place for everything and everything in its place" leads to a much clearer mind and less wasted time (ie: where are those freaking keys????!!!).
27) True peace is found in surrendering your own way and will in favor of God's.
28) Time flies by way too fast.  Enjoy the moment you're in.
29) Don't bother with new furniture when you have children. Particularly boys.
30) Know how much you can handle and then be at peace with that, no matter what anyone says.  You are the only one who can draw your boundaries.
31) Not everyone is going to like you.
32) You're only as old as you feel (this is not always a positive thing, but drink the life out of the age you are anyway).
33) The dishes can wait until tomorrow.
34) Learn to control the screens in your home.  Don't let them control you. (This is another one I'm still working on.)
35) Amazing girlfriends are worth their weight in expensive shoes. It's important to invest in close friendships. (None of my girlfriends actually wear really expensive shoes, least of all me, so I'm not totally sure what I meant by this.  Just that I love my friends a whole lot.)

"Do or do not. There is no try." - Yoda

A recent conversation in my home:
Me: I'm no good at cooking. I do not enjoy it.
Hubs: Why don't you just embrace this about yourself? I did a long time ago.
Me: silence.  hearty laughter

It may sound like a cruel statement to the average listener, but it was actually very freeing for me to hear.
I allow myself to fall under the illusion that I have to be great at everything, particularly those gifts which many stay-at-home moms find themselves possessing, like cooking.  Or having clean children. But I'm starting to realize the misery I've been inflicting on myself and those close to me as I strive to be perfect in areas that don't bring me any joy.  While I claim to hold the belief that God has created each of us uniquely, I always find myself comparing me to others and coming up short, rather than exploring how He has actually made me.

On the heels of this conversation at home, I was directed to a book entitled Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. In one section of the book, she deals with the "Things I Don't Do", quoting a friend who encouraged her by saying that it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about.  What's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.
This. Is sheer genius.
And so unbelievably hard to spell out.  I don't like to feel like a failure, wimp, weakling, quitter.  I have a really, really difficult time admitting that there are some things I just am not good at and don't enjoy. But I love this idea that by admitting and letting go of those things, I will have more room in my life for the things that bring me joy, that God created me to do and love.
And so, here are the lists I have been pondering:

THINGS I DO:
~ I regularly sit at the feet of my Savior, reading His word, talking to and listening to Him. I wish I could say I did this everyday.  I am not there yet.  But more and more, as I get to know Him, I find that true peace comes from trusting and following Him and that all other areas of my life fall into place.
~I spend time connecting with my husband and growing our relationship, living each day walking with and carrying each other, by turns. I have learned so much about what selfless love is from this man.
~ Each day I try (whoops, sorry Yoda) to give a little more of myself than I did the day before to my children, snuggling and playing and laughing and praying with them, teaching them, watching them grow.
~ I have been blessed with some amazing, giving, wise women in my life and I cherish these friendships and strive to make time for them.
~ My mind and soul are fed through reading and writing - two things I don't give a lot of time to these days but I'm adding them to the "do" list because they really need to be there.
~ I am committed to my church family, thriving on the corporate worship and teaching and service and love I am able to give and receive there.  
~ I love for music to infiltrate my life: listening, singing, occasionally playing my violin.
~ And of course there are the have tos: buying groceries, changing diapers, paying bills, laundry/washing dishes/sweeping and vacuuming floors and generally trying to make sure our home is not a danger to our health, because my boys, God love 'em, would probably be pretty content with a bit more squalor than I'm comfortable with.

THINGS I DON'T DO:

~ I don't cook. Wait. Hold on. I "cook". I mean, I can't have anyone starving to death on my watch. But I am ready to let go of the perception that I am, or one day will be, good at it. (See above convo with the hubs). Mind you, I LOVE Food Network. And I will probably offer to make you a meal should you be in a situation where this would make your life easier. But I should ask my hubby first as he'll probably be cooking a good portion of it.

~ I don't keep perfect house either in cleanliness, clutter control, or decor. I'll admit to having a once a week cleaning day to exorcise my compulsion for cleanliness, eliminating dishes I've no doubt let pile up, spraying down a bathroom that by all rights should probably just be lit on fire and done with, and vacuuming up crumbs on a carpet that's a lost cause anyway.

~ I don't give much* of myself to people who are negative to a toxic degree or who suck me completely dry. I don't spend time with those who think I'm less of a person because I don't meet their standards or who just won't try to understand where I am in my life right now.  For example, the fact that I don't shower everyday or may go a week without wearing makeup. Also, my children are very important to me.  If they are too noisy or inconvenient for you right now, we'll probably be going our seperate ways.

~I do not have my children signed up in any and every activity that could conceivably be loved by a child. I would be lying if I said I didn't believe that because of this I have already stripped them of a future in professional sports.  But we've tried to give more precedence to just letting them be kids and spending time as a family.
~I do not landscape and barely garden. My husband helps me select things and plant them. I do my darndest to not let them die but this is a yearly crapshoot.

And what about those things that I WANT to do and for which I feel a passion but have not yet made time for? Like learning to play piano and guitar. Traveling. Perhaps one day fostering a passion for cooking. There are so many things that this life offers, and I can't possibly do them all and certainly not well. So I'll continue pondering these lists and (hopefully) living them out proudly.

* I wish I could say I give NONE of myself to these people, but I'm still working on that "no" muscle. :)

The Simple Life OR Nun Sightings

During recent visits to a Target store near my home I have noticed the same petite, elderly nun shuffling the aisles, the dull gray dress and habit lined with white giving her away. I watched her ahead of me in line one day making her purchases and the thought that immediately came to mind was "How simple her life must be". Her sole purpose in life is laid out clearly before her. Every morning no doubt begins with solitude and silence and probably ends the same way. The days routinely are divided into times of service, prayer, and apparently shopping at Target. (I should point out that I'm purely guessing at all this as everything I know about nuns I learned from the Sound of Music.) I think of how I race through my days and how much I've been grappling lately with how and where my time needs to be spent, a steady stream of guilt-ridden thoughts about where I should/shouldn't be plaguing me, the clutter and detritus of life strewn around me. How I would love to rise in the morning with no one needing me except my Savior. And to face the day without having to think about what to wear (and making this same decision for three others), what to eat, where to go.
Not long after these ponderings took place, I was driving along a four-lane road and was passed on the left by a red mini-van whose passengers were (take a guess)...nuns. This went so against my nun stereotypes (ie: Sound of Music) that I laughed out loud. And immediately realized that my perceptions of how simple the life of a nun is and how complicated my life is, is all a matter of perspective. Do nuns really have the potential to be more fulfilled than me? Would my life really be that much simpler? Clearly they still have decisions to make like which mini van to drive and what to buy at Target. I guess another glaring question here is was I really pondering life as a nun as one of the life choice paths I didn't take?
I do struggle lately with the idea of simplifying, as I always feel rushed/overwhelmed/burdened. But it is in the midst of all this that Christ calls me to come to him and find rest. Just because I don't live in a convent (is that what they call those anymore?) doesn't mean that my day can't begin and end in solitude or be filled with acts of service. I still have to decide what to wear, I guess, and I still awaken with the needs of my family immediately at hand. But even in this, hasn't God commanded me not to worry about what I will eat, drink, and wear? He has called me to be IN the world, not of it. And in the world there are decisions and distractions and people and activities vying for my time. But there is also relationship, beauty, joy, fulfillment. There is peace in the midst of chaos and contentment and wisdom if I will simply seek those things in the middle of it all. Which reminds me of this verse:
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:12-14
Maybe it really is simple. Though not easy.
Just some things a couple of nuns showed me.