A recent conversation in my home:
Me: I'm no good at cooking. I do not enjoy it.
Hubs: Why don't you just embrace this about yourself? I did a long time ago.
Me: silence. hearty laughter
It may sound like a cruel statement to the average listener, but it was actually very freeing for me to hear.
I allow myself to fall under the illusion that I have to be great at everything, particularly those gifts which many stay-at-home moms find themselves possessing, like cooking. Or having clean children. But I'm starting to realize the misery I've been inflicting on myself and those close to me as I strive to be perfect in areas that don't bring me any joy. While I claim to hold the belief that God has created each of us uniquely, I always find myself comparing me to others and coming up short, rather than exploring how He has actually made me.
On the heels of this conversation at home, I was directed to a book entitled
Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. In one section of the book, she deals with the "Things I Don't Do", quoting a friend who encouraged her by saying that it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.
This. Is sheer genius.
And so unbelievably hard to spell out. I don't like to feel like a failure, wimp, weakling, quitter. I have a really, really difficult time admitting that there are some things I just am not good at and don't enjoy. But I love this idea that by admitting and letting go of those things, I will have more room in my life for the things that bring me joy, that God created me to do and love.
And so, here are the lists I have been pondering:
THINGS I DO:
~ I regularly sit at the feet of my Savior, reading His word, talking to and listening to Him. I wish I could say I did this everyday. I am not there yet. But more and more, as I get to know Him, I find that true peace comes from trusting and following Him and that all other areas of my life fall into place.
~I spend time connecting with my husband and growing our relationship, living each day walking with and carrying each other, by turns. I have learned so much about what selfless love is from this man.
~ Each day I try (whoops, sorry Yoda) to give a little more of myself than I did the day before to my children, snuggling and playing and laughing and praying with them, teaching them, watching them grow.
~ I have been blessed with some amazing, giving, wise women in my life and I cherish these friendships and strive to make time for them.
~ My mind and soul are fed through reading and writing - two things I don't give a lot of time to these days but I'm adding them to the "do" list because they really need to be there.
~ I am committed to my church family, thriving on the corporate worship and teaching and service and love I am able to give and receive there.
~ I love for music to infiltrate my life: listening, singing, occasionally playing my violin.
~ And of course there are the have tos: buying groceries, changing diapers, paying bills, laundry/washing dishes/sweeping and vacuuming floors and generally trying to make sure our home is not a danger to our health, because my boys, God love 'em, would probably be pretty content with a bit more squalor than I'm comfortable with.
THINGS I DON'T DO:
~ I don't cook. Wait. Hold on. I "cook". I mean, I can't have anyone starving to death on my watch. But I am ready to let go of the perception that I am, or one day will be, good at it. (See above convo with the hubs). Mind you, I LOVE Food Network. And I will probably offer to make you a meal should you be in a situation where this would make your life easier. But I should ask my hubby first as he'll probably be cooking a good portion of it.
~ I don't keep perfect house either in cleanliness, clutter control, or decor. I'll admit to having a once a week cleaning day to exorcise my compulsion for cleanliness, eliminating dishes I've no doubt let pile up, spraying down a bathroom that by all rights should probably just be lit on fire and done with, and vacuuming up crumbs on a carpet that's a lost cause anyway.
~ I don't give much* of myself to people who are negative to a toxic degree or who suck me completely dry. I don't spend time with those who think I'm less of a person because I don't meet their standards or who just won't try to understand where I am in my life right now. For example, the fact that I don't shower everyday or may go a week without wearing makeup. Also, my children are very important to me. If they are too noisy or inconvenient for you right now, we'll probably be going our seperate ways.
~I do not have my children signed up in any and every activity that could conceivably be loved by a child. I would be lying if I said I didn't believe that because of this I have already stripped them of a future in professional sports. But we've tried to give more precedence to just letting them be kids and spending time as a family.
~I do not landscape and barely garden. My husband helps me select things and plant them. I do my darndest to not let them die but this is a yearly crapshoot.
And what about those things that I WANT to do and for which I feel a passion but have not yet made time for? Like learning to play piano and guitar. Traveling. Perhaps one day
fostering a passion for cooking. There are so many things that this life offers, and I can't possibly do them all and certainly not well. So I'll continue pondering these lists and (hopefully) living them out proudly.
* I wish I could say I give NONE of myself to these people, but I'm still working on that
"no" muscle. :)
