Caught in the Middle

For all my grumping and whining I truly do love being a mom. It has changed my life irrevocably. It has enlarged my heart, my world, my compassion, my perspective to no end. It has bonded me to my husband (and also to many mother-friends) to a degree I never knew existed. It has opened my realization to those corners of my life that I haven't really wanted to dust up and work on, and most importantly it has rocked my understanding of God as a loving Father. So though I have lost what stunning youth beauty I may have once possessed (Right. My idea of accessorizing has always been wearing shoes that match.) and am up to my ears in diapers, drool, tantrums, and toys I would not for one second count myself as anything but blessed and am so grateful that God has led me here. Sometimes, though, I do think about what is yet to come. My oldest child turns five next month, and I realize more than ever that time marches on, and I am starting to force myself to deal with the fact that my boys will grow up and away. Who will I be then? What new passion will fill my days when mothering is no longer my primary job description? I have lots of desires but little confidence regarding my ability where any of them are concerned: writing, reading, music, teaching. I can look back over my life thus far and see a partially-formed puzzle with lots of pieces still missing. I know without doubt God has used all of the experiences of my life thus far to make me who I am and to equip me for just the job I have now...and even for the ones to come. But I still feel a little caught in the middle. Of life as it was and life as it will be. Which, really, when I think about it, is not all that bad. Because the life I'm in right now is pretty great.