Adjustments

It has been a week of adjusting back to normality. And I do mean adjusting. For one thing, I definitely got spoiled having James off of work for a full week. For another thing, my pregnancy hormones, sickness rotating through my family, and being confined to my house every day but one this week have all conspired to make me lose my marbles, as well as my perspective. I have been playing the good mom/bad mom routine in my head with alarming frequency, if not constancy. All of my words, attitudes, actions are weighed on the scale of the good mom versus the bad, and the scales have been tipped far in favor of bad mommy. This has not been good for my self-esteem or confidence in this full time job I have and has therefore not been great for my kids either. I don't know what kicked off this self-sabatoging behavior, but it's GOT TO STOP! I have had so many "I can't do this anymore" moments this week it's not even funny. On more than one occasion I've stopped berating myself long enough to reassure me that I'm being crazy and way too hard on myself, but for whatever reason I don't believe me. And I get too prideful to admit it and ask for help too, sometimes even from my hubby. I have a newly realized fear (or maybe not so new, actually) of being a pest, a pain, a burden. I think it probably just all comes down to pride that I don't want to admit I'm struggling. I convince myself that everyone else has it all together and is doing just fine, which I also know is crazy. My breathing and heart rate have come down to a normal level, at least, as I've admitted this all in writing. I'm sure it also helps that the weekend is here, we have no pressing obligations for a whole day tomorrow, and James will be home with us. Maybe I can regroup and face the next week with a better grasp of reality.

Speaking of adjustments, my body continues to go through some as this little one progresses along. Heartburn has hit me something FIERCE, and I know (although it's painful to admit) that some serious food adjustments (there's THAT word again) will need to take place, so that I can begin to get some sleep again. Especially since I don't think Tums meets the recommended dietary allowance for calcium, really. Also, as predicted, my ice-crunching compulsion that has reared its ugly head in my past 2 pregnancies has hit at roughly the same time with this little bean: month 5. It's an odd thing and the only real craving I've had throughout my three pregnancies. It's also a bit embarrassing.

We gave the boys another trial run in sharing a room this past week. Up to this point, Ben has been relegated to the guest bedroom, which we have never given up as it is used so often with family coming through from out of town. Although he really could care less, I find that I feel badly for him that he doesn't have a "real" bedroom; rather, just a Pack 'n Play jammed into the corner of a spare room. With James's parents coming through and staying overnight this past weekend, I thought it would be a good time to re-try the arrangement. We had given it a go once Ben was sleeping through the night, earlier last year, but the boys had (and still have) their moments of waking up and needing to cry themselves back to sleep a little bit. Well, when one awakens in the night (or VERRRRY early morning) so does the other, and we found that to be true in this case as well. I had high hopes since they're both a little bit older, and admittedly, we did have some really cute brotherly moments to witness: laughing hysterically together one night at bedtime when Ben hadn't yet fallen asleep before Jeran came in. This grew considerably less cute after about 30 minutes, though. Also, Jeran, at first, loved having his little brother share his room, but when we moved Ben back into the guest room last night, I must admit he seemed relieved. Perhaps we can try again when they get even older. Better yet, perhaps we could move into a bigger house where everyone just has his own room.
Benjamin news: the kid is CRUISING. He can make his way, walking, around the perimeter of pretty much an entire room while holding onto things or people. It won't be long now.....and I haven't totally reconciled how I feel about it either way.
A few Jeranisms that catch our heart:
(saying good-night to Ben) - "Good-night, Minj (Benji's nickname). Love you in the mornin'!"
"I need some medicine (or cookies, or candy, or t.v., as the case may be) to feel me better, Mom."