You know you're getting old(er) when...

...whilst in a room full of teenagers you
A) don't understand half of what they're talking about,
B) are equal parts horrified and amused by the things you do understand, and
C) are a little relieved to never have to be 18 again.

Freedom

I've been struggling a great deal lately. Struggling with waking up motivated to face my life and tackle the day. Struggling to enjoy my children rather than just be exhausted by them. Struggling to focus on all the good God has placed in my life rather than on the inconveniences and challenges. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that I could choose a different line of thinking and a different perspective but having no energy to even be willing. I hate waking up in the morning and feeling almost as drained as I did the night before when I went to bed. I feel like a failure as a wife, a mom, a friend, and I feel like a fraud as a Christian. Shouldn't I be relying on God more as my strength? Shouldn't I trust Him to pull me through what is a tough, yes, but not impossible time of life? Isn't every other mom I have the privilege to know going through this? I'm certainly no exception to the rule. So why do I wallow in it? I feel like Satan has me completely bogged down, wrapped up in myself, full of confusion as to how to get out of my own head, completely incapable of seeing the bigger picture.
Yesterday morning I spent some time just crying out to God and seeking comfort from His word. (Took me long enough! It's these simple acts of rescue that don't even cross my mind when I'm so completely buried in the daily trenches; the most obvious courses of action just aren't obvious when you feel like all you're trying to do is survive.) Below are the verses He directed my attention to and some of the thoughts I had and wrote down as I read through them. And,though not immediately, I did find peace:



Psalm 62:1-2, 5-8, 11: "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. [at which point I wrote in the margin: But I DO feel shaken today, Lord! I just can't get it together!] Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. [I have a choice. I WILL NOT be shaken.] My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong and that you, O Lord, are loving."


Psalm 63:1, 3-8: "Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary [soooo weary] land where there is no water. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." [My focus needs to be on praising the Lord for who He is, not on what I'm not. I desire to find contentment in all he has done for/given me and to allow His hand to uphold me, not my abilities, plans, or unworthy substitutes.]

Ephesians 3:16-21: "I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. [Yes! God's Spirit DOES dwell in me! An endless wellspring of love and strength!] And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love [am I? IS that where I'm rooted? In Christ's love and in living a life of love out of gratitude to Him? Are all of my thoughts, words, actions, established in and out of His love?] "may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. [Empty me of myself! Fill me with You! How I desire to TRULY grasp the love of Christ for me.] Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen." [His power IS at work within me today.]


I still struggled yesterday, don't get me wrong, but not to the extent that I had been. I didn't feel SO weary, worn, and stretched thin. I found rest in the message of His words.

God had another message for me yesterday as well. After dropping JJ off at school I was driving toward the highway on a major route that passes our house and also, farther down the road, happens to pass a state penitentiary, so it's not uncommon to see DOC buses or vans passing by. This was the case yesterday. I happened to pass a van carrying a couple of inmates, made glaringly obvious by their neon yellow jumpsuits. It hit me as I drove past that I have been given immeasurable freedom. Freedom to wake up in my own bed each morning, to spend unlimited time with my children and husband every day. Freedom to be driving in my own car to meet up with friends. And beyond all of these glorious choices I'm given, even greater is that I am not trapped in a spiritual prison of hopelessness. I have been given the greatest gift of salvation through Christ Jesus. I have no cause to live in fear and despair; I have been set free. What a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I realized this!
The day to day is still going to bog me down. But I hope I can hang onto this renewed perspective and rest in the Lord, even when rest seems far from me.
I am choosing joy.

Wha's up

The fall decorations are up (ok, LIE. But I have it on my to-do list), the nights have turned cooler, there are sudden bursts of color already evident here and there, and the scent of fallish candles fills the house. I am excited for every change of season, but autumn is without question my favorite.

So what's going down in R-ville?

First off, my camera is finally fixed and returned!! Just in time for our Labor Day weekend camping trip with some of our favorite families from church. While the weather was a tad cooler than we would ideally like, and we experienced some heavy rain and wind the second night, it was overall a fantastic time! Campfires, laughs, yummy food, silly games, a time of Sunday morning reflection together, and just good times with friends. We already can't wait for next year!

Benj made friends with Mittens the dog, who was hereafter known as "My doggie" or "My Mittens".

LOTS of time for play and leisure!

Watching a kids vs. adults volleyball game and playing in the sand. He loved being able to just run wild with the other kids!

Kindergarten is in full swing for JJ. He and I both had to go through a period of adjustment these last couple of weeks. There were definitely nerves on both our parts. For awhile there, every morning brought with it protests of having to go to school. As he's made friends and learned the routine, however, that has happened less and less. I'm already amazed at what he has learned and am really happy with the teacher he has. I had been praying for just the right fit for his personality, and she seems to be it. I'm anxious for our parent-teacher conference in November to get the full scoop on how he spends his mornings.

Our sweet, mild-mannered Ben has apparently decided to fully embrace the terrible twos before he turns 3 in December. Somehow, my laid-back boy has disappeared and this growling, screaming, frustrated, red-faced whirling dervish has taken his place. Anything that doesn't go his way is cause for a meltdown. If we happen to need to be somewhere say, oh, before the turn of the next century and have to hurry along his attempts to "do it myself" we have a half-hour long fit on our hands. It's pretty unreal and pretty stressful. I have confidence that his sweetness will return so I'm just hanging on for the ride. On the upside he amazes me everyday at the things he IS able to do on his own and the patience he exhibits in making these attempts. While it's true he falls apart if we won't let him do something on his own, if we just give him the time he needs then he will make try after try to get it right and get it done. So I love to see that. He and JJ love to be together (although, honestly, I think Ben is a LITTLE relieved to have some alone time in the mornings now): wrestling, telling (non-sensical) jokes at the dinner table, using their imaginations, reading books, and hugging.

Grayson is firmly established as the family clown. He loves to laugh and make us laugh with him and can really be a total goofball. He has to do EVERYthing the older boys are doing whether that's playing outside, eating a lollipop, brushing his teeth, singing, running, or jabbering away telling stories. His personality is an interesting mix between Jeran and Ben. He has Jeran's non-stop energy (I mean NON.STOP. He's into absolutely everything all the time) combined with Ben's laid-backness, in the sense that he's pretty content with anything that's going on and will go with the flow. For the most part. He definitely has discovered he has a will of his own, even at only 17 months, and he works it out now and again.

As for the parental units of this brood, we are hanging in there. Life is a pretty wild and crazy ride right now. I won't lie: it's exhausting, it's chaotic, and there are a lot of times when all James and I can do at the end of the day is stare at each other blankly and wonder how we're going to do it all again tomorrow. Aside from parenting (and trying to do it well, no less) we are more and more involved with the new church we're a part of (which is officially off and running! More on that to come), not to mention trying to keep connected to one another and our family and friends. Our days are filled with lots of prayer for perseverance and guidance, and, despite what I may portray here at times, we do find joy in what God has given us during this season.

So that's some of the haps currently with us. What's new with u?

Sounds I will miss

~ My son pedaling his bike furiously down the sidewalk, making up a story or song along the way
~ The ice cream truck. Despite the fact that it emits an altogether annoying song and turns my kids into slobbering maniacs, it is a sound of summer.
~ Shouts of joy out my window
~ Wind chimes (as they sway slightly in summer breezes, not as they are whipped furiously by winter gales)
~ Birds
~ Mosquitoes. Kidding.
~ Splashing pool/lake water
~ Crashing waves along the beach
~ Wind rustling along a tent's canvas (er...waterproof breathable material. Whatever) over my head
~ Rain (hey, when it's rain or snow I will take rain...said the girl with no basement to be flooded)
~ My footsteps pounding the pavement during a morning run
~ Campfires crackling

School Days

We celebrated what I view as our last official day of summer today. This involved staying in pajamas until about 11:00, playing outside, and a post-nap visit to a splash park. Tomorrow Jeran begins kindergarten which he will be attending every morning at the school just around the corner from us. I underestimated, perhaps naively, the range of emotions it has evoked: excitement, both for him and myself (I love him, but he IS a taxing child); anticipation of all that he will learn this year; joy over the start of his school career; anxiety over how he will fare socially, academically, and emotionally; nervousness about whether he will succeed at sitting/listening/sharing/respecting; panic over the fact that I have no control over what happens in his classroom during the day (my sympathy and understanding to all the helicopter parents out there!) I also have what is probably the typical sense of how time is flying by and worries over whether I have prepared him enough for this step. Sitting in the Curriculum Night spiel last week Thursday and hearing how the kids will be reading by the end of the year, writing sentences, etc., I wondered whether I should have been doing more with him up to this point. But then a very wise friend pointed out that these are the things he will be LEARNING this year, and isn't that what his teacher is there for? True, true. It seems I already am getting caught up in the academic "competition" and wanting my kid to always have a leg up. Not that this idea is wrong or bad, but it's not something for me to be losing sleep over.
This milestone is another lesson for me in surrendering everything over to the Lord. Thinking I have control over anything is an illusion. Even though, yes, I have more direct input in his behavior and that of others in my home, the control rests fully in the Lord's hands either way. Through prayer, my anxiety (and it seems Jeran's as well - there have been some nerves about meeting new people and not knowing what to expect) is being alleviated. Once again I recognize that one day at a time is the wisest course of action, and when I lay down my plans, ideas, worries, then I am left with anticipation for all the ways in which Jeran (and I!) will grow this year and excitement for what's to come.

Camping 2010

raccoon friends~campfire bassoons~"tea bags"~lovin' on a lantern~pontoon cruisin' and sandbar hangin'~watermelon~tent texting~educational debates~prohibited swimming~lost keys~found keys...MIRACULOUSLY found keys~Christmas lights~Beersbie~killer food including, but not limited to, peanut butter cup s'mores~Strawberry Shortcake's cell~livening up the campfire crowd~reminiscing~coffee crises~bacon bi*ches~shared toothbrushes~late-night loo visit~skeeters and locusts~Tom's Donuts~fishin'~year 11, baby.

Colorado

There are few places where I sense God's presence as keenly as Colorado. No doubt the breathtaking majesty of His creation there wakes something up in me that the Great Plains just doesn't inspire. My grandparents have lived in the Denver area my entire life (with the exception of a brief stint they took in Montana - also awesome), so I've been visiting there every couple of years since I was born. With them moving near my parents this fall, one last trip was in order, so that's exactly what we did last week. Along with my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew, our party of 5 loaded up into an RV and hit the road west.

There was a bit of fear and trepidation about how our kiddos would travel, I won't lie. But they did AMAZINGLY well. My mom brilliantly brought along lots of new items to entertain the masses, and the boys' cousin, Liam, brought along lots of "new" things that helped keep Grayson entertained for the duration of the drive. We even made it through the entire first day without relying on the TV/DVD player (not from lack of trying, however. The outlets in the RV were funky, and we couldn't figure them out at first). The first day we drove to Omaha and crashed at a campground there, enjoying swimming, hot dogs, and s'mores. Our second day brought us to the foothills of the Rockies where my grandparents and aunt and uncle from New Mexico awaited us. We had a great evening reconnecting, and the boys of course immediately located great-grandma's toys.

The first day out we drove a few miles from my grandparents' house to Deer Creek Canyon because Jeran just couldn't stop talking about climbing a mountain. So we lunched at the picnic area there then did some exploring. It was HOT hot hot, so we kept it short, but the boys loved it.

Day 2 was our day to celebrate Grandma's 80th birthday. We started out in the morning with a family photo shoot, joined by my aunt and cousins who also live in the Denver area. My aunt and one of my cousins were in the midst of preparations to move to Ecuador where they will be living/working/schooling for the year, so we were really glad that our visit fell at a time before they left.

The Gunnink Fam

We lunched at a park near G and G's house which also happened to be the site of the Columbine memorial, so we took the opportunity to take a look at that and reflect. It was pretty powerful, and it's hard to believe that 11 years have passed since that nightmare unfolded.
After we had eaten and let the kids play themselves out we headed home, taking a detour to visit my uncle Paul's gravesite. Three years ago on the 30th of July he lost his battle with lung cancer; the last time we were in Colorado was actually for his memorial service. Going to the cemetary was a tough visit to make but also a good time to spend remembering him and the life of faith that he lived. It was the kids' first visit to a cemetary, so it also brought out an interesting line of questioning from Jeran.

In the evening on Tuesday we all trekked down to G and G's church for Grandma's birthday open house. It was a neat time of celebrating her, seeing other extended family members, and speaking with friends of my grandparents and hearing about the many lives they have touched during their years of ministry there (my grandpa is a retired minister). Following our celebrating we had some time at the house to just all hang out together and sadly had to also spend this time saying goodbye to my aunt and uncle who headed back to New Mexico the following morn.

Taken at Grandma's open house. Ben and my cousin Leesha really hit it off!

Our 3rd day of the trip was our day to head up into the mountains. This has always been one of my absolute favorite parts of our Colorado visits. Driving along the winding roads, taking in the awesome scenery, ending up at some small (or not-so-small) town or landmark in the mountains. We drove for about an hour to a state park in the mountains where we did a short hike (to feed Jeran's "climb a mountain" fix), followed by a drive to a panoramic lookout point, and ended up at a VERY cool but remotely located restaurant where we all had lunch (a restaurant which, incidentally, doubles has a hot night spot apparently and was located directly next to the drive-thru liquor joint. Sa-weet). My brother and sis-in-law took off in their rented car after we ate to do some camping in the mountains with just the 3 of them. We were really sad to see them go but were so glad for the time we got to spend with and grow closer to them on this trip. On the way back from the mountains we drove through some absolutely breathtaking areas and watched a rain storm track us almost all the way back to G and G's before catching up to us. One of only a very few times that we experienced rain on the trip.

Day 4 was our last day in town. One of the state parks has a "beach" (I have to use the quotes after experiencing Michigan's sandy shores), and our boys LOVE the water, so with another hot day granted us (and the beach being only 5 mins. from the Gp's) we spent some time playing lakeside. In the evening we said our good-byes to my aunt and cousins over dinner and then spent a few more hours hanging out as a fam.

Leaving CO, I fastened my eyes on the mountains until I could no longer discern if it was the peaks I was seeing or simply clouds. While it's melodramatic (me? Never!) to say that I'll NEVER see the mountains I love so much again, it probably won't be soon and certainly not as frequently as these first 30 years of my life. It was a wonderful time spent bonding with family, and I was particularly happy that my boys could get to know these people whom I love so much.

The trip home mirrored the trek out, with a stop overnight to camp. The boys once again did marvelously well and while it was with a slight air of sadness that we said farewell to our home on wheels, it was also reallllllly nice, as it usually is, to be home once again.