Awesome

For those of you who infrequently or never check my other blog, I'll post this here too. If you want to try to grasp the awesomeness of our Creator God, go to www.hubblesite.org and check out the picture gallery. Mind-blowing....

Saying good-bye and looking forward

Yesterday was both a hard and wonderful thing, as I find the funerals of Christians generally to be. Saying good-bye to Sherri, and even more than that, thinking about her family having to say good-bye and move on in life without her, was extremely emotional and difficult. But hearing about her life, people's remembrances of her, the ways she lived out her faith and showed Christ's love through use of her gifts, was, at the risk of using an inadequate word, inspiring. I was reminded at both her funeral and memorial service that all we are given by God here on earth is temporary, but it is a gift. Somehow I ALWAYS trick myself into thinking I have unlimited time. I've spent 31 years of life telling myself that. And what do I have to show for it? I know it's not about me, but I found myself wondering what people would have to say about me should my life on earth end today? And how would I feel standing before the Lord? Would He truly be able to say to me, "well done, good and faithful servant"? I saw many parallels between Sherri and my uncle Paul who passed away a year ago July, and I remember as we were saying our good-byes to him that I had many of these same thoughts. And for seem reason I feel like I'm really GETTING IT this time. Time will tell I suppose. I know that today, I am living in thankfulness to God for another day of life. I am thanking Him for my family and friends and above all His great love. I am asking Him to help me pursue holiness that I might be holy as He is holy, and that He would open my eyes to his awesomeness in this world. And I am vowing, like Sherri, like my uncle Paul, to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love my neighbor as myself.

While listening to my Ipod yesterday, a song by Mark Schultz came on, and I thought it was so fitting as I thought of how fully Sherri lived her life and at the same time questioned the future of mine. It has a BEAUTIFUL tune so just printing the words don't do justice. Maybe I can figure out how to publish it on here. Anyway, for now, these words....

What will you do with the time that’s left?
Will you live it all with no regret?
Will they say that you loved till your final breath?
What will you do with the time that’s left?

What will you do with the time that’s past?
Oh and all the pain that seems to last?
Can you give it to Jesus and not look back?
What will you do with the time that’s past?

What will He say when your time has come?
When He takes you into His arms of love?
With tears in His eyes will He say well done?
What will He say when your time has come?

Time marches on

Simple pleasures of the week (in no particular order): a clean house, $20 in gas filling my car to 3/4 of a tank, knowing I am loved and have many to love, health & strength/renewed energy, just to name a few.

God has reminded me through several different avenues to embrace blessings in my life daily. One of those avenues, unfortunately, comes through the death of a colleague at TCS. Her battle with cancer began less than 2 months ago (at least from a diagnosis standpoint) and ended around 12:30a.m. Tuesday morning. She was an absolutely amazing teacher, mother, friend, and above all, follower of God. Her role at Timothy was as our Discovery Center teacher, offering support to struggling students and those with varying difficulties in learning, and the love that she daily poured into her kids, as well as her willingness to constantly be their advocate, was a blessing to witness. I had 2 of her children while a teacher so got to know her as a mom too. She leaves behind 4 incredible kids and a husband, as well as countless extended family and friends, who have been touched by her life lived in faith and will no doubt carry that on. Tomorrow is her funeral as well as a memorial service. It will be a terribly hard thing but I also look forward to the celebration it will be of her life and her arrival to her heavenly home.

To remark on the simple goings-on of our life in the past few weeks seems almost wrong in light of this news, but I was reminded by a wise woman in my life (you know who you are, Robyn Lynn) :-) to embrace these simple blessings, recognizing that we are on borrowed time here anyway, and all that I have for today is God's gift to be enjoyed. With that said, here's what's up. James continues to study for his CFP exam which will take place next week Friday and Saturday, so if and when he pops in to your mind in the next week, please say a prayer for him. He's not feeling too confident at this point, even though I feel very confident that he will do well. He's been studying like crazy and is a very good test-taker, not to mention he's had 10-plus years of experience with a lot of this stuff, so I would say the odds are in his favor. However, that all doesn't diminish the fact that he's feeling pretty nervous about the whole deal.

On Monday baby and I had another check-up at the doc. Everything looks A-OK, and next month I have my ultrasound. I am VERY torn about discovering this baby's gender. With Ben and JJ we found out, but with this baby most likely being our last, I would kind of like the experience of being surprised at the very end. Plus, if I'm being brutally honest, I would REALLY like to add a girl to our mix, and I really think if we find out next month that we'll be having boy #3, I'll be tempted over the last 5 months to kind of wallow in my sadness of not having any girls. If I do have another boy, and I find this out as he's placed in my arms, I don't see there being a problem (ok, maybe a FLEETING moment of sadness). James really would like to find out with this baby, so we're going to have to see if we can meet in the middle somehow. I am feeling great these days. No more nausea, and my energy is pretty much back at its normal level (running after 2 busy boys, notwithstanding).

Below are a few Halloween pics from our Michigan weekend. We had a great time trick or treating with our friends Kristen, Emma, and Kaylie, who were all really good sports about the fact that we could only go out at 4:00, and apparently in michigan this is unheard of. In Illinois kids are barely off the school bus before the fun begins. Poor Kristen got razzed by almost every neighbor. She was great about it. Jeran had a FABULOUS time and has already been asking to go again. How to explain "next year" to a three-and-a-half year old....

After our trick-or-treating excursion, with far more treating than tricks, we stopped by my grandpa and grandma Berghoef's. It was fun to show them off to the boys and allow them some rare time with the great-grandsons.

We ended the evening at my brother and sister-in-law's where we feasted on KFC and watched Jeran go through his loot. A great time had by all!

Political Hoo-ha: in other words blah blah blah

I have kept quite mum about politics throughout the entire campaigning season, so I beg you, now that I am "coming out" with my baggage after the votes have been tallied, do not take this as me being a sore loser. Yes, that's right, I was a McCain/Palin supporter. There, it's out. But the following sentences/paragraphs/[hopefully not] pages really, truly do not reflect my personal feelings on the election outcome. I can see the draw to Obama. He is an amazing speaker and an inspirational individual. And we CERTAINLY need those people in the world who inspire change. But see, that's where I get hung up. "Change" was the crux of his campaign, and it's gotten people all hopped up and ecstatic like they're on some sort of acid-induced high. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself...I don't think. But I am troubled, first of all, by the position to which so many millions of people have elevated this human, fallible man that should only be occupied by God - that of a savior. I feel that, starting especially with the Democratic National Convention, people were crazed with worship for him. And, quite honestly, though on a somewhat smaller scale, this came about for McCain and (perhaps moreso) Palin as well. True and lasting change, on many levels, is what we all desire, no doubt about that. But, I'm sorry, it's not going to come through a senator from Illinois. OR Arizona for that matter. In the end, we will no doubt be impressed and reassured by some of President-elect Obama's decisions, and sorely disappointed by many others. We're human. We let each other down. But I don't feel that most, if not all, Obama supporters leave any room for this possibility. He is savior, as I said.
Let's go back to that term "change". The second issue I am troubled by is that I get the sense the majority (clearly) of the U.S. is ecstatic and relieved that Obama will become our president in January, but I also get the sense that they're sitting back, waiting and watching for that change they can believe in to happen. Like, "Ok, dude, go for it. Deliver." Ummmmm...one man trying to lead a crippled government is not going to come through on that, folks. Do we truly realize that authentic change begins with us on an individual level? For example, the economy has fallen into a mass of smoking rubble. But what about you? What about ME? Am I or have I lived my life too reliant on credit so I can have things that I really can't afford? Am I living beyond my means? Where is my treasure? The government, banks, and companies didn't do this all on their own. It starts with our decisions on an individual level. How about the environment and fuel crisis? Sure, there are major steps needed to fix the problems, but what am I doing to be a responsible steward and heal/conserve what's left? WHat about war? Am I praying for peace and enacting it in my own life?
Now, to be fair, perhaps a significant contribution that Obama will make during his presidency is to not just be an inspirational speaker but inspire people to ACT. That would most certainly be a step in the right direction. Time will tell...
In the meantime, we must support our leaders, including the new president-elect, and we definitely need to be in prayer for him. But I would caution each of us to leave the fulfillment of the "God" role to....well...God.

Another observation

Here's another observation I've made about my new job which I think explains that, while I am so thankful to be at home, I'm having a hard time adjusting/finding balance, etc. This is a 24/7 job. I didn't hear anyone gasping in shock and realization. It's not really an amazing new fact to me either, but I just never really thought about how taxing of a thing that is until recent days. You don't ever get a break (which is not an entirely fair thing to say since James is a very hands-on dad and so helpful when he's home. But the fact remains, when I'm at home too I'm still dealing with it to some degree - day and night). It's stressful in a different way than when I was teaching and being a mom. Then at least I had some variety and was able to transition from one thing to the other. The stress came from trying to accomplish all of the various tasks in a timely matter - caring for kids and their needs both at home and school. And believe me, I don't miss that kind of stress. Now the stress comes from never transitioning but always being the mom. And I don't hate that - I don't want to gripe and give the impression that I don't love my kids or don't appreciate the blessings they bring to my life. I guess I'm just still getting used to this new role and the fact that it's CONSTANT. It's new for me. Except for a few months here and there, I've never been just a full time mom in the three-and-a-half years that I've had kids. And when teaching things were always in flux - there was always some sort of new thing going on. I guess I just need to look a little harder to see that happening in my life. Or work a little harder to add that variety myself. I don't know if I'm even making any sense. Just venting here...
More to come on our Michigan weekend, especially Halloween, when I can get home and upload some pics.

Work and Play

Full time parenthood has brought to light a harsh realization for me. I no longer know how to play. It's just not second nature the way I last remember it being. I cringe enormously to admit this, but when I hear Jeran say to me, "Wanna play with me, Mom?" my heart kind of sinks. And this makes me feel like an absolutely horrendous parent. I find that I struggle to keep building train tracks and making up adventures for Thomas and Percy to have upon them. I don't seem to be able to muster up the energy for hide and seek (such as it is with Jeran; it usually consists of him telling me exactly where to hide and then counting to 10 WHILE he comes looking). Building zoos and parking lots out of blocks lost its luster after the completion of the first construction project. I don't feel like I am capable of finding new ways to engage and entertain my boys either. Not that the goal of every day for me should be to entertain them; I want them to be able to do that on their own too. But I don't think it's right that NO part of my day is devoted to that either. Is it possible all of my zest for fun as well as creativity was sucked out during my seven years of teaching? Has adulthood inundated my personality to such a degree that I can't find joy in spending time with my son in the ways that he loves? I keep reminding myself that in the blink of an eye he will be in high school, and (Lord forbid) the last person he will probably want to spend time with is me. You'd think that would light a little fire under me, wouldn't you?
My basic problem is I am having a hard time finding balance. I see all of the things that must be done (keeping us fed), should be done (cleaning the house), and that I want to be done (reading, blogging, playing) and I get the priority all mixed up. Yesterday I was cleaning the house, packing for Michigan, finishing laundry... all shoulds, for the most part. And when Jeran would ask to play I would brush him aside, convincing myself that everything I was doing at the moment was a must. The problem is, everyday what I want becomes the must. I can't seem to find it within myself to slow down and look at what's truly important. Shouldn't spending time with my boys be a must? Cleaning the house a "want to"? (riiiiiight) As my own boss now it's difficult to prioritize and execute the tasks in my and my family's life. And I'm starting to suffer huge amounts of guilt while mentally berating myself, yet I can't seem to find the willpower to change.
I know that the biggest priority in my life suffers the most - the amount of time I spend with the Lord on a daily basis. It's obvious when I step back and look at it. Of course my priorities would be in a shambles when I don't have first things in order first. Sigh. And the rollercoaster continues...

News

Oh my - what an embarrassingly delayed update of Louwerse life. What few readers we had have probably moved on to greener pastures of reading material.

The boys and I continue to enjoy life at home. Everyday, I still thank God for this opportunity our family has for a less hectic pace of life, even after days like we've had this week, where it seems our 3 1/2 year old fights us on EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING. Frustrating. I keep telling myself that someday a strong will could be a very good thing for him in this world. But right now it just gives me headaches - multiple ones daily. Anyway... I am still on the lookout for some part time work (no, not in order to get away from the tantrums and fits, although that's a bit of a perk), and in the meantime God fully provides for our needs and gives us many rewarding ways to fill our days.

A big event in our last few weeks was James and Jeran's appearance in a wedding. Our good friends, Steve (who James has known since elementary school) and Cindy, tied the knot, with James as a groomsman and Jeran as ring bearer. Photos of this are or will soon be up on Facebook or sent out through Ofoto, so you can get more of a photo documentary there, but the very short story is that Jeran (well, AND James for that matter - haha) did great through the picture-taking and walking down of the aisle, which were the 2 things we were most concerned about (for Jeran, not James). For the time being, here is a teaser photo of our little studmuffin.

While Ben was not involved in any nuptials recently, he has been busy nevertheless. Within the last week he has sprouted his 6th and 7th teeth, started crawling (army style but with one gimpy leg), and feeding himself finger foods (previously he would just sit with his mouth hanging open, waiting for us to insert his next bite). Another step in this 10-month-old's determination to grow up.

Last week our family had the opportunity for another extended Michigan trip. James is gearing up to take his CFP (Certified Financial Planner) exam in November. It's a biggie. For those of you in the medical field, think boards. To this end, James took a review class for this test at Grand Valley State Univ., which has a campus 3 minutes from my parents' house. The downside to this? Four brutally long days (Wed. - Sat., 8 - 5) of reviewing and practice testing. The upside? He feels it was beneficial, and the alternative here in Chicago would have been a week-long class that included a commute to downtown Chicago each day. We had a wonderful time with family and friends (although we still couldn't quite seem to fit all of you in, and we missed seeing Grandpa and Grandma Louwerse who were gone on a serve trip to Indiana). One of the highlights was a Saturday trip with Nana to Crane's Apple Orchard. We didn't ACTUALLY end up picking any apples, but we braved a wonderful lunch in the restaurant with the 2 boys, watched J.J. have the time of his life on the "Cow Train" and purchased some delicious apples, cider donuts, and dumplings to take home with us.

I suppose we've saved the biggest news for last to report on here. As you've probably already heard we are pregnant for the third (and, most likely, final) time. Although I have a pretty solid working knowledge of how babies are made, I still find myself shocked that this has happened. We've had a couple of months for the news to sink in before we went public with it, but the primary feeling, unfortunately, is still one of being overwhelmed, mostly with the thought that my latter two children will only be 17 months apart. Somehow, one child seemed fair for two parents, two has proven to be a bit of an uneven match, so I can't imagine what 3 is going to feel like. However, I can say that after my first doctor appointment this past Monday and having the opportunity to hear the baby's heartbeat, I find myself at a slightly greater degree of peace about the whole situation. I have also received much encouragement from family and friends, so thanks you guys. We know that it takes a village to raise a child - so count on us calling you in for back-up.

This pregnancy has been significantly rougher than the previous two. I have been much more nauseous, exhausted (no doubt in part to caring for two busy boys), and emotional, and I have a feeling that once I start feeling normal (which, for those of you who know me well, will find that descriptor relative as well as debatable) I will find myself relishing this pregnancy and looking forward to meeting our third baby. We're not sure yet what will get James to that point, but to his credit he has taken the news far more calmly than me, and has been a real hero in this house the past couple of months. We would be living in starvation and squalor if not for his care of our family.

So, that's our update, a month or so late. As I start to feel more myself I hope to keep up a little better with our happenings.