Baby boy

It's amazing, but after five years and three kids I still have moments of mind-blowing realization that I'm a mom. I'm somebody's MOM. How did this happen? (Ok, well, I know HOW it happened.) There are countless challenges but also so many precious moments in the midst of motherhood. One of those was yesterday, my baby boy turning one. The last kid (Lord willing) so I find his milestones much more bittersweet than with my first two. While it is incredible and thrilling to watch him creep, explore, laugh hysterically at his brothers, eat bigger and better things, and start to get the hang of this whole standing up and moving his feet thing, I also feel some sadness at his ever increasing independence (and that of JJ and Ben), knowing that my boys are growing up and, eventually, away. I am trying to be more conscious of the passing of time and more stingy about wishing it away. I read a great article about living your life fully in each moment and not letting the multitasking, the planning, the virtual reality detract from what's happening to and around you now. I SO often do that. I'm so set on getting my agenda done, crossing off the items on my list, and looking to what's ahead that I'm not really present in my own life. And in that spirit, my boys are munching popcorn and watching cartoons (or munching Cheerios and watching the ceiling fan, depending on developmental ability). So I think I'll go and enjoy this fleeting moment in our lives with them.

Spring has been treating us well over here at the Louwerse homestead though we've found ourselves increasingly busy as school and our various other activities start to wind down. We got Jeran signed up for kindergarten last week and that, alone, is blowing my mind as I start to think ahead to preparing him for that transition. Summer doesn't show any signs of slowing down which is bittersweet. We have SO many amazing things planned, but I just know it will fly by. There's the pessimistic part of me rearing it's ugly head. One day at a time, lady, one day at a time! As we continue on full steam ahead, I will leave you with some photos of my darlings.

Coming Out

My love affair with food is something that started out as what could probably be described as harmless but has grown into something obsessive, out-of-control, and just plain wrong. I've never had to watch my weight, and somehow this has become an excuse to eat whatever I want. And I do mean, whatEVER I want. Things that defy logic and reason. Orders of loaded nachos that were originally designed for a party of three. Portion sizes and helpings that would make large men cry with discomfort. Late night snacks that would probably feed a small, third-world village if they weren't so repulsively unhealthy. I've always known that how I relate to food is slightly unbalanced, but I have finally started admitting to myself that I don't eat to live. I LIVE to eat. I'll be eating a perfectly great meal and dreaming ahead to the next one, wondering what I'll be having then. My moods are often hinged on what kinds of goodies will find their way onto my palate in the hours ahead. Entire days will go by without a fruit or vegetable or anything, really, with any sort of nutritional value, passing my lips. I'll recount my liquid intake at the close of a day and realize that coffee and Coke have been the only things I've guzzled in the past 24 hours. And condiments. Mmmm, condiments. Oh, the condiments.
Food has, without doubt, become my idol in life. The intense level of mental, emotional, and physical energy that goes into something that should be so simple is frightening to me. It's an example of something that sin has gone and distorted, made unnatural. God created this amazing work of art, my body, to process and be fueled by some pretty amazing natural creations (we can call Cheetos natural creations, right?), and I know His design wasn't for my love and affections to be placed on His creation rather than Him, the Creator. And as I see my kids starting to adopt some of my eating habits, I cringe and finally see the need (and, beyond that, feel READY for) a lasting change.
Yesterday morning, some girlfriends and I discovered that we're all pretty much in this same boat: unhealthy relationships with food, readiness to change. So we formed a little support group for each other and have decided to set six-week-long goals as baby steps to changing our habits and lifestyle. We're trying to keep each other accountable and will celebrate our victories together (because I am CONFIDENT there will be victories!). So for this first six weeks my baby steps are:
1) Drink 64 oz. of water a day.
2) No more after-dinner snacking (you'll be happy to know I pulled the Crunch 'n Munch out at 10:00 last night, remembered this goal, then promptly put it back).
3) Exercise 4 times a week.

And perhaps you can give me some accountability too, now that I have spewed out my closeted skeletons to you, dear cyberspace friends. If you see me going up for that third or fourth helping, debating ordering that Big Mac versus, well, pretty much ANYTHING else, you can just lean over and whisper a little code word as a reminder. We'll make it...."condiments".

Here Comes the Sun

Whether it's literal or figurative, spring is a time for emerging from dark caves. I'm no polar bear, so I'd say I'm dealing more in the figurative sense. While this winter was a bit easier than the previous couple, it was still a bit of a dark time mentally. Everything is colored in shades of gray and that includes my mental attitude. So it really does feel like coming out into the world once more with spring's arrival. I can tell, too, that my senses have been just starved for spring: the riot of colors, scents, and sounds that the deadness of winter just doesn't allow. I can't wait for that first day when I notice the explosion of green on the trees.

We've been taking advantage of this a-maz-ing weather by getting outside as much as possible. Generally this means the boys go out in the backyard and roll around in the dirt. Several times a day. My bathtub's dirt-ring is approaching legendary status. There have also been visits to the park, walks to the library, ball-playing, ice-cream buying, and last week we made it to the Morton Arboretum (on discount Wednesday during everyone else's spring break week. MOBBED! But still fun). Next week Jeran has spring break from school which, sadly, won't amount to much since he goes to school in the afternoons and the other boys need to nap at that time. But it does mean we'll have lots of fun morning outings with no pressure to get him anywhere on time (not that "on time" is a phrase that usually describes our family anyway).

In other news: Jeran now owns his very own bike thanks to Papa and Nana's birthday gift.

Stop. Don't even think it. Oh my word - you just thought it! I know you did! Something along the lines of: Your FIVE-year-old is JUST getting a bike?????!!!! (This is roughly the same thing that JJ's doctor said at his five-year check-up a few weeks back. With slightly more tact and slightly less dramatics.) I really have no excuse for the fact that my child only now owns and is learning to ride a bike except that he's never expressed interest, so we never really pursued it. For some reason this summer we are all sorts of motivated to really be outdoors as a family and do some of these things (like bike-riding) that we haven't before. I know this has a lot to do with our kids getting older. It also has something to do with the whole physical fitness kick James and I find ourselves on lately. Something about being smack in the 30s is finally lighting a fire under our pathetically out-of-shape behinds. It has gotten really old to feel as sluggish as we often do, so we've started to slooooowly make some changes to our eating habits and activity levels (which, I should add, is really easy to do when you're starting from practically nil). One area of exercise we've found that we both enjoy is yoga. Not the whole sit-cross-legged-and-chant portion of the event, but the gaining-flexibility-and-strength area. James, especially, has had a lot of issues with his back since a major car accident several years ago, and he finds this helps decrease the pain he has. So we've gotten some yoga DVDs from the library in order to embarrass ourselves initially in the privacy of our own home. It has certainly been an exercise in hilarity.

I have also found myself compelled to RUN. Gulp. Yes, run. This is more in the "thinking about it with good intentions" stage, but it's there, nevertheless. I can think of only one other time in my life when I have wanted to run, and it had everything to do with a very motivated, energetic friend and mass quantities of extra time on my hands. So we'll see where these fitness aspirations actually lead.

In news of the friendship sort, a couple of weeks ago we had a visit from our close friends, Russ and Jess and their adorable offspring (two boys ages 3 and 1 - we love boys!). When I say close I do not mean geographically. Philly, PA stole them away from us about 6 years ago, but their newest address is in NY state. What I love most about these two is that EVERY single time we are together it's as if we saw one another just last week. It truly feels like no time has passed at all, and we pick up right where we left off: the laughter, the conversation both silly and deep, and the ability to just kick back and be completely 100% ourselves. Of course this means that every time we part ways again my sadness lingers a little longer. But I'm looking ahead to years of fun that our families will share, and it was great this time to watch our kids start getting to know one another, particularly as we've been sharing this journey of parenthood across the miles.

JUMPING on the air mattress is so much more fun than SLEEPING on it!

Grayson and Jude getting acquainted. HOW CUTE ARE THEY??

Who WOULDN'T bond over ice cream and Wii?

And now we've come to the best news of all: Easter is here, and I am officially reminded of what my Savior has done for me and what gives me cause for even greater joy than the sun that fills our days. And that is the love and mercy God pours out upon me, and the hope of an even brighter future.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans. 5:8

Hallelujah and Happy Easter!