Hormonally speaking, I'm about done in. I have been all OVER the map just in the past 24 hours. Sparing many gruesome details, I'll just give you some highlights (and lowlights):
- My fabulous friend, Trudy, took Jeran and Ben for the day yesterday, giving me a wonderful break from juggling the needs (usually urgent and usually simulataneous) of 3 children. Emotions: euphoria, glee, relief
- My mom came in for another visit. Emotions: excitement, relief (again), and sadness (because she left again after just 24 hours)
- James had a meeting at church last night, not arriving home until 9:30ish, then proceeded to tell me he's leaving at the crack of dawn today; add to this the fact that he will be at a conference downtown Thursday and Friday (again, warranting an early departure and late arrival) and you have me experiencing: despair, anxiety, rage
- Grayson, while not ratcheted up to "colicky" in my book, has certainly made it to the "crabby/ fussy" page. While I realize this happens to many babies and will most certainly end within a few weeks, I still find myself: frustrated, enraged, depressed (particularly since it can and has hit at any time of the day and/or night).
-Feelings of isolation and loneliness just by nature of geography. The suburbs are killer that way.
The whole fussy baby thing is really throwing me for a loop. Yesterday it lasted throughout the morning, broke for the afternoon (thank goodness), and returned with a vengeance for, oh, 5 hours or so last night. It's SO INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING not to know what the problem is. For one thing, he seems constantly hungry. I try to hold him off for at least 2 hours, but there are times when he seems to be rooting 4 minutes after being off the breast. IF there is anything that calms him down, it's different everytime. Sometimes it's more nursing or a bottle, sometimes it's the pacifier, sometimes it's the way we hold him, sometimes it's the swing or bouncy seat. It's never the same remedy twice in a row. It's exhausting and gives me a couple more emotions to grapple with: empathy for parents who have dealt with colic (I'm praying we don't reach that level, although maybe that's really where we are and I just don't realize it. Enter more panic) and dread for the weeks to come.
I also find myself continuing to deal with mom guilt. It's one of satan's greatest tools against me. I find so much self-doubt within myself about successfully parenting 3 boys. I beat myself up about discipline issues and how much time I spend with my boys (or don't), about not being the fun mom they deserve and about the spiritual training they are (or are not in many cases) receiving from me.
Anyway, like I said. Not a great time for me emotionally. I wouldn't place myself on the full-blown postpartum depression scale quite yet, but I'm definitely having some battles with my hormones & not finding the ability to find much wit and humor in the whole thing. Sorry to be Debbie Downer today (wah wah). :-) (Ok that does bring a slight smile to my face because I love that SNL skit.)
2 comments:
I am completely there with you on all accounts! First- I'm so excited b/c I didn't know you had a new blog! Second- Jude would probably give Grayson a run for his money with his crankiness and lack of consistency in what he wants other than the boob.... which I am not becoming a human pacifier for... then I feel guilty... then I feel angry for feeling guilty so I become adamantly justified and stubborn... and the cycle of emotions continues so fear not my dear Julie- as you are not alone! Love and miss you! Wish we could just hang- let our boys run wild- breastfeed- and have a beer all at once!
Hey Jewels, I finally figured out to read your blog after hearing hints of your frustrations on FB. Don't you wish there was an epidural after the actual birthing to turn off all that 'pain' that follows? Know that I hear you and feel you when you speak, I remember having to deal with those same issues-and working full time the next morning and coming home to a night of sleeplessness. I wish you were closer- i would scoop them up for you anytime my friend. Crap we'd just lock all of our kids in a room and we'll go out for drinks. :) I luv u - keep venting it's healthier than keeping it in..
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