Abundant Life

I heard this song today, and it stopped me in my tracks. (By the way, hi. It's only been a year or so.)

Initially I wasn't sure why I was so compelled to drop everything and put this song on repeat. Something about it was speaking to me in a very deep place. I don't necessarily consider myself or my family one who strives for the "American Dream", yet I related so strongly to references in the song: "breathing but asleep", "don't let the devil bury me alive", "don't let the suburbs kill my heart and soul". As much as we try to fight it, our culture is on a quickly downward spiraling path of chasing things that just don't matter. I've felt it, as much as I think I'm above such things. My soul has gone through periods of starvation this past year because I too often choose the path of ease and convenience, wants and desires. I bury myself in material comforts and control and fleeting pleasures. And that's not really living.
Here's another thing. I'm really done with suburban living. Oddly, with all of its people and activity, it's a really isolating way to live. All the pieces of my life are so disjointed and spread out and even with all my incredible friends and church and school, there still seems to be a sense of community missing. And there's the relentless quest for "more" that just seems built into our DNA.  I've had bouts of depression where I feel like the suburbs are killing my heart and soul and that I'm breathing but asleep.
Another thing about the past year is that it has been such a waiting period. I've felt God calling me to be still (heh, heh - still working on that one) and to just wait and see what he has coming. To pursue contentment and learn how to just be where I am. To learn how to just be. And I think I made some strides toward that end. At the start of this year, I sensed God calling me to focus more on surrender in my life. Yeah, I've been there before, Big Guy! It didn't go so well, did it? But this year has been different. There are definitely changes in the works.  Not the least of which is this little guy/girl:

It's taken me awhile to surrender my plans for the future on this one. Next fall the boys will all be in school, and it was time for a new chapter, perhaps some more freedom. And now instead I'll be headed back to the land of diapers and naps. But, as God has clearly pointed out to me the last couple of months, I'm also going back to the land of baby scent, cuddles, growing and birthing a miraculous little life. And we're excited for this new chapter, though it might not have been the one we envisioned. 

There are other new things in the works that we didn't see coming at the end of 2013, and I find myself back in the waiting period giving up my control over and over again. And there's a strange peace in that. In surrender. I want to truly discover abundant life this year. To be still. To simplify. To just "live in the mess" as a wise soul recently told me and give up the illusion of perfectionism and the idea that all my ducks will EVER be in a row. To stop running and chasing after the things that don't matter. And to just wait and see where God takes us next on this crazy journey.  

I Can't Believe I Just Did That

If you would have told me a year ago to endure 30 days without a single processed food, ounce of sugar, grain or dairy product, or alcoholic beverage I probably would have punched you in the face. And now, to have arrived at the end of just such a journey, to have accomplished HEALTHY EATING - ME! - it is an amazing feeling. By and large, I would say that it has become second nature to have this as my primary way of eating.  I can't imagine ever skipping breakfast again or making drive-thru's my go-to.
How I've benefited:
My energy: I am no longer wilting after lunch, ready to just curl up and nap the rest of the day away. I also sleep more soundly and less restlessly at night (when my kids aren't waking me up, that is) and find it SLIGHTLY easier to awaken in the morning (though I can't say I'll ever be a full-fledged morning person).
My mood: I have always been kind of a moody person, with big ups and downs and a fair amount of melancholy. These days I feel much happier (and my husband has even commented on this as a change he's noticed) more of the time.
My body: While I've never struggled with weight issues, I was working on a healthy muffin top pre-Whole 30, which is now virtually non-existent.  I can feel around my waist that there has been some shrinkage. (I wish I had taken the before pictures to prove it). I feel overall HEALTHY, for I think the first time in my life.
Peace of mind: knowing that I am doing something great for my body and brain and treating it, I believe, as God probably originally intended. With good food.
Food doesn't control me: I've learned that I CAN, in fact, say no, and this is huge. Before I always just gave in to the cravings no matter what. I felt I had no control, no willpower. I now know that part of this is the way those crappy foods are designed - to keep us wanting more. But 30 days of good food choices have proven that I am the one in control of what goes into my maw. This outcome made even the hardest of moments SO incredibly worth it.

Where I struggled:
There's a lot of cooking.  And dish washing. And cooking.  And dish washing.  This was tough. And I don't have a full time job outside the home. And I DO have a husband who cooks.  Yikes - so what can I say if you're a single mom or working full time? COOK AHEAD! I have three boys who are a full time job, and my husband is gone a lot these days, so those were not sure-fire answers to the constant cooking conundrum (alliteration nerd!). But by cooking and prepping ahead (taking an afternoon or evening on the weekend) the weeks were MUCH easier to bear. And I will say that dishes ain't no thang anymore and that I like cooking a little better than I did before.

Sticking to organic/grass-fed/pastured, etc.  That's expensive stuff, peeps. I was lucky to have some meat resources that made good meat a little less painful to come by, but there were a couple times I paid $20 for two pounds of chicken and it made me a little ill.

Fighting the urge to snack.  I still have this in my system a bit, even though 90% of the time I was just sticking to three meals a day with no "snacks".

Success in my Whole 30 goals. (See this post)   I still averaged about six hours of sleep a night most nights. Staying up too late doing things other than cooking and washing dishes, I guess. I did not reach the five-days-a-week that I was hoping to as far as developing greater spiritual rhythms in my life. And I did too much reading or Facebook checking during my lunches.



What did I miss the most?  cheese, ice cream, and alcohol

Missed least - bread/grain products and white potatoes. As a Dutchie, I NEVER ever thought I'd say that.

So what now?
Going forward I'm going to keep this as primarily my way of eating. I'm going to do a little experiment over the next ten days, as recommended by the authors of the book, to start slowly building foods back in and see how my body and mood responds to those things. I start with....DAIRY!!!  Had a little cheese on my stuffed acorn squash this morning. It was great, but I would have enjoyed it just as much without I think. Huh.  Weird.
I'm still pondering how much of this to build into the lives of my kids. It's going to take baby steps but changes definitely need to be made sooner rather than later.  We leave on a two week long vacation tomorrow, so probably I won't be doing anything too drastic during that time.

A few last meals to share:

http://www.eatingforidiots.com/paleo-chicken-tostadas-rancheros/ - these were really good but our plantain tostadas ended up a little burnt and chewy. Something we would definitely try again though.

For lunch this entire week I did a little riff on eggplant parm. Without the parm. Obviously. I broiled eggplant slices and then topped them with pork sausage patties.  I placed these stacks on fresh spinach and then topped the whole thing with a Trader Joe's approved marinara. Super duper yummy.  As evidenced by the fact that I ate it all. week. 

Breakfast for this week was a little hash the ingredients for which I saw on one of the Whole 30 forums. Sauteed in a pan were red onion, apples sprinkled with some cinnamon, sweet potatoes, some kale, and shredded cooked chicken, then I seasoned with paprika and sea salt.  Oh and there were mushrooms.  Because mushrooms make so many good things even better. I topped this all with a poached egg. A-mazing.

So that wraps up this installment of "What crazy program is Julie getting on board with now?!" 
Wow.
I can't believe I just did that.
But I'm SOO glad I did.

Jinxed

Yeeeeaaaaaaah.
Remember how I was all, "There's no food I really miss and blah blah blah blah".  The day following that statement my body and brain proved it to be utter crap. I took a huge dive into the land of the food doldrums. Or, as the Whole 30 program calls it - "Kill All the Things". Most of last week was spent feeling depressed about all the things I "can't" eat and loathing everything I can. I began to obsess again about food, especially crappy things. The cravings reared their ugly little heads with a vengeance, and I will admit I had a couple of tiny cheats.  One involved a single solitary piece of cheese popcorn from my sons' bowl of Chicago Mix. The other happened out to eat on Friday night when my buffalo wings (Whole 30 approved) made a few forays into some Ranch dressing (NOT approved). I've been beating myself up about those things repeatedly. Which is kinda dumb and is coming from the perfectionist in me. But I avoided all kinds of other things including movie theater popcorn, and that is BIG. For me, anyway.  So I focus on the small victories.
As of yesterday I felt back in the game, proud of all the good choices I've been making for my body and mind and overall really satisfied with my new way of eating. But also, let's face it, I'm ready to see the beginning of my last week.
A few new dishes that we tried last week:

Asian Chicken Salad - http://nomnompaleo.com/post/5728050931/asian-almond-chicken-salad#more

 This made for two lunches this week, one eaten as lettuce wraps and one directly out of the bowl.  Both were yum although I found it more filling to use the wrap.

Stuffed Acorn Squash - I had used this recipe previously and really enjoyed it, so all I had to do this time around was remove the cheese (wah!), and I added some seasoned ground turkey. I had one half of the squash for dinner and the other half for breakfast the next morning with a poached egg on top.  Fabulous!

Shrimp Curry - one of the recommended quick meals I read about was to have some frozen shrimp and frozen stir-fry veggies on hand, along with some curry paste (I went with green).  I mixed together the curry paste and some coconut milk and let it boil, then stirred in the frozen protein and veggies until heated through. It was great but a little soupy.  My husband made a (much more fabulous) version of this dish this past weekend, and his method was to coat the shrimp and veggies in the paste and sautee it in the pan for 2-3 minutes. He then deglazed the pan with some coconut aminos (a soy sauce substitute) and added coconut milk. He had also added some jalapenos which gave it a perfect little kick.  It was an awesome one-dish meal. (Side note: I am not a fan of frozen veggies. Fresh would be much better in this dish.)

There are a few new dishes in the works for this week, along with some that have become stand-by's during this process.  I also want to give some thought to what's going to happen going forward and what kinds of changes to incorporate for the fam.
Stay tuned...

How Larabar Saved My Life

"Saved my life" may be a little extreme, but it certainly saved me from diving head first into a bag of Cheetos.
I kicked off last week by straying from the program's three-meals-a-day rule. By allowing myself to get all wrapped up in doing some life catch-up (you know, since I've been distracted by all the cooking and dishes and whatnot) I found at 9pm one evening that I was ravenous. Skipping lunch and skimping on dinner will do that to a person.  So I found myself wandering the Target aisles desperate for a little something that would keep me away from a drive-through (and the aforementioned Cheetos). Lo and behold - Larabar! These little guys have completely natural ingredients and are almost 100% Whole-30 compliant (with a few exceptions).  Now I know the general rule is to recondition the relationship with food and not find other snacky treats to substitute in, but I tell you what. When faced with the McDonalds down the street or this little treasure, I'll go with Lara. My favorites thus far are Cherry Pie and Carrot Cake. Deeeee-lish. I highly recommend in a pinch.
Last week found us doing lots of repeats on meals or leftovers so not much new to share on the meal front (other than that I've realized I should probably just forego the pictures I post. My photography skills SUCK, not to put too fine a point on it, and probably make the amazing meals I've been eating a little less desirable to anyone else).
I will say that last week found me feeling pretty amazing. The mental clarity and energy I have been experiencing (on the days when I don't go off-task and reverting back to the old habit of skipping meals) are well worth doing without a little ice cream here, a glass of wine there. I find that there really is not a lot that I miss.  At least, nothing I think about on any regular basis. This is not to say that I won't be enjoying some cheese or a cocktail again in my life. But for now, it feels AMAZING to know that I am doing something so amazing for myself and, ultimately, my family.  Speaking of those guys - it's become glaringly obvious to me as I've offloaded some of my food demons, how addicted my little guys are to food. They got it from me, of course, so there's no one to point the finger at except yours truly (well, and maybe the American food industry at large - just a little). All they want to do is snack, and if there's a donut within a three-mile radius they WILL sniff it out. And then fight each other for it. It's ridiculous.  So as I prepare to enter into my last week on the Whole 30, my thoughts turn toward the end of this journey and the beginning of another.  Namely, the rest of my life.  And how will the things I've been learning and experiencing translate into my family's day-to-day?  More pondering on that another time.
Tonight, a bit of fun was to be had with my book club. We've been together about ten years now, and we reflected tonight on the different stages of life we've experienced together. They are a great group of ladies, and I'm glad to have them in my life after all this time. Anyhoo....in preparing the snackies for my gang, I went with some unapproved treats for them to enjoy, but I also pulled in a few goodies for myself. This guacamole salad is something I've made for a little while now, even before the Whole 30.  I enjoyed it without the tortilla chips that I usually use to accompany it (though those were available for my fellow readers). I also served some fruit and found this fruit dip recipe. It's not your typical fruit dip all juiced up with Cool Whip, etc. so don't expect any out-of-this-world sweetness. But it did the trick for me (I especially recommend the chocolate).

It Takes a Village

Mother's Day is kind of a humbling day. I don't always feel like I'm doing that great of a job. This is for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the misguided comparisons I make to others and the perfectionism that seems to be deep-seated in my veins. Also, I yell a lot.  And yet, despite my fears that I'm failing,on Sunday I was lavished with hugs and kisses, homemade cards, adorable presents made at school, and declarations of love.

Oh yeah, and breakfast in bed. 

Cha-ching!

I reflected on Sunday how the best parts of me as a parent are due to, first of all, God's incredible grace.  Clearly He thinks I can do this job, but it wouldn't happen without His wisdom and guidance (when I shut up and listen, that is).  The best parts of me are also a result of the influence of all the incredible women in my life: my mom, mom-in-law, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, sisters, Christian mentors, and friends. Not to mention my husband without whom I would be a weeping mass prostrate upon the floor.  I mean more than I already am. It truly is taking a village to help raise my children; an amazing community of which I am undeserving but am eternally grateful for. To all of you who are a part of this tribe I thank you.

BACK TO FOOD!
I ate the delicious breakfast you see pictured above slowly, one delicious bite at a time. It's a root vegetable hash made of parsnips, turnips, beets, sweet potates, and carrots with venison steak** mixed in.  I (rather, my hubby) used the recipe found here. I also had it for breakfast this morning and will probably finish it up tomorrow. Hooray for leftovers!

**Yes, I've mentioned venison a lot during this journey.  We have family in Michigan who hunt and fish, so we are very lucky to get some quality meat.  Venison is not for everyone, but I enjoy it in the right dishes.

Sunday lunch was a trip to Chipotle.  Thank you, Chipotle, for serving well-raised meat and quality ingredients! My order was a fajita bowl sans beans and rice (lettuce lined the bottom instead) with steak, fresh tomato salsa, and green tomatillo salsa.  I love sour cream and was going to miss that creamy element the most, so I decided to give guacamole a shot.  I have never been a big fan of guacamole, but I've been branching out over the last two weeks and trying avocado in some other dishes, so with my palate slowly changing I thought I'd give it a go. I actually really enjoyed it! (in small quantities :) ) 

Sunday evening we enjoyed a stew that James pulled together and cooked in the crock pot all day. Meat of choice? Venison steak of course.  And pretty much every vegetable you can imagine (except white potatoes. My eldest son was fooled into thinking parsnips were potatoes, however.  Heh heh). I also had discovered this recipe for chile lime chicken wings that I just HAD to try, so we gave that a shot too.  The grill isn't quite fired up and ready yet so we did them in the oven.  Great flavor but they should definitely be grilled, we decided. We had an avocado-cilantro-lime dipping sauce and today I made a homemade ranch (from the book, duh) for the leftovers. Super yummy.

Some brussels on the side, yo.

Yesterday was a day for leftovers, which is fine by me. Dinner for me was eaten on the fly before dashing out the door, and I threw together this dish. It calls for fish sauce which I did not use because the only Whole 30-compliant fish sauce needs to be ordered on Amazon, and I am just way too Dutch for that business. It was a delicious little meal and very, very quick to make. Which me likey.

Tip of the day. 

I've been missing my fun drinks a bit, I cannot tell a lie. There's just no substitute for a glass of wine at the end of the day. And it would defeat the purpose of the Whole 30 and its mission to retrain the psychology that happens between me and food to TRY to substitute.  But just to mix up the blandness of plain ol' water all the time, I discovered these gems:

A little smidge of fruity after taste and some bubbles.  Works for me!



What day IS it anyway?

I've been moping around the last several days, inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) moaning about the things I'm deprived of right now. The fatigue has really decreased which is very helpful, and I haven't been AS emotional, but I am still very much fighting the emotional EATER inside myself. As I whined and craved, I had to stop and remind myself that this is a choice. I could eat the things I've been wanting if that's what I really desire.  But I realized it isn't what I really desire.  What I want out of this is to make my life about something more than food.  Its prominence in my thoughts was way out of proportion to what it should be.  My true desire is to learn to look at food the way God intended: as an enjoyable fuel source that energizes me to live a life that serves and glorifies Him. To be really, truly healthy.  To live the abundant life He came to give me.  Now, I know this doesn't come by bread (or lack of it) alone. But it's a good place to start.
The majority of my meals days 7 through 11 have been leftovers or repeats, which is good because my cooking utensils and I needed some space from each other. A few new things that did go down along with some observations:

This delightful dish is Moroccan Chicken (from the book) along with this recipe for Garlic Cauliflower Mashed "Potatoes".

As I was preparing the chicken for this dish, I made an observation.  Perhaps you observe it as well in the (horribly taken) picture below.  Warning: raw chicken sighting.  Kinda icky. But it's to make a point. 

The breasts on the left are conventional chicken that I bought frozen at Target. The ones on the right? Organic chicken from Whole Foods. Which one looks healthier to you? The color alone has me rethinking my plan to continue buying conventional for the rest of my family for awhile longer. (I know, so rude, right?  But geez, those organic chicks be expensive!)

Last night the hubs and I had an honest-to-goodness date night. Because he had some Bass Pro moolah leftover and because we are exceedingly Dutch to the core and must take advantage of gift cards, we headed over to Islamorada Fish Company, attached to the Bass Pro store. Before doing so, I perused the online menu to make sure I could, in fact, find something Whole 30 compliant to eat there. Lo and behold! We were able to start our evening with venison-stuffed mushrooms. It's supposed to come with an insanely delicious-sounding cheese sauce, which we politely declined. When the dish was brought out, it was swimming in something really yummy-but-not-Whole 30-approved-looking. We asked and were told it was a portofino sauce (this sauce was not mentioned as part of the dish on the menu).  The waitress noticed our distress at this surprise saucy concoction and asked if we wanted a new batch without it, but because I hate to feel like I'm being high-maintenance we declined the offer. I then quickly Googled portofino sauce and discovered it's riddled with dairy. But I chose the mushrooms that were least affected and just chalked it up to "too teeny to matter". (True confessions: along with this pint-sized cheat, I also tried one bite of my hubby's meal which was the all-you-can-eat fish fry.  So sue me.)

For din I ordered:

 Steak. Hold-the-potatoes-and-give-me-double-veggies (which I doused in fresh lemon juice, salt, and pepper - yum). With 5 little lemon-pepper shrimp on the side.  It was fantastic, and (observation #1:) when I was done, it's the first time in a looooong time that I did not leave a restaurant obscenely stuffed. I was just right full. Observation #2: I've noticed as I've looked over restaurant menus and grocery store aisles that the Standard American Diet has taken over to the extreme.  If I look at things in terms of what I "can't" eat as I'm striving to eat completely natural and whole foods, 90% of the foods around me fall into that category. It's pretty astounding.

Tonight's dinner:

A "deconstructed" burger with sweet potato fries and topped with a homemade, Whole 30-approved bbq sauce.  It doesn't taste like your regular bbq sauce but it was gooo-oood. This somewhat boring burger was also supposed to have mushrooms and tomatoes on it, but much to my chagrin, ye old pantry (or fridge) was bare of these items.  Time to get off to the grocery store!

Final observation.  I observed these cruel beauties on the front desk at work when I arrived this afternoon:

Cruel, I say.

They were immediately relegated to the kitchen in the back of the building.

 

Whole 30 - Days 5 and 6

Before I collapse into a heap on the floor, let me recap days 5 and 6, shall I? Yesterday morning found me nearly as tired as when I went to bed the night before, so that was kind of a bummer. I also experienced a meltdown of sorts this same morning wherein my husband found me crouched in front of the open refrigerator with my head in my hands. This mini-meltdown preceded the nuclear one I had this evening when my children found me in the chair in my bedroom with my head in my hands, sobbing and announcing what an utter failure I am in life.
Mmmmmkay. Not dramatic AT ALL.
My entire life feels ginormously over-large right now. Too overwhelming to handle. I am oh so tired.  And also, quite tired of seeing my kitchen. This seemingly endless cycle of chop-cook-wash is threatening to do me in (admittedly, this is not helped by the fact that I spent as LITTLE time as possible in there previously). And yet...I know this is all part of the process.  I have been well-prepared through my reading that this is all very likely to happen as my body detoxes all its junk (the fatigue, the emotions, the snapping at loved ones which I am trying to keep under control), but I have to go back and keep rereading that chapter just to make sure I'm not totally crazy.
Speaking of crazy.  My cravings have reached epic proportions.  At lunch time today, this, of all things, was calling my name in a very seductive and hard-to-resist voice:

I mean.

It's a CORN DOG.

Which, let's not deny they are delicious in their own way. But the desire I had to down this thing was just wrong. Particularly since it had already been torn apart by four-year-old teeth.

So I guess you could say that things could be better. But I'm pushing through. I'm confident it will be worth it in the end (which is what I keep chanting to myself in the hard moments).

Day 5

Breakfast:

After the previously mentioned meltdown, my husband sent me off to take a shower and pull myself together, and when I emerged a little more sane, he had this waiting for me:



Believe me, I do know how good I have it.

This deliciousness is ground meat, asparagus, and red bell pepper. And I really did not miss the cheese as much as I thought I would.

Lunch:

OH, lunch (aka Sunday dinner). There's not enough I can say about how good this meal was. For pete's sake, it included gravy.  GA-RAVAY. We used this recipe and anything in a slow cooker, especially if it comes out this good? is a hands-down winner in my book. And I've never had a more delicious gravy in my life. The sweet potato mash and green beans were great compliments. (But have I mentioned the gravy?)

Dinner:

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

(But no margaritas for this girl - sad face.)

I concocted a little taco salad using ground beef (seasoned with this taco seasoning recipe), lettuce, tomatoes, a red and green bell pepper/jalapeno mix, cilantro, and the Avocado dressing found in the book. Ole! (I cannot lie - I really missed my tortillas.)  We served this with roasted cauliflower. Which is not very Cinco de Mayo-y. Oh well.

Day 6

Breakfast:

Went with the old standby: sweet potato hash with a poached egg and a spinach/mushroom saute.

Lunch:

Leftovers from Friday night, this time with the avocado dressing. MUCH better.

Dinner:

Classic Chicken soup and a salad topped with a viniagrette (both recipes found in (where else?) the book).

DELISH.

Now I'm off to collapse. And saying a prayer that tomorrow starts the upswing of things.