The Mom I Am Now

I'm sitting here (BY MYSELF!!!), slooooooowly sipping coffee (BY MYSELF!!!), and a few tables over stands a group of people oohing and aahing over a brand new baby. New Mommy is regaling her enthusiastic onlookers with tales of how curly this massive volume of hair on baby's head gets in the bath, how good he is, how much of a sleeper. She is beaming, animated, joyful, relaxed, casual about any lack of sleep she's experiencing and confident of its return. And I remember being this mom. I recall people oohing and aahing over my brand new baby and eager for stories of his already-blossoming character traits. And I remember being eager and happy to share them.
Then, with a jolt, I glimpse an outsider's view of the mom I am now. I envision myself coming into this place with my boys and running into someone we know. I clearly see the game of tag that would inevitably begin, the tugging on my arms and tiny, whiny voices asking when we can leave and what we're going to do next. I can picture myself rolling my eyes and reprimanding through gritted teeth, sighing, and smiling stiffly as I adopt my martyr posture.
I don't remember the exact moment I lost that new mom glow or stopped singing my kids' praises and instead started apologizing for them and regaling family/friends/random passerby with a litany of ways in which they drain me and suck up my life force. I do remember noticing a subtle shift from congratulating new moms-to-be to wincing and warning them of the doom and gloom parenthood can bring. Who wants to be that person?
Lately, I've had several dear, trusted people in my life share emphatically with me how great they think my kids are, how friendly, full of life, joyful, outgoing, kind. And seeing them through others' eyes is beginning to shift my perspective. It's so easy for me to focus on the negative ways they can influence my day, those things that usually only a mom sees, but when I hear repeatedly the positive things that my children are bringing to the world around them, I am humbled.
Parenting is hard. I don't know anyone who would dispute that. That new mom might not see it yet, at least not in its full brutal force, but in a few years when her one child has become two or three, or when her little angel begins living out that will of his own, maybe she won't be so boisterous and full of positive stories to share. However, as my mom so wisely pointed out to me not that long ago, if you didn't care about your kids so much it wouldn't be hard at all.
The other thing that new mom can't possibly grasp yet is how incredibly rewarding parenting is: when all your child wants to do all day long is squeeze the crap out of your neck and tell you he loves you, or when there's no one else your kids would choose to be with other than you; when you see your child, at his young and innocent age, lavishing kindness on others or including them in his world; when you feel your heart bursting with a love you never knew possible at the same time that a searing pain reminds you they're growing up and away from you. When I stop and notice these things I am reminded what an incredible gift God gave me in being a mom. Not just any mom. A mom to MY boys. My three gregarious, hyperactive, fun-loving, kind, outgoing, joyful, look-at-this-will-of-my-own-I'm-going-to-show-you boys.
I hope the next time you see me you'll hear me telling about the great things my boys have done lately and the really cool people I know they are. I hope that my eye-rolling will have diminished and that you won't hear me making excuses for them (though maybe lovingly disciplining where necessary). I hope that you'll see me smiling a lot more than sighing, and that I'll be embracing everything about this life that God has given to me: the good, the bad, and the ugly - each in its turn. That's the mom I want to be now.

My Preschooler

Very likely those of you reading this are also my Facebook friends and have already feasted your eyes upon the display of cuteness below. Tough noogies. You will gaze upon the cuteness of my Benj (and other boys as well) once again:

This child spent the better part of his summer making sure I was WELL aware of the fact that he was not going to school come fall. "I'm just gonna stay home with you, Mom." Well.

It's true that he tends to be more of my homebody. (He's also the child that favors sleeping in, therefore, he is my favorite. **) He is also generally less of a "jumper-inner", more cautious when it comes to new situations and experiences. He continues to be the laid back member of the tribe.

Fast forward to the first day of Jeran's year. In a show of brotherly solidarity, Ben donned his backpack for the walk to school and upon seeing his older bro and classmates enthusiastically enter the building immediately decided that this school thing was ok. What followed were two weeks of impatience and inquiries as to why he was not also going to "my-school-with-my-teachers-Miss-Marilyn-and-Miss-Judith". And then we found ourselves at day one. In some ways my experience in bringing Ben to his first day of school was the same as with Jeran. Eager, anxious, excited, sad. But as we've gotten into the swing of school I've noticed there are differences too. I've found (mostly because he is a much more forthcoming fountain of information, and Jeran tends to be one-worded in his approach to detailing the day) that I don't pummel him for information, don't obsess about what he's doing and how he's behaving, etc. I grew comfortable about Ben being a school kid much quicker than I did when it was Jeran's turn. I think it has everything to do with their difference in temperament and personality. I don't generally worry about Ben and how he's handling things once he's settled in. Anyhoo. That's two boys in school - count em, TWO! Next year, by the grace of the potty gods, Grayson will join them. Wahoo!! And...sigh.

**I DON'T HAVE A FAVORITE. Get serious.

My First Grader

Do not be fooled by the boy's expression. While to me he looks a tad apprehensive in this photo, he felt nothing of the sort on his first day of first grade yesterday. It's true there were many proclamations this summer of, "I just want kindergarten to start over!", and when people would ask him if he was excited to start first grade they got an answer filled with nothing short of dread. But this all changed after I bought his school supplies, and he and his dad delivered them to his classroom earlier this week. Seeing his desk, meeting his teacher, discovering at least one friend was in the mix with him - these all ratcheted up the excitement. He didn't even look back yesterday as he entered the building.

I'm not really surprised by all this. I know my boy. He's like me: new things and change are always scary at first, but once we get warmed up, boy, we are IN! What I am a tad surprised by is my reaction to this whole business, particularly today as he's at his first FULL day of being away from me. He gets to experience all kinds of great new things like eating his lunch in the cafeteria and art class and making new friends. And I want all of those things for him. And, quite frankly, I want this level of peace and quiet for myself. Because there have been ZERO fights this morning (not that that will last forever, I know), and this afternoon I get 2-3 hours of blissful silence. But I still feel kind of lost with JJ gone. It's hard for me not to get to watch him experience all these firsts, only to get a second-hand, less-detailed-than-I'd-like account of his day. I want him to continue to grow. I welcome it. But it's harder than I expected to release him to the world in order to do this.
So I pray. And decide to just be unproductive today, so we can adjust to this new routine. And try not to think about how I'm going to feel in two weeks when Ben starts preschool.

July? Are you there??

I could swear that I JUST flipped my handy-dandy Berghoef family calendar over to July. Suddenly August is all up in my grill, and I'm thinking about things like school starting up again and fall approaching (followed all too quickly by winter. I think we're well aware of my dread of the Old Man and his snowy sabatoge). However, you don't need me nay-saying all over your computer, so I'll focus on more positive aspects of Louwerse life.
It has been a great summer overall. It's been glorious to be out from under the pressure of a schedule and to just enjoy sunshine, swimming, time with friends, indulging our ice cream cravings, firing up the grill. We didn't take any major vacations this summer. Certainly nothing akin to our road trip last year.But that's ok. Regular life is busy enough, so we just didn't complicate it with more places to go, things to see. We've been enjoying getting to know our neighbors and our town a little better, discovering places that before were hidden to us.
As summer does, indeed, wind down, we've been blessed to celebrate some milestone anniversaries in our family. (Side note: this was year 13 for us, and I'll be darned if I didn't try insisting to my husband it was 12. That doesn't speak well for the state of my brain cells. They do grow back, right?) Last weekend my grandparents celebrated 65 years of marriage. We had an awesome time of gathering as a family, reminiscing, capturing the moment via photograph, etc. And of course, stuffing our faces. Because no party (particularly a Dutch one) is complete without a buffet. A darn good one, at that. It's been about two years or so since I can remember my mom's whole side of the family being together like that, and it was really cool just to catch up with everyone and to revel in the blessed heritage we have received from the Gp's.
The boys and I are currently back in MI for a bit of an extended visit, as has become somewhat of our tradition the last few summers. The primary reason for our trek to this side of the lake is to celebrate my mom and dad-in-law's 50th (FIFTIETH!) anniversary this weekend. In this day and age, it's no easy feat to accomplish the Big Gold. And they have reached it with flying colors. Can't wait to be together with family and reflect upon their years together. I am truly blessed to have married into this fantastic group of people that I love and respect so much. Anyway, stay tuned for details on all that fun.
While I try to hang onto my last shreds of sanity whilst awaiting the start-up of school, I fully intend to enjoy these last days of summer freedom with my boys. I hope the same can be said for you. (The enjoyment of summer, not the shreds of sanity part.)

Summertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertime

Jeran's moves

Call me crazy but this kid's got a future in dancing. Either that or liturgical karate. To really get the full effect you have to hear Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone" in your head as that's the song he was jamming to. I've posted it on the ol' blog playlist to the right there to help you out. (Try starting the video around 2:15)

Sigh

Ugh - I know. You're just totally unmotivated at this point to even direct your internet browser to this address aren't you? The last post was about RABBITS. And I never gave a shout-out to my MOM for heaven's sake. I don't even have any pictures with which to amuse you (unless you are easily amused and would appreciate pictures of the bed we will soon be attempting to sell on Craigslist). Life is just piling up on us over here. We're starting to get the sense that we're overcommitted (yes, if you know us well you're chuckling because somehow we always end up doing this to ourselves). I've been trying lately to be intentional about committing my ways to the Lord (Prov. 16:3), prayerfully considering each day what it is God would have me do with my time rather than what I think is best, trying to learn flexibility in the process. I know all too well that there aren't enough hours in the day, so what is going to be the wisest way to use the ones I have? This week some of my hours have been spent at the Take Care Clinic with Ben (ear infection), at the car dealer (broken door latch - my, how I take for granted having doors that close and stay that way!), partaking in a surprise celebration for one of my most treasured friends, planning a service project for Sunday, working, etc. etc. {insert many more random activities, some amusing and some pressing, here}. We're looking forward to a little bit of a breather this weekend: a short visit with my parents, a party with friends (RAIN, RAIN STAY AWAY!), serving with fellow CenterPointians on Sunday, and spending a few days in the Dells with my in-laws. But stay tuned because you just never know how God is going to test this new flexibility thing I'm trying on.
And, ok, I lied. Here are a few pics of the fam from Mother's Day (but hey, if you're interested in that bed, let me know).