Work and Play

Full time parenthood has brought to light a harsh realization for me. I no longer know how to play. It's just not second nature the way I last remember it being. I cringe enormously to admit this, but when I hear Jeran say to me, "Wanna play with me, Mom?" my heart kind of sinks. And this makes me feel like an absolutely horrendous parent. I find that I struggle to keep building train tracks and making up adventures for Thomas and Percy to have upon them. I don't seem to be able to muster up the energy for hide and seek (such as it is with Jeran; it usually consists of him telling me exactly where to hide and then counting to 10 WHILE he comes looking). Building zoos and parking lots out of blocks lost its luster after the completion of the first construction project. I don't feel like I am capable of finding new ways to engage and entertain my boys either. Not that the goal of every day for me should be to entertain them; I want them to be able to do that on their own too. But I don't think it's right that NO part of my day is devoted to that either. Is it possible all of my zest for fun as well as creativity was sucked out during my seven years of teaching? Has adulthood inundated my personality to such a degree that I can't find joy in spending time with my son in the ways that he loves? I keep reminding myself that in the blink of an eye he will be in high school, and (Lord forbid) the last person he will probably want to spend time with is me. You'd think that would light a little fire under me, wouldn't you?
My basic problem is I am having a hard time finding balance. I see all of the things that must be done (keeping us fed), should be done (cleaning the house), and that I want to be done (reading, blogging, playing) and I get the priority all mixed up. Yesterday I was cleaning the house, packing for Michigan, finishing laundry... all shoulds, for the most part. And when Jeran would ask to play I would brush him aside, convincing myself that everything I was doing at the moment was a must. The problem is, everyday what I want becomes the must. I can't seem to find it within myself to slow down and look at what's truly important. Shouldn't spending time with my boys be a must? Cleaning the house a "want to"? (riiiiiight) As my own boss now it's difficult to prioritize and execute the tasks in my and my family's life. And I'm starting to suffer huge amounts of guilt while mentally berating myself, yet I can't seem to find the willpower to change.
I know that the biggest priority in my life suffers the most - the amount of time I spend with the Lord on a daily basis. It's obvious when I step back and look at it. Of course my priorities would be in a shambles when I don't have first things in order first. Sigh. And the rollercoaster continues...