Jeran Josiah

I'm painfully delinquent, once again, in posting. Jeran's birthday is 3 days past (he's my St. Patty's Day baby), but I'm still going to take the opportunity to commemorate my boy's special day. We started out the day with mommy on a little bit of a guilt trip since I accepted a subbing job. It was pre-arranged, and I figured he would be in Little Lambs for half the day anyway, so I was technically only missing spending HALF of his birthday with him. My friend, Kris, took the boys and arranged a fabulous birthday party for him in the afternoon, so in my opinion he probably had a better day than if he had been stuck at home with me anyway. :-) In the evening James and I took him to the train restaurant where we celebrated his 3rd birthday, and it was such a great time as a family. We had a lot of fun together. Even Ben! Of course, do I have photographic evidence of this spectacular time? Of course not. Just take my word for it and use your imagination. We opened a few presents at home (among them, a Leapster from mommy and daddy and a Thomas sweatshirt and book from Great-grampa and gramma Gunnink), and he got some birthday wishes over the phone from Papa and Nana and Great-grampa and gramma Gunnink. All in all, a great way to turn 4. So great, in fact, that the next day he fell asleep on the couch at 5:00. Catching up from all the excitement I guess. Some more small birthday celebrations await us in Michigan next weekend too.
Because this blog did not exist when Jeran was born, I thought it would be fun (for posterity and all) to record his birth story.
March 16, 2005.... 3 days past my due date and one day past a morning spent in false labor. I was BUMMED and anxious to get this show on the road. Starting around 4 in the afternoon on this Wednesday, however, noticeable contractions began, and because James and I were such good students of our Lamaze class, we started timing. Everything was pretty sporadic and not very intense, so we ate dinner and started watching the movie "Ray" (funny the things you remember, isn't it?). Around 10 pm contractions were about 7 minutes apart or so, so we called the hospital and they told us to come on in (even though at this point we were NOT good students and hadn't waited until the prerequisite 5 minutes apart for an hour contraction rule to take effect). My greatest fear at this point was being sent home. I was SO ready to just have this baby and didn't want to deal with the humiliation and disappointment of being told to go home and wait or that I was wrong and wasn't in labor at all. James enjoyed the 15 minute drive to the hospital because he felt that my being in labor (albeit, not very intense labor at this point) warranted him driving well above the speed limit. He was tempted to even take a red light or two. When we arrived, they had me change and get hooked up to the fetal monitor, and the waiting game began. Would we stay or would we go? In the end they decided to keep me because Jeran's heart rate kept dipping, and they wanted to keep an eye on that. Most of the nighttime hours that followed were uneventful. At some point I grew uncomfortable enough for an epidural and that marvelous messenger of God, the anesthesiologist, obliged. I had gone into my first labor with the intention of "seeing how things went" as far as going with the drugs or not, but after awhile I realized that if I didn't get some sleep, it would be a problem later. It was during these few hours of precious, early-morning sleep that things went haywire. Around 5:00 James and I were awakened by several nurses entering the room and telling me to shift to one side, then the other. This wasn't unusual since they'd been asking me to do this throughout the night to move the baby and get the heart rate back up. This time, however, they also asked me to get up on my hands and knees on the bed. Nothing was working, and things spiraled from there. More people were suddenly called into the room including the anesthesiologist. Our wonderful, angelic nurse Bridget informed us that the baby's heart rate was dangerously low nd for too long a time and my shifting positions was not helping. They were worried enough that it looked like C-section was the only way to go. Before I could blink the anesthesiologist was doping me up with more intense drugs and I was being wheeled from the room as a bleary-eyed James had consent forms thrust in his face. One vivid memory I have is riding down the hall, staring at those nondescript ceiling tiles as they flew by me, thinking, "Lord, this is NOT the way I wanted this to go, but whatever is going to deliver this baby safely....", and I really had tremendous peace about the whole thing. It was eerily quiet in the operating room as they prepped things, and then I noticed I couldn't feel anything pretty much from my neck down. I remember asking someone if this was normal and was told I was fine, and they'd keep an eye on me. Another vivid memory at this point is James walking in covered head to toe with that fashionable hospital garb. The only visible part of him were his eyes, and they were panicked. The doctor came in right after James and the next thing I knew he was telling us that things were looking up with baby, and he wasn't convinced C-section was the way to go after all. As I found out later from James, after I left the room, he overheard the nurses arguing in the hall about who was going to take the rap for making this C-section call because the doctor hadn't been the one to do it. Turns out our nurse Bridget had, and you know what? Not for a single second did we feel angry with her for that. She had the safety of our baby at heart and acted on it. SO - Jeran's heart beat went up again and no C-section was necessary. They wheeled my numb behind (along with the rest of me) back to our room. James and I then called our parents (who we had not contacted up until this point) to let them know what had happened and to ask for prayers. About 10 minutes after we hung up with my mom, she called back saying that there was no way she could just sit there at work and would we mind if she drove out? She'd just wait in the waiting room. Well, I never went into labor expecting to be the type of person who wants my mom in the delivery room with me, but when she got there, I was ALL about it. It was such a comfort to have her there after the fearful circumstances we had already been through, and I know that James was glad to not be the only one to have to coach me through what came next.
Around noon I was ready to push. The epidural/larger dose of C-section drugs I had been given were holding steady in some areas (like my legs, which were useless) but not others (like my back). It did turn out that Jeran was facing up instead of down, so that lovely bony part of his head caused some excruciating pain and gave me "back labor". To make a long story short, two and a half very intense, painful, and scary hours later (with the assistance of a doctor, nurse, "baby vacuum", and forceps) Jeran finally arrived in the world - all 5lbs. 12 oz. of him. I couldn't believe someone SO small could be so difficult to birth. He had had the cord wrapped around his foot and his neck which didn't help. There were definitely tears of relief mixed with our tears of joy (and, probably, sheer terror) that we were parents at last.
It's incredible to think that 4 years have passed and to look at the person Jeran is now. We praise God for not only how he worked throughout the difficult labor and delivery of our son but how he has worked during the past 4 years of his young life and how he has worked in our lives as parents. It has changed us, no doubt, and will continue to do so, I hope, for the better. I am both excited and terrified to continue walking this road of life with my son, watching what God does in and through him. Above all, with all of our rough moments and joyful ones, I am so grateful God saw fit to make me Jeran's mom. I CANNOT imagine a world that he is not a part of.
Anyway, Happy 4th Birthday, baby boy!

Out of the mouths of babes

After I had been (greatly over)reacting to a disappointing situation this morning (ie: unnecessary tears and a teensy amount of ranting), this conversation took place between Jeran and me:

JJ: Mom, are you sad?
Me: Yeah, honey, Mommy's feeling a little sad and mad.
JJ: That's just like how I cry when someone takes a toy away from me.
Me: Yeah, it's not really the best way for us to handle feeling sad and mad, is it? Mommy really needs to pray about how she's feeling.
JJ: Yeah, and Mommy? You need to take some deep breaths and calm down.

It's funny how your own instruction and advice can come back to bite you in the butt.

Updates

A peaceful evening here in the Louwerse household. Both boys are in their beds (though Jeran actually took a nap today, so I wouldn't label him as sleeping quite yet), and James is out with some of "the guys". So here I sit happily (and wierdly) crunching my ice and thinking about what's new with our family.
I would definitely qualify our last couple of weeks with Jeran as an improvement. While "1-2-3 Magic" isn't magic, per se (some tweaking and minor modifications have been made to allow for our son's unique personality) the amount of yelling and frustration in our household have decreased SIGNIFICANTLY. Another victory of sorts is that Jeran has officially joined the ranks of the potty trained. It is wonderful (and cheaper!) to only be changing one diaper (for the time being anyway), and I'm just so proud of him. It speaks to how much he's growing and changing. In fact, his birthday is a week from this Tuesday. It blows my mind that I will be the mother of a 4-year-old. He is so full of imagination and personality. Tonight at dinner we were entertained by many creative songs and several stories (mostly about Thomas and his friends but who's complaining?). The personality side is presenting a challenge as far as how sensitive and loving he so naturally is. In the past week he has told the check-out lady at Aldi and a lawyer friend of ours who stopped by to talk wills (scary, adult stuff) that he loved them. This is tricky ground for me. I want him to remain open and friendly and compassionate toward others, but I feel that a line of comfort is crossed for people when he is so unabashedly emotional. I guess part of my "fear" stems from the fact that I just finished reading "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult and one of the main characters is picked on mercilessly throughout his school career. It made me think about what a target Jeran could become because of his vulnerability with others, and I guess I just want to protect him from the meanness that can be out there in the world.
Benjamin...our dear, Benjamin. We're dealing with a kind of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde syndrome with this one right now. In the past couple of weeks his personality has done a complete 180 from being the laid back, easy-going kid to a demanding, tantrum-throwing, crabby boy. I wish I knew on what to blame that. Sickness? He's been somewhat congested for most of his short life so it's hard to tell when he's crossed the line from regular congested to sick congested. More teeth perhaps? We have had a few more of those make an appearance in recent weeks. I don't know. It seems like more than that to me. He definitely realizes now that he has a will of his own and does NOT like to be told no. I just hope and pray it's a passing phase and will end shortly. Each day seems to find him busier and quicker. We've lost him in our teeny tiny house several times in the past weeks. It's always a "He was just right here!" moment. Quick as lightning. He also seems to have a penchant for being a people-person. He's constantly waving and saying "hi" to just about anyone and everyone (and "hi" can be translated as "hello" or "good-bye" in Ben language).
Next week both boys visit the dr. for their check-ups so we'll see what news there is to report on them in that sense.
If you haven't noticed because you've been living under the proverbial rock or simply don't give a rat's patoot, the economy is really in the crapper. This makes James's job slightly more stressful to attend to these days. What I love about him and the company he works for is that they care so much about their clients as people, so it's hard for him knowing how all of this is affecting their clients. What we continually remind ourselves of during this difficult time is that our hope does not rest in government or businesses or money, but solely in the Lord, who continues to provide for our every need. One way he has been doing that for our family is by providing me with some work (finally!). I'm still babysitting on Thursdays and also have been tutoring at the center where I previously worked. It's only a few hours a week, but it's great to be using that teaching part of my brain again. I also have the opportunity now to tutor a little boy twice a week about 10 minutes from our house. There's a program in the western 'burbs called Bridge Communities which works with local churches and the homeless. The program works with homeless people/families to get them transitioned from that lifestyle into housing, education, jobs, etc. It's a pretty cool thing. Anyway, the wheels were put in motion back around Thanksgiving and just now finally a student arrived at the location nearest our house. I'm looking forward to being able to work with him but also find it scary to be totally in charge of assisting him - no center director to fall back on.
Last week we had the treat of James's mom staying with us from Wed. night - Monday morning. His dad was here too on Sunday and Monday but the other days had a conference in the northern suburbs. The boys had a FABulous time with Grandma, especially Jeran who enjoyed all the new books and other activities she brought to entertain. She also was a huge help in assisting us with the long list of little house projects we've been developing over the past 5 years and are just now getting motivated to tackle. James and I were also able to get away for some time together while they were here, and that was a HUGE treat.
So I guess that's all that's up. If I was better at updating on a more regular basis you wouldn't have such a ridiculously long post to wade through, and I would probably remember to share more details. As it is I forget my own name these days so the daily stuff sometimes falls through the cracks. Oh yeah, and I'm pregnant (how 'bout that?) and starting the every-tw0-week appointments now which means we're about 8 weeks out from being a family of 5. The nesting instinct has definitely kicked in hard core (much to James's chagrin) so don't be surprised the next time you see/talk to me if I'm desperately trying to move/organize/clean something.
At the moment I am content with what's been done today (mundane things like cleaning out the van, laundry, dishes and fun things like hanging out with some of "my girls" and the kids this morning). So for now I will bid farewell and go find some way to relax. Except, oh wait....that dust on the mantle is calling my name. And the spots on the carpet. Wasn't I going to fix that lamp shade, like, a year ago?......

Jeran

It's a week later, and I have graduated from pleading with God to accepting my life with Jeran as it is and praying for solutions. He is NOT, by any means, a horrible child. Simply strong-willed and challenging. What I find I become most frustrated with is his disobedience and his tantrums. Rather than constructing a really solid discipline plan I have spiraled further and further into threats, yelling, and other generally unacceptable parenting that would have the SuperNanny at my door should I care to let it continue. Which I do not. I have VERY low mommy self-esteem for letting this happen. So.....my research begins for methods that will really work for him. Time outs are ok, but they clearly don't get the message across 100% since we see so many recurring bad behaviors. Spanking is reserved for more serious offenses, not on a regular basis. I heard a GREAT talk by Kevin Leman, a Christian psychologist, author, etc. last year, and James and I thought his book Have a New Kid by Friday was IT for Jeran. But it turns out it's just not concrete enough for me to follow. I need specifics, examples, instructions, etc. That's just the way I operate. So.....I'm adding a few books to my list based on recent (and past) recommendations from friends, doctor, etc. 1,2,3 Magic is one and Creative Correction is the other. The latter has been on my reading list for awhile but I've just never gotten around to it. Well I'm ready to try now!!
In better JJ news, I think we've got potty training licked (hmmm..poor choice of phrase to link with potty training). Over the weekend he started telling us when he needed to go (more often it was actually him saying, "uh-oh!" and racing to the bathroom, but heck we took it!). At this point he hasn't had an accident since Saturday and both #1 AND #2 (there have GOT to be better ways to reference these things) are under control. Nighttime is a different story, but I'm not even sweating it. I am just ecstatic that he's stepping it up and following through on this. Along with the potty training have come other marks of independence with him. More often than not lately the catch-phrase around our house is "I'll do it myself, Mom". You name it, HE wants to do it. This has been another test of my patience as the sinks are smeared with blue toothpaste, cereal strewn across the floors, juice flooding sippy cups....and the list goes on. I am trying to take a step back and a) release my anal-retentiveness enough to let him try and exert this independence and gain confidence in doing things for himself and b) not cry when I realize how big he's getting and how soon he'll be outside my realm of influence. (James would argue that 18 years old is not "soon" but I beg to differ.) Of course, some of the things in which we would LIKE him to get more independent (minor problem-solving, getting dressed, etc.) he's a little more reluctant to keep trying, but it is what it is.
Jeran's awareness of holidays has been one of the more fun sides of his third year. He's been trick-or-treating around our house since November 1st, asking with each new snowfall if it's Christmas again, and now keeps wondering aloud if it's "Valentine's". I attempted last week to make our first set of valentines to send/give to family and friends; we even bought some new paint and stickers, but between my procrastination and his will they never got accomplished. Maybe next year. We did, however, attend a kickin' Valentine's Day party last Friday (Jeran's recollection today: "It was Valentine's at Lilia's house! There were lots of cookies!") and enjoyed a really peaceful, laid-back day of love as an extended family with my parents visiting us on Saturday.
I was reminded with all the love talk of the past week of God's take on the whole topic in 1 Corinthians 13 and feel challenged anew by it as I scrutinize my own love toward others. Do I truly reflect love as God has created it to be? I know that I have been showered with more love in my life than I know what to do with, and that is an incredible blessing. With the stresses of mothering, wifeing (it's not a word but it should be), an unknown future, finances (or lack thereof) I do feel incredibly blessed in my life, above all, for the love that God has so freely given me. I know I have a lot of work to do even within my own home to more gratefully shower that on all my boys, not to mention out in the world at large.
For today I close with a house at peace and a heart pretty nearly so as well.

Lord, help me

Help me, help me, help me. I do not understand my oldest child and do not know how to help him. I'm SO tired of yelling and being this mother that I hate being to him. Just....help me.

Potty training, take 2

Yesterday began our second round in the potty training boxing ring. And it really does feel like a battle. This time around we as the parents are much more determined which I hope will make this stick. Basically it has come down to the fact that we've had it with still changing "diapers" on an almost-four-year-old. So we cut him off. During the day our tactic is underwear only or, if we're sticking around home, total bottom nudity. Good thing the weather and temperatures are on an upswing right now. We're starting where we left off back in October, basically. JJ is extremely reluctant to use the potty, so it's a little bit of a battle (not without its briberies) to get him to go. He's had many successful peeing moments, and a few times has even told us when he's had to go. He also did his first...ahem, how to put this delicately?....#2 job today which we were all ecstatic about. Exclamations and dances of joy abounded around this event. With that said (and at the risk of sounding like a pessimist) , for all the moments of success we have experienced, there seem to have been an equal number of accidents. We really have to keep on top of him to use it, so once again we're in that place where our entire world seems to revolve around the john. Fabulous. But it feels good to be doing something that we feel is right for Jeran at this time. Although he still is not taking initiative, it just seems wrong to us that he'll be 4 in a month and still perfectly content to be soiling himself day in and day out.
And so another week begins....

No relevant and/or clever title here

I think I am finally kicking the winter doldrums in the rear. It helps that the calendar has turned to February which, to me, means we've at least made it halfway through the season of snow (however, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't upsetting that that dumb groundhog saw his shadow). I have come to terms with the fact that I'm just not really a stay at home stay-at-home mom. I like to get out and about, even if it's someplace simple like meeting friends at a McDonald's playland (thanks, Steph!) or IKEA (thanks, Kris and Jo!) or even their homes. Even a doctor's visit or quick trip to Target can suffice in a pinch. It can be challenging getting the boys appropriately bundled up and out of the house, and a lot of days that's the point when I realize my energy level is waning, but I push through and we end up having a good time out of the house. Jeran is getting almost too-used to these daily excursions. Pretty much every morning after breakfast he'll say, "Where are we going today, Mom?",and he has a hard time coping if I tell him we're staying in (I read you, little man).

The quest for part-time employment continues. I have a babysitting gig on Thursdays, usually, for a two-year-old. He is also wildly into trains, which means that he and Jeran became fast friends (and enemies... those trains can really tear two people apart). The boys and I watch him at his house which is actually just fine with me because we get out of our own house for a day. This month on Tuesdays I am also helping out a friend from church with her daycare. She had her third child at the end of November and just added newborn twins to her workload as well. So besides her own three, she has her niece (almost 2), an 18-month-old, and newborn twins. Zoiks! So while she gets into the groove of all this madness I'm giving her two extra hands (and, unfortunately, two extra kids in her house) on one of the days they are there. Last week was the first day, and most of the day was surprisingly manageable. It helped that Jeran was at Little Lambs in the morning, her daughter was at preschool in the afternoon, and the twins slept ALOT. The last hour or so was when chaos reigned. It seemed like all the babies (there are 4 who are one year and under) lost it all at once, so two adults was not even enough. Anyway, it's a win-win situation because she gets some help (which I am happy to offer), and I get paid. VERY helpful right now. I have also put my name on the sub list where I used to teach. My fabulous friends who always watched the boys before have agreed to take a MAJOR pay-cut so that we can all make a little extra cash. I'm really excited about it and hope to get some calls soon! It will be great to be around my old TCS crew a bit without having the stress of the planning/grading/committees, etc. I just get to show up and teach. Pretty sweet.

I become decreasingly enchanted with home ownership these days. Last week our water heater pilot light started going out on us. We just got a new one put in 4 or 5 years ago but have been told that our water is so bad here that it's quite possible corrosion will make it necessary to replace the whole thing already. Just great. The alternative is to replace the one part that's probably in the worst shape, and even then we're still looking at a $150 service call and a $50 replacement part. Great. For now we've been surviving with just relighting the pilot once or twice a day. Admittedly, I don't know how safe this actually is. This same week the dryer decided to go on strike and quit drying clothes. The thing would run but not get hot at all. Again we were faced with several choices about how to approach this dilemma. We were reluctant to spend any money on a service call, and James could possibly have fixed the problem himself, but still an expense and time-consuming. In the end, James's parents told us they had an extra dryer at home (they are VERY resourceful people in situations like this), and Dad L. was willing to meet us halfway last weekend to get it to us. For three hours of our time, a half tank of gas, and some lunch we ended up with a like-new dryer, so it seems like a good deal to us. Plus we enjoy family time altogether, even if it's in the car. We're lucky to have pretty good travelers in our kids which can make this so. And as if all this wasn't enough, last night I carelessly allowed a stray article of clothing to fall into the drain sink by our washing machine and clog it up, thereby flooding our entire laundry area and partially the garage when I failed to notice that the sink was overflowing. To make a long story short, that was a GROSS clean-up project.

With all of my griping about household issues, though, I realize how very blessed I am to be able to afford to keep my house in this day and age, and with it being so cold, to have a wonderful shelter like this is a huge blessing. So I'll just shut up now.

What's going on with the kids these days? Well, we're gearing up to give potty training another go. Lately, I've been trying the "when you're 4 you are DONE with Pull-Ups" and "you can't go to school until you're able to use the potty all the time" tactics. I don't know if either is making a dent, but I do know that James and I are SO done with changing two diapers. It's getting ridiculous. So one day in the VERY near future (I don't think I can hang in there until the 4th birthday) we're just going to play hard ball and cut him off. A wise course of action? Who knows? We'll just wait and see. Speaking of potty...Jeran has arrived at that wonderful age when words like "poop" and "butt" are just hilarious. Fabulous. I'm telling you, between the potty talk and bodily functions around here I'm feeling the need for a girl more than ever. However, J.J. is getting more and more helpful around the house and much more independent as far as wanting to do things himself. This makes for a bittersweet chapter in my book as a mom.

Ben's big accomplishment lately is drinking more frequently from a cup rather than just the bottle. He still gets a bottle a couple of times a day, especially first thing in the morning when we're not QUITE ready for him to get up yet. He is also getting into absolutely EVERYTHING. For an army crawler who only walks hanging onto objects around the house, he is FAST. But such a ham and still so much fun.

Pregnancy #3 is coming along. I think I'm around 25 weeks at this point. My brain cell depletion has infinitely increased with this baby. It's so sad how with the first child you know exactly how far along you are at any given moment (I'm 24 weeks and 3 days!) and with each subsequent child it's a little more vague. I am more addicted than ever to junk food which I know is just selfish and wrong of me to indulge in and yet I don't seem to have much willpower in this area. Some days I'm really tempted to look in that envelope and end the mystery of this baby's gender, but then I picture that moment when he/she is finally here, and after all that work I get to REALLY meet my child, and then the tempation fades. Here is a preggo pic for your viewing pleasure. It's not one of my finer photographic moments, but it gives you a visual for how things are progressing.