You know you're getting old(er) when...

...whilst in a room full of teenagers you
A) don't understand half of what they're talking about,
B) are equal parts horrified and amused by the things you do understand, and
C) are a little relieved to never have to be 18 again.

Freedom

I've been struggling a great deal lately. Struggling with waking up motivated to face my life and tackle the day. Struggling to enjoy my children rather than just be exhausted by them. Struggling to focus on all the good God has placed in my life rather than on the inconveniences and challenges. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that I could choose a different line of thinking and a different perspective but having no energy to even be willing. I hate waking up in the morning and feeling almost as drained as I did the night before when I went to bed. I feel like a failure as a wife, a mom, a friend, and I feel like a fraud as a Christian. Shouldn't I be relying on God more as my strength? Shouldn't I trust Him to pull me through what is a tough, yes, but not impossible time of life? Isn't every other mom I have the privilege to know going through this? I'm certainly no exception to the rule. So why do I wallow in it? I feel like Satan has me completely bogged down, wrapped up in myself, full of confusion as to how to get out of my own head, completely incapable of seeing the bigger picture.
Yesterday morning I spent some time just crying out to God and seeking comfort from His word. (Took me long enough! It's these simple acts of rescue that don't even cross my mind when I'm so completely buried in the daily trenches; the most obvious courses of action just aren't obvious when you feel like all you're trying to do is survive.) Below are the verses He directed my attention to and some of the thoughts I had and wrote down as I read through them. And,though not immediately, I did find peace:



Psalm 62:1-2, 5-8, 11: "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. [at which point I wrote in the margin: But I DO feel shaken today, Lord! I just can't get it together!] Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. [I have a choice. I WILL NOT be shaken.] My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong and that you, O Lord, are loving."


Psalm 63:1, 3-8: "Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary [soooo weary] land where there is no water. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." [My focus needs to be on praising the Lord for who He is, not on what I'm not. I desire to find contentment in all he has done for/given me and to allow His hand to uphold me, not my abilities, plans, or unworthy substitutes.]

Ephesians 3:16-21: "I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. [Yes! God's Spirit DOES dwell in me! An endless wellspring of love and strength!] And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love [am I? IS that where I'm rooted? In Christ's love and in living a life of love out of gratitude to Him? Are all of my thoughts, words, actions, established in and out of His love?] "may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. [Empty me of myself! Fill me with You! How I desire to TRULY grasp the love of Christ for me.] Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen." [His power IS at work within me today.]


I still struggled yesterday, don't get me wrong, but not to the extent that I had been. I didn't feel SO weary, worn, and stretched thin. I found rest in the message of His words.

God had another message for me yesterday as well. After dropping JJ off at school I was driving toward the highway on a major route that passes our house and also, farther down the road, happens to pass a state penitentiary, so it's not uncommon to see DOC buses or vans passing by. This was the case yesterday. I happened to pass a van carrying a couple of inmates, made glaringly obvious by their neon yellow jumpsuits. It hit me as I drove past that I have been given immeasurable freedom. Freedom to wake up in my own bed each morning, to spend unlimited time with my children and husband every day. Freedom to be driving in my own car to meet up with friends. And beyond all of these glorious choices I'm given, even greater is that I am not trapped in a spiritual prison of hopelessness. I have been given the greatest gift of salvation through Christ Jesus. I have no cause to live in fear and despair; I have been set free. What a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I realized this!
The day to day is still going to bog me down. But I hope I can hang onto this renewed perspective and rest in the Lord, even when rest seems far from me.
I am choosing joy.

Wha's up

The fall decorations are up (ok, LIE. But I have it on my to-do list), the nights have turned cooler, there are sudden bursts of color already evident here and there, and the scent of fallish candles fills the house. I am excited for every change of season, but autumn is without question my favorite.

So what's going down in R-ville?

First off, my camera is finally fixed and returned!! Just in time for our Labor Day weekend camping trip with some of our favorite families from church. While the weather was a tad cooler than we would ideally like, and we experienced some heavy rain and wind the second night, it was overall a fantastic time! Campfires, laughs, yummy food, silly games, a time of Sunday morning reflection together, and just good times with friends. We already can't wait for next year!

Benj made friends with Mittens the dog, who was hereafter known as "My doggie" or "My Mittens".

LOTS of time for play and leisure!

Watching a kids vs. adults volleyball game and playing in the sand. He loved being able to just run wild with the other kids!

Kindergarten is in full swing for JJ. He and I both had to go through a period of adjustment these last couple of weeks. There were definitely nerves on both our parts. For awhile there, every morning brought with it protests of having to go to school. As he's made friends and learned the routine, however, that has happened less and less. I'm already amazed at what he has learned and am really happy with the teacher he has. I had been praying for just the right fit for his personality, and she seems to be it. I'm anxious for our parent-teacher conference in November to get the full scoop on how he spends his mornings.

Our sweet, mild-mannered Ben has apparently decided to fully embrace the terrible twos before he turns 3 in December. Somehow, my laid-back boy has disappeared and this growling, screaming, frustrated, red-faced whirling dervish has taken his place. Anything that doesn't go his way is cause for a meltdown. If we happen to need to be somewhere say, oh, before the turn of the next century and have to hurry along his attempts to "do it myself" we have a half-hour long fit on our hands. It's pretty unreal and pretty stressful. I have confidence that his sweetness will return so I'm just hanging on for the ride. On the upside he amazes me everyday at the things he IS able to do on his own and the patience he exhibits in making these attempts. While it's true he falls apart if we won't let him do something on his own, if we just give him the time he needs then he will make try after try to get it right and get it done. So I love to see that. He and JJ love to be together (although, honestly, I think Ben is a LITTLE relieved to have some alone time in the mornings now): wrestling, telling (non-sensical) jokes at the dinner table, using their imaginations, reading books, and hugging.

Grayson is firmly established as the family clown. He loves to laugh and make us laugh with him and can really be a total goofball. He has to do EVERYthing the older boys are doing whether that's playing outside, eating a lollipop, brushing his teeth, singing, running, or jabbering away telling stories. His personality is an interesting mix between Jeran and Ben. He has Jeran's non-stop energy (I mean NON.STOP. He's into absolutely everything all the time) combined with Ben's laid-backness, in the sense that he's pretty content with anything that's going on and will go with the flow. For the most part. He definitely has discovered he has a will of his own, even at only 17 months, and he works it out now and again.

As for the parental units of this brood, we are hanging in there. Life is a pretty wild and crazy ride right now. I won't lie: it's exhausting, it's chaotic, and there are a lot of times when all James and I can do at the end of the day is stare at each other blankly and wonder how we're going to do it all again tomorrow. Aside from parenting (and trying to do it well, no less) we are more and more involved with the new church we're a part of (which is officially off and running! More on that to come), not to mention trying to keep connected to one another and our family and friends. Our days are filled with lots of prayer for perseverance and guidance, and, despite what I may portray here at times, we do find joy in what God has given us during this season.

So that's some of the haps currently with us. What's new with u?