Work and Play

Full time parenthood has brought to light a harsh realization for me. I no longer know how to play. It's just not second nature the way I last remember it being. I cringe enormously to admit this, but when I hear Jeran say to me, "Wanna play with me, Mom?" my heart kind of sinks. And this makes me feel like an absolutely horrendous parent. I find that I struggle to keep building train tracks and making up adventures for Thomas and Percy to have upon them. I don't seem to be able to muster up the energy for hide and seek (such as it is with Jeran; it usually consists of him telling me exactly where to hide and then counting to 10 WHILE he comes looking). Building zoos and parking lots out of blocks lost its luster after the completion of the first construction project. I don't feel like I am capable of finding new ways to engage and entertain my boys either. Not that the goal of every day for me should be to entertain them; I want them to be able to do that on their own too. But I don't think it's right that NO part of my day is devoted to that either. Is it possible all of my zest for fun as well as creativity was sucked out during my seven years of teaching? Has adulthood inundated my personality to such a degree that I can't find joy in spending time with my son in the ways that he loves? I keep reminding myself that in the blink of an eye he will be in high school, and (Lord forbid) the last person he will probably want to spend time with is me. You'd think that would light a little fire under me, wouldn't you?
My basic problem is I am having a hard time finding balance. I see all of the things that must be done (keeping us fed), should be done (cleaning the house), and that I want to be done (reading, blogging, playing) and I get the priority all mixed up. Yesterday I was cleaning the house, packing for Michigan, finishing laundry... all shoulds, for the most part. And when Jeran would ask to play I would brush him aside, convincing myself that everything I was doing at the moment was a must. The problem is, everyday what I want becomes the must. I can't seem to find it within myself to slow down and look at what's truly important. Shouldn't spending time with my boys be a must? Cleaning the house a "want to"? (riiiiiight) As my own boss now it's difficult to prioritize and execute the tasks in my and my family's life. And I'm starting to suffer huge amounts of guilt while mentally berating myself, yet I can't seem to find the willpower to change.
I know that the biggest priority in my life suffers the most - the amount of time I spend with the Lord on a daily basis. It's obvious when I step back and look at it. Of course my priorities would be in a shambles when I don't have first things in order first. Sigh. And the rollercoaster continues...

News

Oh my - what an embarrassingly delayed update of Louwerse life. What few readers we had have probably moved on to greener pastures of reading material.

The boys and I continue to enjoy life at home. Everyday, I still thank God for this opportunity our family has for a less hectic pace of life, even after days like we've had this week, where it seems our 3 1/2 year old fights us on EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING. Frustrating. I keep telling myself that someday a strong will could be a very good thing for him in this world. But right now it just gives me headaches - multiple ones daily. Anyway... I am still on the lookout for some part time work (no, not in order to get away from the tantrums and fits, although that's a bit of a perk), and in the meantime God fully provides for our needs and gives us many rewarding ways to fill our days.

A big event in our last few weeks was James and Jeran's appearance in a wedding. Our good friends, Steve (who James has known since elementary school) and Cindy, tied the knot, with James as a groomsman and Jeran as ring bearer. Photos of this are or will soon be up on Facebook or sent out through Ofoto, so you can get more of a photo documentary there, but the very short story is that Jeran (well, AND James for that matter - haha) did great through the picture-taking and walking down of the aisle, which were the 2 things we were most concerned about (for Jeran, not James). For the time being, here is a teaser photo of our little studmuffin.

While Ben was not involved in any nuptials recently, he has been busy nevertheless. Within the last week he has sprouted his 6th and 7th teeth, started crawling (army style but with one gimpy leg), and feeding himself finger foods (previously he would just sit with his mouth hanging open, waiting for us to insert his next bite). Another step in this 10-month-old's determination to grow up.

Last week our family had the opportunity for another extended Michigan trip. James is gearing up to take his CFP (Certified Financial Planner) exam in November. It's a biggie. For those of you in the medical field, think boards. To this end, James took a review class for this test at Grand Valley State Univ., which has a campus 3 minutes from my parents' house. The downside to this? Four brutally long days (Wed. - Sat., 8 - 5) of reviewing and practice testing. The upside? He feels it was beneficial, and the alternative here in Chicago would have been a week-long class that included a commute to downtown Chicago each day. We had a wonderful time with family and friends (although we still couldn't quite seem to fit all of you in, and we missed seeing Grandpa and Grandma Louwerse who were gone on a serve trip to Indiana). One of the highlights was a Saturday trip with Nana to Crane's Apple Orchard. We didn't ACTUALLY end up picking any apples, but we braved a wonderful lunch in the restaurant with the 2 boys, watched J.J. have the time of his life on the "Cow Train" and purchased some delicious apples, cider donuts, and dumplings to take home with us.

I suppose we've saved the biggest news for last to report on here. As you've probably already heard we are pregnant for the third (and, most likely, final) time. Although I have a pretty solid working knowledge of how babies are made, I still find myself shocked that this has happened. We've had a couple of months for the news to sink in before we went public with it, but the primary feeling, unfortunately, is still one of being overwhelmed, mostly with the thought that my latter two children will only be 17 months apart. Somehow, one child seemed fair for two parents, two has proven to be a bit of an uneven match, so I can't imagine what 3 is going to feel like. However, I can say that after my first doctor appointment this past Monday and having the opportunity to hear the baby's heartbeat, I find myself at a slightly greater degree of peace about the whole situation. I have also received much encouragement from family and friends, so thanks you guys. We know that it takes a village to raise a child - so count on us calling you in for back-up.

This pregnancy has been significantly rougher than the previous two. I have been much more nauseous, exhausted (no doubt in part to caring for two busy boys), and emotional, and I have a feeling that once I start feeling normal (which, for those of you who know me well, will find that descriptor relative as well as debatable) I will find myself relishing this pregnancy and looking forward to meeting our third baby. We're not sure yet what will get James to that point, but to his credit he has taken the news far more calmly than me, and has been a real hero in this house the past couple of months. We would be living in starvation and squalor if not for his care of our family.

So, that's our update, a month or so late. As I start to feel more myself I hope to keep up a little better with our happenings.