As a follow up...

In keeping somewhat with the spirit of my last post, I'd just like to say that today I was reflecting on my kids, motherhood, etc. This phrase popped in my head, and I was startled by how unequivocally, absolutely true it is for me:
My very worst day with my children is better than any day I would have to live without them.
Wow. Big stuff.

Caught in the Middle

For all my grumping and whining I truly do love being a mom. It has changed my life irrevocably. It has enlarged my heart, my world, my compassion, my perspective to no end. It has bonded me to my husband (and also to many mother-friends) to a degree I never knew existed. It has opened my realization to those corners of my life that I haven't really wanted to dust up and work on, and most importantly it has rocked my understanding of God as a loving Father. So though I have lost what stunning youth beauty I may have once possessed (Right. My idea of accessorizing has always been wearing shoes that match.) and am up to my ears in diapers, drool, tantrums, and toys I would not for one second count myself as anything but blessed and am so grateful that God has led me here. Sometimes, though, I do think about what is yet to come. My oldest child turns five next month, and I realize more than ever that time marches on, and I am starting to force myself to deal with the fact that my boys will grow up and away. Who will I be then? What new passion will fill my days when mothering is no longer my primary job description? I have lots of desires but little confidence regarding my ability where any of them are concerned: writing, reading, music, teaching. I can look back over my life thus far and see a partially-formed puzzle with lots of pieces still missing. I know without doubt God has used all of the experiences of my life thus far to make me who I am and to equip me for just the job I have now...and even for the ones to come. But I still feel a little caught in the middle. Of life as it was and life as it will be. Which, really, when I think about it, is not all that bad. Because the life I'm in right now is pretty great.

Updates, etc.

I am happy to report that:
A) the last couple of nights have been restful ones. All the boys have been sleeping through the night with the exception of one or two Jeran episodes. With James's mom and dad staying with us over this past weekend, we moved JJ and Ben into a room together, and this has seemed to help immensely. Therefore we are on the lookout for bunk beds to make this room sharing situation permanent.
B) Grayson is on the mend. The steroid cream is working WONDERS (sans any voice changes or unwanted hair). He finished his antibiotics, and we'll see how the old ears are doing at a check-up in a couple of weeks. And did I mention he's been sleeping through the night? (Knock on wood)

A funny Jeran-ism for you:
JJ: Mom, how old are you? (I know - loaded question or what? I'm sure you can guess approximately where this is going.)
Mom: I'm 32.
JJ: (pause as he begins counting) Whoa, that's a lot of numbers.

Ode to Sleep

"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

I'd like to kick, squarely in the teeth, the author of this proverb. But that's only because I'm slightly delirious due to lack of sleep. For the past several weeks we in the Louwerse household have been living the exact opposite. Which goes something like this:

"Late to sleep, frequently woken, makes one ill, useless, and short-spoken."

Yes. Well. Like I said, I'm tired.

Our sleep woes have stemmed primarily from sickness. Ben and Grayson have been nursing colds for the past two weeks, though they seem to be well now. James suffered from it somewhere in there, and Jeran caught it a couple of days ago. Unfortunately, for him it led to a fit of vomiting for about 7 hours Thursday night. Not fun. All of us feeling run down and not getting enough sleep effectively put an end to our plans to head to Michigan this weekend. Sniff. But I'll admit it has been exactly what we needed just to do absolutely nothing and REST. As much as you do such a thing with three boys under the age of 5 around.

Even without sickness, sleep has been pretty scarce for us. For one thing Grayson has still been waking up once a night, and yes, I know, I need to just grow a spine and cut him off. Maybe something about him being the last baby is making me wuss out, I don't know. Possibility #2: Maybe my sanity can handle him waking up, eating for 10 minutes, and going right back to sleep but not "crying it out" for an hour and a half.

The other thing is that Jeran still consistently wakes up several times a night, crying, inconsolable, not even awake. It is equal parts heartbreaking and maddening. We can't figure out what's causing it or, more importantly, how to fix it.

Baby Graybie had his 9 month check up yesterday, and we discovered, to quote my hubby, that he is a "hot mess". Double ear infection (love when I don't catch those), eczema, and he has dropped significantly in the weight percentile. Enough so that they tested his hemoglobin to see whether he's not getting enough iron. Real nice. Feeling like the mom of the year. But we now have him on some amoxicillan and steroid cream (hopefully we don't wake up to a nine-month-old with a deep voice and chest hair tomorrow).

So what else is going on in our life besides illness and not sleeping?

Well, there's the whole Ben is a hoarder situation. Yes, I've said it. If there was a support group on such things I would go. "Hello, my name is Julie, and I'm the mother of a hoarder." He's pretty hilarious actually. He'll gather up as many things as he can possibly carry (more things than he can, really) and walk around the house with them. And any activity he wants to take part in has to include his "treasures". But, man, does that kid get pissed if he drops something. He's been a tad OCD lately, needing things to be "just so". It's so interesting to see their personalities emerge. And by interesting I mean...exhausting. Speaking of which, I think I'll go catch an hour or so of shut-eye before the nighttime circus commences.

Check out this guy

He did this himself.

Wanna start placing any bets on how long it will be before he's walking?? I don't. :)

My Achy Breaky Heart

All those of you who think I could excel (or at least passably accomplish) home schooling please raise your hand. Yeah, me neither. But it has been a tempting option this week as I've been dealing with a hurting little boy. Monday evening Jeran confessed to James that at school that day nobody would play with or sit by him. "Nobody likes me there." Can you hear my heart splintering into a thousand tiny pieces? We talked about it as a family on Tuesday morning again and tried to get to the bottom of whether this was just what Jeran perceived was happening or whether truly he was being ostracized from the group. It seems that on this particular day he was, indeed, the loner. And so, being the great mom that I am, I supressed my burning desire to go to each and every child in his class and give them A) a fiery tongue-lashing and B) many sweets and toys as a pay-off to including my child. Instead, James and I talked with Jeran about perhaps pursuing other interests with the kids in his class, rather than sticking like glue to the train table. Not everyone loves Thomas like you do, we explained (this revelation clearly stumped him). So we coached him on making the first move when it comes to friendship. Seeking out others and asking them if they'd like to show him what they are playing or asking whether someone would like to sit next to him on the Noah's Ark rug (apparently on Monday he sat "all alone on the ostrich"). We also explained that, unfortunately, not everyone is going to want to be friends all the time but that he should still be kind and include others when he has the chance. We also ran down a long list of friends he has outside of school and people who love him dearly. Then we prayed with him (and that was as much for his mom as for him). This is a whole new world for me, people. One major thing I have absolutely never wanted for my child (as any parent would attest, I'm sure) is for him to be lonely or rejected. However, I feel in the past 24 hours, that God has shown me two things.
1) Jeran is His child more than mine. His plans for Jeran and the things (even the painful things) that He allows in his life are building in my son Christ-like character for the future (who knew loneliness and rejection better than Christ?), and I know it's my job to help him understand that. I know that God loves JJ and wants the best for him far more than I can even fathom.
2) This too shall pass. And new challenges will follow.
I continue to pray that my son will be kind and will meet others who reciprocate. I pray for him to meet at least that one, true-blue friend who will stick closer than any other, and I also pray that Jeran will always choose to surround himself with, as his inner circle anyway, those who will encourage him and help him to stay on the straight and narrow, right path.
In the meantime, does anybody know of a really killer cupcake recipe that I could whip up to bring into class on Friday??

Christmas Vacation 09

I was kind of a dud as far as the camera goes this Christmas (if you have photos you think I'd like to have PLEASE email them!!). I missed capturing so many fantastic moments (like the entire Louwerse family busting a move to MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This"). But, such as it is, here is a brief glimpse of the merrymaking we took part in.