Lord, help me

Help me, help me, help me. I do not understand my oldest child and do not know how to help him. I'm SO tired of yelling and being this mother that I hate being to him. Just....help me.

Potty training, take 2

Yesterday began our second round in the potty training boxing ring. And it really does feel like a battle. This time around we as the parents are much more determined which I hope will make this stick. Basically it has come down to the fact that we've had it with still changing "diapers" on an almost-four-year-old. So we cut him off. During the day our tactic is underwear only or, if we're sticking around home, total bottom nudity. Good thing the weather and temperatures are on an upswing right now. We're starting where we left off back in October, basically. JJ is extremely reluctant to use the potty, so it's a little bit of a battle (not without its briberies) to get him to go. He's had many successful peeing moments, and a few times has even told us when he's had to go. He also did his first...ahem, how to put this delicately?....#2 job today which we were all ecstatic about. Exclamations and dances of joy abounded around this event. With that said (and at the risk of sounding like a pessimist) , for all the moments of success we have experienced, there seem to have been an equal number of accidents. We really have to keep on top of him to use it, so once again we're in that place where our entire world seems to revolve around the john. Fabulous. But it feels good to be doing something that we feel is right for Jeran at this time. Although he still is not taking initiative, it just seems wrong to us that he'll be 4 in a month and still perfectly content to be soiling himself day in and day out.
And so another week begins....

No relevant and/or clever title here

I think I am finally kicking the winter doldrums in the rear. It helps that the calendar has turned to February which, to me, means we've at least made it halfway through the season of snow (however, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't upsetting that that dumb groundhog saw his shadow). I have come to terms with the fact that I'm just not really a stay at home stay-at-home mom. I like to get out and about, even if it's someplace simple like meeting friends at a McDonald's playland (thanks, Steph!) or IKEA (thanks, Kris and Jo!) or even their homes. Even a doctor's visit or quick trip to Target can suffice in a pinch. It can be challenging getting the boys appropriately bundled up and out of the house, and a lot of days that's the point when I realize my energy level is waning, but I push through and we end up having a good time out of the house. Jeran is getting almost too-used to these daily excursions. Pretty much every morning after breakfast he'll say, "Where are we going today, Mom?",and he has a hard time coping if I tell him we're staying in (I read you, little man).

The quest for part-time employment continues. I have a babysitting gig on Thursdays, usually, for a two-year-old. He is also wildly into trains, which means that he and Jeran became fast friends (and enemies... those trains can really tear two people apart). The boys and I watch him at his house which is actually just fine with me because we get out of our own house for a day. This month on Tuesdays I am also helping out a friend from church with her daycare. She had her third child at the end of November and just added newborn twins to her workload as well. So besides her own three, she has her niece (almost 2), an 18-month-old, and newborn twins. Zoiks! So while she gets into the groove of all this madness I'm giving her two extra hands (and, unfortunately, two extra kids in her house) on one of the days they are there. Last week was the first day, and most of the day was surprisingly manageable. It helped that Jeran was at Little Lambs in the morning, her daughter was at preschool in the afternoon, and the twins slept ALOT. The last hour or so was when chaos reigned. It seemed like all the babies (there are 4 who are one year and under) lost it all at once, so two adults was not even enough. Anyway, it's a win-win situation because she gets some help (which I am happy to offer), and I get paid. VERY helpful right now. I have also put my name on the sub list where I used to teach. My fabulous friends who always watched the boys before have agreed to take a MAJOR pay-cut so that we can all make a little extra cash. I'm really excited about it and hope to get some calls soon! It will be great to be around my old TCS crew a bit without having the stress of the planning/grading/committees, etc. I just get to show up and teach. Pretty sweet.

I become decreasingly enchanted with home ownership these days. Last week our water heater pilot light started going out on us. We just got a new one put in 4 or 5 years ago but have been told that our water is so bad here that it's quite possible corrosion will make it necessary to replace the whole thing already. Just great. The alternative is to replace the one part that's probably in the worst shape, and even then we're still looking at a $150 service call and a $50 replacement part. Great. For now we've been surviving with just relighting the pilot once or twice a day. Admittedly, I don't know how safe this actually is. This same week the dryer decided to go on strike and quit drying clothes. The thing would run but not get hot at all. Again we were faced with several choices about how to approach this dilemma. We were reluctant to spend any money on a service call, and James could possibly have fixed the problem himself, but still an expense and time-consuming. In the end, James's parents told us they had an extra dryer at home (they are VERY resourceful people in situations like this), and Dad L. was willing to meet us halfway last weekend to get it to us. For three hours of our time, a half tank of gas, and some lunch we ended up with a like-new dryer, so it seems like a good deal to us. Plus we enjoy family time altogether, even if it's in the car. We're lucky to have pretty good travelers in our kids which can make this so. And as if all this wasn't enough, last night I carelessly allowed a stray article of clothing to fall into the drain sink by our washing machine and clog it up, thereby flooding our entire laundry area and partially the garage when I failed to notice that the sink was overflowing. To make a long story short, that was a GROSS clean-up project.

With all of my griping about household issues, though, I realize how very blessed I am to be able to afford to keep my house in this day and age, and with it being so cold, to have a wonderful shelter like this is a huge blessing. So I'll just shut up now.

What's going on with the kids these days? Well, we're gearing up to give potty training another go. Lately, I've been trying the "when you're 4 you are DONE with Pull-Ups" and "you can't go to school until you're able to use the potty all the time" tactics. I don't know if either is making a dent, but I do know that James and I are SO done with changing two diapers. It's getting ridiculous. So one day in the VERY near future (I don't think I can hang in there until the 4th birthday) we're just going to play hard ball and cut him off. A wise course of action? Who knows? We'll just wait and see. Speaking of potty...Jeran has arrived at that wonderful age when words like "poop" and "butt" are just hilarious. Fabulous. I'm telling you, between the potty talk and bodily functions around here I'm feeling the need for a girl more than ever. However, J.J. is getting more and more helpful around the house and much more independent as far as wanting to do things himself. This makes for a bittersweet chapter in my book as a mom.

Ben's big accomplishment lately is drinking more frequently from a cup rather than just the bottle. He still gets a bottle a couple of times a day, especially first thing in the morning when we're not QUITE ready for him to get up yet. He is also getting into absolutely EVERYTHING. For an army crawler who only walks hanging onto objects around the house, he is FAST. But such a ham and still so much fun.

Pregnancy #3 is coming along. I think I'm around 25 weeks at this point. My brain cell depletion has infinitely increased with this baby. It's so sad how with the first child you know exactly how far along you are at any given moment (I'm 24 weeks and 3 days!) and with each subsequent child it's a little more vague. I am more addicted than ever to junk food which I know is just selfish and wrong of me to indulge in and yet I don't seem to have much willpower in this area. Some days I'm really tempted to look in that envelope and end the mystery of this baby's gender, but then I picture that moment when he/she is finally here, and after all that work I get to REALLY meet my child, and then the tempation fades. Here is a preggo pic for your viewing pleasure. It's not one of my finer photographic moments, but it gives you a visual for how things are progressing.

FINALLY!!!

After an absurdly long time (ok, it was, like, two months, but that can feel REALLY long) of waiting, we finally received James's CFP test results in the mail today. We had a pretty good feeling that today would actually and at long last be the day since the results, according to the CFP website, were mailed out last Thursday. So when the boys and I got home from Little Lambs and some errands (poor James...I made him wait while I ran extra errands on today of all days) I ran straight for the mailbox. The long-awaited envelope was (and I cannot say this enough) FINALLY there. Without any ado I tore into it, and the first word that jumped out at me was CONGRATULATIONS. I assumed they did not mean, "Congratulations, you've lasted two long months while we tallied the scores" or "Congratulations, you get to study for this crazy thing again", and immediately called James at work. His shock and disbelief were priceless. He REALLY had prepared himself that he would not pass. I don't think he will truly believe it until he sees the letter with his own eyes. Phew! So that chapter can fade behind us now. His CFP is basically a title (and in my opinion there's a lot of stress attached for a title) that grants him greater credibility in his profession. People know you are serious about what you do when you have studied your butt off to put those three little letters behind your name. For James it was a combined effort of 11 years of experience, a year of classes, a week-long review class, and countless odd hours spend studying on his own.
There may be more opportunities and open doors for him via this designation, but for now I am just so proud of him and all the work he put into this endeavor and will have to think of a way to MAJORLY party to celebrate his accomplishment.

Movin' on

Another week has passed, not quite as fraught with self-abasement and cabin fever, despite temperatures at 30 below. Yikes! Part of what helped me cope a bit more positively was a few outings, including the return of Tuesday Little Lambs and MOPS to our life. Outside of that, not much new to report. Oh, except for the discovery of books on CD for use during Jeran's "nap" time (not that sleeping has been in the mix for a number of weeks now). Now if I could just get him to quit destroying the CD cases....the library will be very unhappy with us.
We continue to wrestle with our decisions about the future - where we will be, what we will be doing. It's no secret, I think, that we have been talking about moving back to Michigan to be closer to family. Obviously that would be the big draw (well, except maybe for also the beach); it's certainly not the economy there. :-) Anyway, we are at an overwhelming place right now where we realize all the huge, monumental things that must take place for this to happen: selling a house, finding jobs, leaving behind all that we know and love here in Illinois. Even if we did not end up in Michigan we are ready to get outta R-ville. It's not home. There's no community feel here. In all fairness we aren't ever really around the neighborhood long enough to pursue that feel, however... it's definitely not where we feel led to stay. So where do we feel led? It's tough to know right now. One thing I do know: God is faithful to lead us. Prov. 3:5-6 has been popping up all over the place lately, and I know it's His way of reminding us that He has it all under control.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
What's interesting is this is the verse James and I chose as our "marriage verse" when we tied the knot. It's never been truer or more needed than at this crossroads in our life. And we need to remember that although we cannot see the way ahead, God knows it. It's only our job to trust.
So...many changes lie on the horizon, and the details are a mystery to us. We have our third baby due to arrive in about 3 months, gender unknown. We are planning on putting our house on the market in/around March. Lots of details to undertake so it's ready, and who knows how long it will take to sell. Future work - ? Future town of residence - ? We leave it all in God's hands who knows our personal desires, and in the end will work according to His purpose for us.

Adjustments

It has been a week of adjusting back to normality. And I do mean adjusting. For one thing, I definitely got spoiled having James off of work for a full week. For another thing, my pregnancy hormones, sickness rotating through my family, and being confined to my house every day but one this week have all conspired to make me lose my marbles, as well as my perspective. I have been playing the good mom/bad mom routine in my head with alarming frequency, if not constancy. All of my words, attitudes, actions are weighed on the scale of the good mom versus the bad, and the scales have been tipped far in favor of bad mommy. This has not been good for my self-esteem or confidence in this full time job I have and has therefore not been great for my kids either. I don't know what kicked off this self-sabatoging behavior, but it's GOT TO STOP! I have had so many "I can't do this anymore" moments this week it's not even funny. On more than one occasion I've stopped berating myself long enough to reassure me that I'm being crazy and way too hard on myself, but for whatever reason I don't believe me. And I get too prideful to admit it and ask for help too, sometimes even from my hubby. I have a newly realized fear (or maybe not so new, actually) of being a pest, a pain, a burden. I think it probably just all comes down to pride that I don't want to admit I'm struggling. I convince myself that everyone else has it all together and is doing just fine, which I also know is crazy. My breathing and heart rate have come down to a normal level, at least, as I've admitted this all in writing. I'm sure it also helps that the weekend is here, we have no pressing obligations for a whole day tomorrow, and James will be home with us. Maybe I can regroup and face the next week with a better grasp of reality.

Speaking of adjustments, my body continues to go through some as this little one progresses along. Heartburn has hit me something FIERCE, and I know (although it's painful to admit) that some serious food adjustments (there's THAT word again) will need to take place, so that I can begin to get some sleep again. Especially since I don't think Tums meets the recommended dietary allowance for calcium, really. Also, as predicted, my ice-crunching compulsion that has reared its ugly head in my past 2 pregnancies has hit at roughly the same time with this little bean: month 5. It's an odd thing and the only real craving I've had throughout my three pregnancies. It's also a bit embarrassing.

We gave the boys another trial run in sharing a room this past week. Up to this point, Ben has been relegated to the guest bedroom, which we have never given up as it is used so often with family coming through from out of town. Although he really could care less, I find that I feel badly for him that he doesn't have a "real" bedroom; rather, just a Pack 'n Play jammed into the corner of a spare room. With James's parents coming through and staying overnight this past weekend, I thought it would be a good time to re-try the arrangement. We had given it a go once Ben was sleeping through the night, earlier last year, but the boys had (and still have) their moments of waking up and needing to cry themselves back to sleep a little bit. Well, when one awakens in the night (or VERRRRY early morning) so does the other, and we found that to be true in this case as well. I had high hopes since they're both a little bit older, and admittedly, we did have some really cute brotherly moments to witness: laughing hysterically together one night at bedtime when Ben hadn't yet fallen asleep before Jeran came in. This grew considerably less cute after about 30 minutes, though. Also, Jeran, at first, loved having his little brother share his room, but when we moved Ben back into the guest room last night, I must admit he seemed relieved. Perhaps we can try again when they get even older. Better yet, perhaps we could move into a bigger house where everyone just has his own room.
Benjamin news: the kid is CRUISING. He can make his way, walking, around the perimeter of pretty much an entire room while holding onto things or people. It won't be long now.....and I haven't totally reconciled how I feel about it either way.
A few Jeranisms that catch our heart:
(saying good-night to Ben) - "Good-night, Minj (Benji's nickname). Love you in the mornin'!"
"I need some medicine (or cookies, or candy, or t.v., as the case may be) to feel me better, Mom."

2009

2009 has rolled in, and I'm proud to say we stayed awake long enough to see midnight, although barely. I have great peace about the coming year and high hopes. There's something about feeling like it's a fresh start that is very motivating. Speaking of motivation, I guess I should unpack sometime in the new year....
Today was a relaxing day spent as a family. We restocked our shelves with a quick grocery trip, then braved the Brookfield Zoo. It was definitely chilly when the wind picked up but so worth it. Jeran's enthusiasm for the zoo is so contagious, it's hard not to love it. I can tell you I did NOT love the smell in the pachyderm house, though. Phew! After a lunch at McD's we came home, and the boys hunkered down for a nap while James and I had some deep talks about goals for the coming year and beyond. We're trying to be intentional about our priorities and where those are rooted, and there's just something so intimate, if I may use that word, about being on the same page in life. I definitely praise God for my hubby. Now he's off playing a friendly game of poker with his buddies, the boys are soundly sleeping, and I'm trying to decide what takes precedence around here: cleaning up and unpacking or the latest book club read that needs to be finished by Monday. What was I saying about motivation?
In pregnancy news, heartburn sucks.